The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife and I went to dinner with my grandson and daughters on Thursday night...a going away dinner as my grandson and his wife and their two daughters are leaving, moving to the continent. The dinner was spectacular...two different chicken recipies...no its not another addiction one was a stew my wife conjured up with her magic wand and the other an adobo that my grand-daughter did up just right. Anyhow...after the dinner talk came around to family which was important because my son, their father, has in my opinion is dry drunking and their mother has fled the coop. If it wasn't because of the blessing of Al-Anon and AA we would have added to the problem and then not because we've been blessed with the programs. We spoke of family history (mine and my wife's) the insanity and the sickness of it all and we spoke of program and what it has to offer which it offered to us and we received. We told it openly without shading any part of the history right up to that moment and when it was done my grandson asked for a big book and other program information. I got the book at my morning meeting while they were getting into the air. It will be sent as a package. He is concerned as we all are to some degree because he's been smitten...he inherited the familys dna. His early use resulted in an emergency call and they blood tested him while he was comatose which resulted in a .5+ He crossed the line and without the emergency help would not have come back or would have come back disabled. I have overdosed in the past being at this keyboard is the result of God's will not my own...I knew I had crossed the line and didn't know how far and I was alone there was no one else there but the rafter rats. I had sent everyone off for the evening. The reality is I'm still here and after a long long time in recovery I give what I've learned away...for free. My grandson and other grandchildren including my children know where to go and who to be around when they need help...the program with its loving attention to what works.
They took two of our beautiful great-grand children with them and we could not help talk about the dna of our families...all sides and still when I let them loose it was with the thought..."I am powerless" They are gone now and yet there are others here to share the story with...maybe not as close in heart and just as close in spirit. "In order to keep it you must give it away...and then...turn them over to a power much greater than yourselves". Done...sad but done. HPs got the whole family and more. Letting go. (((((hugs)))))
Sunday 26th
I'm sitting here staring at the screen after reading all of your responses...Peggy read the feelings and keeps me honest on that level and I will thank you for that remembering that it is okay for big boys to cry. Yes people get to move around by choice hopefully making best choices for their lives and future. Of course yes...I've done it and I love to see happiness get established in the present with the hope for the future and then the realization that alcoholism and drug addiction lurks...always lurks and its easiest victims are those who are born from its tap root. There was a lawyer in San Francisco I believe that knowing that his family line was alcoholic attempted to alter his young daughters dna away from the disease. Intuitive I thought...might work...and yet I know that familial influence is also a predeterminer of the disease. Scared and powerless is a crappy emotional state to be in iced over with feelings of loss...Where is my macho bravado when I needed it after gaining fellowship in Al-Anon? Can't think my way out of this...powerless. Can't feel my way out of this except to fully feel powerless. Can't build new and different intentions to get out of this because I isn't about me it's about "letting go and letting God" as a habit for living. Gotta get my body out of this chair and go to a meeting and take someone else with me. Mahalo for all of your feedback, thoughts and prayers. I'm blessed and grateful. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 26th of May 2013 12:49:59 PM
Jerry: As a Mom and as a Grandmom, all I can say is: Good job, my friend. You let a large portion of your heart go free to do its work in places and in spaces that you physically aren't meant to be. May your children and your children's children continue the legacy of love that has been yours to share with them for the good of our world.
In reading your share, I could feel your heavy heart in not having the continued face to face with your loved ones. I can't imagine the courage it takes to let family move from your homeland.
Jerry know they are so lucky to have had you in their lives and will continue to have you in their hearts. The gift you will send them along with your story is, in my humble opinion; the most powerful gift any human can share with another. The story of courage, the message of strength, the power of miracles and where to find those ingredients. With you and through you and your wife they were once again blessed.
Very powerful Jerry. One wonder of the program as I am coming to understand it is the situations we find ourselves in that we now have the strngth to face. That came across in your post and I send prayers to you and your family.
God surely, is speaking to me, through you/your post. My daughter self admitted to inhouse rehab. for alcohol use two days after Easter. In house was 3 wks. She had been faithfully going to meetings and working full time job since. Cautiously proud of her that she took action and seemed to be on the right path. This past week it all turned around. Home alone she found a bottle of antidepressants she had been on previous to entry in rehab. She was a having a 'bad day' trying to avert the 'demons' when she found these pills. (Now rehab. had taken her off these meds. and given her different ones along with injection(s) to curb cravings. They warned her NOT to add/change/ect. this regimen. When she was released she dumped all remaining pills down the toilet......or so she really believed.) I think you know where I'm going..... She ended up being transported to hosp. from facility where she had driven the 45 mis. from home to attend a meeting. She had 'shared' the info. in group thinking her honesty would be kept confidential and she could simply talk about what was going on in her head. She was not a happy camper when the counselor(s) took action for her physical safety. At the hospital, when I got to see her she repeatedly kept saying, "I'm such a failure, mommy."/"Mommy, I'm a ****up"/"I just want to be normal, Mommy"..........the comment that hit me most, "Mommy, why was I so lucky and have to get Dad's disease". I had talked to her twice about getting help. Having been involved with AA/Alnon due to my exAH alcoholism I've been down this road. She knows all of it and how hard I'd tried save exAH. How much it hurt when he walked out, ect. ect. Above all that even though we were separated I still loved him, just had to do it differently and 'let go. Let God'. She had cried when he filed for divorce. (I did not try to fight it, although in my heart it was not what I wanted) The same counselor who made the call recieved a call from my daughter while in the hospital of apology for being so reluctant to get into the ambulance. She suggested my daughter return for in house again and daughter agreed to it. For that I'm grateful!!! I picked her upon release and brought her to her home only to get clothes and other items for this time. We had a chance to talk once again alone. I reinterated, she was human and NOT a failure! (She has got hit with alot of major life stuff in the past 5+yrs. A father who was alcoholic and passed in Nov. 2012, a cousin who committed suicide after a DUI that resulted in loss of good paying job, unplanned pregnancy, move from my place in with boyfriend, boyfriend's one night stand with her best friend, brother whom she loves dearly and is very close shipped off to Iraq for a year whom she sorely missed. there are other things that I have probably missed.) I do not make excuses for her. I cried yes knowing what she had attempted to do a few days ago. However, around her, I'm stronger wiser, and most of all calmer. As hard as it was I let her go handing it over to God the first time. I prayed for her but didn't contact her. I did the same when she was released from Rehab and back home. Sent her only a couple of text msgs. saying only 'I love you!' I know she has got to do this for herself!!! She has to want to be sober! Although we talked and she opened up a little more revealing some of the pain during the drive I did not break my demeanor. And again.....at the facility.....a hug, "I love you!" and release. Yes, Jerry.....letting go and handing your family over to God's care....is one of the hardest things to do. I've shed tears here and there, yet am at peace and not struggling as I did in the past. Thank you, however, for this post because I garner additional strength knowing I am not alone!
Send that package to your grandson....let him know he is in your prayers. Tell him to take care of those beautiful children because this is his duty in life.
To be powerless hurts so much and we can ask God " WHY " why can't this be fixed. We cry until we can't cry anymore.
You are not alone my brother...we love you and all of us here will pray for them on this journey in hopes better days will come and God will touch his soul.
((( hugging you with God hugging us )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Jerry, thank you for sharing. You are a great example for me. Your compassion for your family who have this disease is clear. I'm learning so much.thank you.x
I have had to let go and let God with all my family of origin and exAh and his family, because of this disease. It will be tough when my children are grown and it will be time to release them, I will jest keep making the next right decision and working my program in hopes they get enough trickled down to want to work their own program! I love your heart and your program Jerry!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Jerry - been milling this around in my brain a few days, it keeps coming back up so thought I'd share what I notice happens in my house. My daughter and I talk about things with the maniac ex-A; we discuss it from many angles, working through understanding the childhood he had, the childhood her father had, etc. We spend a LOT of time discussing things - in our discussion I frequently refer to Al-anon and this board; I suggested she go to Ala-teen but she determined with her counselor that it wasn't necessary (I agreed to abide by their decision, though I don't agree she wouldn't benefit from it). But here's what I notice - it isn't just me talking recovery talk. She talks about not being able to control other people; She talks about enabling and the nature of addiction, about letting go and letting them suffer the consequences of their actions. I hear this coming from her and think, maybe she's going to be a much stronger and more solid person because she learned this at such an early age.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I have begun to have more compassion for my family disease. Of course that comes with distance. I no longer have it on my door step. I do very much understand the cunning baffling and powerful aspects of it. I also know that the disease had me as a codependent. I know many a codependent who died too. We focus so much on the consequences of the alcoholism. The consequences of codependency are death too. Self neglect, fear, overwhelming guilt, anger and more kill in the same way as alcoholism. It might not be as spectacular dramatic but they kill too.
