"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

sandydv · Member

frustrated, hurt, angry, stuck

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sandy... glad you're here, and the frustration in your post is very evident and real...

In a nutshell, the only way you can get HIM to change, is by you changing. Great books like "Getting Them Sober" explain it far better than me, but you are experiencing the frustation and uphill (impossible?) task of trying to change him. The only successful strategy, that I have witnessed, is that we change ourselves - by choosing recovery for US - and then things start to get better. In many cases, it even results in the desired outcome, whereby our A's see the changes, and it helps motivate them to address their issues... Even if it doesn't, you're far better off as a result.

Focussing our time & attention on active A's is frustrating indeed, and I know of precious few examples where it has actually worked..... Changing ourselves is the tried & true way to go, and you'll be amazed at the results!

Keep coming back

Tom

-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 23rd of May 2013 04:18:55 PM

sandydv · Member

thanks tom, helps alot to hear your feedback. Your right, i gotta start focusing on myself and changing myself, I was doing that, but its like he drags me into it and i have to just step back, take a breath and just not let myself go there...its soo hard not to get tangled up in his mess at times and so hard to not try and always fix things. It just makes me feel stuck sometimes and hard to just drag myself out of it.
thanks again.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place.

Start with you - go to face to face meetings and get a sponsor and start working the steps. Read and learn all you can about the disease; "Getting Them Sober", by Toby Rice Drew is very informative. Continue reading and posting on the MIP message boards and attend the online meetings. I was told not to make any major decisions before giving Alanon several months or longer, as the program gives different perspectives and skill sets so that we can enjoy life regardless what the addict is or isn't doing.

Ultimatums rarely work; one of the Alanon slogans is to say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it meanly. Setting boundaries, consequences for someone crossing the boundaries, and enforcing the consequences will be more effective... one of the many aspects of how Alanon helps. Talking, begging, etc won't mean much to someone who is thinking irrationally.

Working out is very healthy self-care. Look in the mirror through your own eyes and be proud. Several daily affirmations can be very helpful.

When we look at life and ourselves through the sick eyes of an addict, things become distorted. When we rely on a sick person for validation, we are often disappointed and hurt.

When I first started Alanon, I thought the program would show me how I could help my AH. I have learned that this program is for us and, by helping myself, make changes. Sometimes they start responding differently or start working a their own program in AA. Take things one day at a time.

-- Edited by bud on Thursday 23rd of May 2013 09:16:41 PM

Tennin · Member

Hi Sandy,

I can SO relate to your pain. Canadian Guy is right on the money. Honestly I still get confused, but with Alanon I've learned so many tools. I don't think I could've survived without it. I remember when I first began, some of it seemed so counterproductive that it seemed insane, but then again, dealing with active user/drinker isn't sane and to approach it that way is what really doesn't work well - for me anyway.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. There are great people here!

Hugs,
Tennin

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sandy and ((((Hugs))))...you're living with a husband who is also alcoholic and you know that might as well get your expectations in line because I'm hearing me in your share from back when I didn't' know anything about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know and my expectations was that my alcoholic/addict wife would be somehow different? I was getting what the disease constructs and wishing I was getting something that would never show up as long as she was drinking and using.. Didn't read that you were a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups which is what I had to get into and stay with in order to get sanity and stay sane so I could understand the reality of an alcoholic/addict relationship. I had to learn that my spouse was "altered" and I wasn't every going to get anywhere close to "normal" as long as she drank and used and I had no program of recovery for myself. Thank God for the rooms of Al-Anon cause I got my life back and also the chance to meet you and others here at MIP. There are many things to learn and practice from the program only one being "do not try to have a rational discussion with an irrational person"...simple rocket science for this spouse of the alcoholic who did not know.

I you were not feeling frustration, hurt, anger and stuck from what you're going thru I'd say "She's lost all of her mind" and then since you can identify those thoughts and feels I'll say "She's got come left and has a chance". Hope you have found the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon in your area and have the support. Keep coming back here to recover with us. (((((hugs))))) smile

sandydv · Member

Thank you for your responses.
My question is Where do you start? I haven't gone to a face to face meeting, only here so far. I really don't know where to start.
Do I give him an ultimatum? I have told him his drinking and smoking pot, is just too much. Never gave him an ultimatum though. I honestly know it wouldnt do anything if i did except make him freak out probably.
I just feel stuck and don't know where to start. I have felt stuck for years actually.
Recently i have started to go to the gym which has been a life saver for me, it has made me feel so much stronger and makes me focus on me. Of course i come home and instead of getting comments like, you look good, or good for you, i get...are you taking steroids, or your no fun, or your turning anorexic. Its ridiculous, before he would complain that i ate bad, that i don't exercise enough (i am not and never have been overweight to boot), now when i have gone into being super healthy and eating good and having a healthy lifestyle he has to still knock me down somehow. Whatever, i need to get back and serious in focusing on me i know that. Question is where do i start with him.
Im at a loss, all these years ive tried everything, walking away from him and ignoring him when hes drinking or being a jerk to trying to reason with him, to detaching and just nodding my head.
What are the first steps what do i do.

Auntyaya · Senior Member

I understand all too well what you are going through...I think the alcoholic deflects ALOT...turning everything away from them and onto you. That makes it manageable for them...then it becomes about you,not them. My Ex AH used to purposefully pick fights w/ me so he could leave, go on a huge binge and of course it was MY fault. And, until I met my friend and savior AlAnon I believed him! You will learn so much there...it is filled with people who have walked the path before you, understand without words what you are going through and treat you with compassion and dignity....AND assure you that you are not nuts.....because living with an A is a crazy making situation....

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Start by coming here and making it to face to face al-anon meetings, find a sponsor and read anything al-anon you can get your hands on. Don't try to control anyone else, but yourself you will see such a huge difference when you are start working your very own program. Glad you found us and keep coming back. I became so good at not having those crazy making decisions over time and you will too. Sending you love and support!

Ms S · Veteran Member

Hello sandydv

I identify very much with your words. It can be a no win situation with an active alcoholic who is not in recovery (my partner at present). Whatever the non A says or doesn't say can be taken and used against them! Sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is wanting to come out of the exchange with my dignity in tact for myself. sometimes this means the the A will rant for some time trying to up the ante to find something to upset me. I breathe, I remember it's the alchoholism and I come on here or phone an al anon friend or get to a meeting.

After a few years of al anon meetings I can see more and more that it's the alcoholism. That doesn't make me like the horrible accusations but it does help me a lot to know that it really isn't me. And I can see that the alcoholic wants to throw his rage and pain towards me so he doesn't have to bear it. I try not to pick it up. (sometimes I do as I'm human) I also on't need to take the alcoholics words as truth (not when he's on a drunken rant anyway) I can go to al anon meetings to look at my own behaviour in a more calm and gentle way. I also don't want this to be the rest of my life. And for today I choose to stay in the relationship.

read all the al anon literature you can find. go to meetings if you can. come on here. What al anon says is true 'we can find peace and contentment where the alcoholic is drinking or not' what a lifesaver!

you are not alone and you are welcome here

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I started out by saying,"It's not my problem." It isn't. What he does is his business. How would you like it if everytime you ate ice cream he asked you why do you eat that?

It is his choice to do what he is going to in his life. It is up to us if we want to live with it. We cannot change them anyway so why bother?

I loved my AH, and hated the disease. I stopped even thinking about if he was drinking or whatever and just enjoyed him as best I could. If he got icky, I left the room to go read or watch tv in the bedroom.

I said you might be right lots. Who cares? I do not argue with anyone.

Believe me they will get lots worse as they get older. I gleaned every moment I could living with him. Now he has been gone for years and I divorced him.

Thanks to al anon I got to be with him when he was still him. Now he is a monster.

hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"