For some stupid codependent reason I feel the 'need to know'.  I feel that I have to know everything, good, bad, whatever.  And, even when my intuition tells me something that is most likely true, I feel the need to seek out that truth to validate my intuition.  What's up with that????

For example: AH tells me that the neighbors reported him for a noise violation because his drum playing was out of control.  AH tells me that it was at 8:30 in the evening and he got angry about the neighbors and made statements that basically said: that's their problem, not mine.  So, I had a feeling(yes, my intuition) that told me that AH was lying.  My neighbors aren't unreasonable people and I seriously doubt they were going to bed at 8:30.  Then there was this little part of me that wanted to believe him.  I said to myself, "well, I know they do wake up early for work so they must have been in bed."  Nope, my intuition kept nagging at me.  So, I decided to call the police department.  Well, they confirmed that the call came in during the third shift.  Definitely not at 8:30 PM.  

So, why do I feel the need to know the truth?  Why do I try to check up on the lies?  I always have a feeling he's lying, even when he's so convincing.  He's been making an effort to fix things lately, but I feel that the efforts are futile if he continues to lie.  If I can't trust something simple like the example above(which he really had no reason to lie about, since the time doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things), then how can I trust him in our relationship at all?  And, that's all part of the struggle too.  Having a relationship with someone who doesn't seem capable of the truth.  I don't want to go all self-righteous here.  I know we all fall short and aren't perfect, but I swear the lying thing really bugs me.  So, I think I need the Al Anon reminder: stay on your side of the street!!!

This won't answer your questions because I don't have any answers, but one of the things that has helped me with my "need to know" is one of the readings in our Courage to Change book that suggests that what we need to know will come to us with no effort on our part at all.

Sometimes, my need to know comes from a self-righteous motivation on my part to judge the rightness or wrongness of something/someone. When I can figure out what my business is in a situation, I can generally let go of knowing anything i.e. thought like "Why is that guy riding my bumper?" Question: Whose business am I in? His. What is my business? The way I'm driving. What can I change? Getting off the road and away from this driver who is riding my bumper at 40 MPH. It releases me from all kinds of stress to let go of other people's business when I remember to ask myself whose business I am in or catch myself "needing to know." Of course, I sure don't remember to ask it often enough. Old habits die hard.

Like you, I get frustrated with being lied to or intuiting I'm being lied to in relationship to my loved ones. When I can turn it around to whose business am I in when I want my loved one to always tell me the truth and realize I need to tell the truth all the time because I value telling the truth, their honesty or lack of it doesn't matter to me as much. Here, too, I don't remember this often enough, but that wonderful slogan, Progress Not Perfection is a big help.