The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You are welcome, sweetie. I have been there....the jump is worth it. What is the worst that can happen? If you stay with this stuff, you might change your name here to "happysusie"
-- Edited by PP on Wednesday 22nd of May 2013 11:20:40 AM
Okay, So i missed the FTF meeting I was gonna go to this morning (and not that is not the subject of the post)... to my defense I have been sick with a headcold, sore throat, coughing etc. And I got up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I am still a wimp though and could have gone if i really wanted to.
That is what is so hard. Doing the right thing. I have my feelings and guideposts all in the wrong places it seems...My instinct, my habits. I have got to change my habits. AH called this morning (was out at a bar all day yesterday then all night, never called, went to a bar in another town, never called, turn off is icloud so I couldn't see where he was). He said hello, "what did you do last night?." Really? I said it didn't matter - what did he do? He then asked why I didn't call. I told him I had to stop caring - if he was going to go out all night and not call and not let me see where he is - I have to stop caring. he hung up. Is that a fair consequence? He goes out all night, I stop caring. (even though I really do). That is why I think it is over. I wonder if I need a clean break. Or will counseling help me stay in my marriage..I know I just need to get my behind to a meeting.
So, now I just (on again off again) want to call him back.
Is it possible to have a rational conversation? No is my guess. Do I pretend it is rational? Yes that is my guess. Do I feel like the better person for having tried? yes. Was it effective for either of us? No.
Now what?
Okay so I am more motivated that a meeting will help me get out of crazytown. I am just going to have to go to an online meeting!
We get caught up in expecting sanity from a person who is insane....in my case, my hubbie was insane from his addictions and so was I in my co-dependency. Until I was ready to stop the insanity by going to meetings I was choosing to say insane. You know what to do; when you are ready to get well, you will. In al anon there is a recommendation to attend 6 meetings and at the end of those 6 meetings if you determine it is not for you, your misery will be returned. There is a pay-off you are getting from these crazy dances...let the program help you to discover what it is.
I found say what you mean, mean what you say, but never say it mean. I'm guess in this case I would have said " Honey I didn't think to call" so maybe give me a call next time. All is good :)
Fake it until you make it.....
Take care and take charge of you.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
SS...you went full circle on that post...good work...I look at the title now that I've read your post and alter it to "Doing the right thing when it feels so different". When I felt different and in program it was because I was doing change. Awesome. I learned to respond differently and more honestly (program wise) with my alcoholic/addict after inventory and meditation and prayer. When she was "baiting me for answers about me knowing what and where and when of her life I responded, "It's none of my business". That was from right out of the meetings and solutions from others. It still works when I have the need to use it. It's okay do alter how you go to meetings...you don't feel physically well so the program says "take care of yourself" and you've altered the method...change is good and has new consequences we often need and want. "...the courage to change the things I can." Mahalo for your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
Cathyinaz - that is great advice and something else that I struggle with. I feel so resentful, angry etc, it is hard to not react. I want him to see how much pain I am in, ya know. But I had read something the other day. a woman asked what she should have done. a man behind her in line at the grocery store was really rude and pushy fussing at her to hurry up and get out of his way. So she could either treat him like a child and "teach" him that that was rude by being rude herself or be polite. The advice was - two wrongs don't make a right. Mind your own business and be polite. It has been a hard rule to live by dealing with my AH. Your sentence was perfect. I will try to find ways like that to think about my life.
Crazy thing is that on top of all of this (and me almost feeling like I am at my breaking point) My husband who came home briefly tells me that our two friends (a married couple) are coming for an visit/vacation tomorrow. THey are both A's one is in recovery except that she has done alot of damage to her body. neuropathy, liver, kidney etc, and had been in and out of the hospital as well as rehab. Well, it looks at though they are coming because this is thought to be her *last* trip. Meaning she won't make it much longer. I can't believe I am even saying that.
We've know this couple since before we were married (13 years), their daughters worked for us. I think that they have spent every one of their vacation with us (we live on the water) almost every single year. When they evacuated for Katrina - they showed up on our doorstep with MIL, SIL, Kids, dogs all knowing that they didn't have to call first.=). I only just recently, on their last visit, got to know her well. All the other times they came to visit she was still drinking and would be too far gone to deepen our friendship. But she is a really sweet woman and would give the shirt of her back if she knew it would help someone. What a disease. I am not sure how to even process all of this.
Her AH will miss her dearly, It is going to really be hard for him. And he is honestly my husbands best friend. Not sure how this is going to affect him either. I can tell you that he is certainly drinking it off at the moment. not sure where, but I know he's drinking.
Maybe i will try to catch an online meeting if he is out of the house, but for now my own recovery may be put off to the side for a bit while I try to figure out how to make this the best trip my friend has ever had. (all while trying to block the tears that want to escape) Fake it til you make it. You all are such a comfort to me, now that I cannot possibly talk any of this (especially the impending death of a friend) over with my AH.
To try and get your AH to see your pain is impossible if he isn't in recovery. Even then it could be years for him to have such feelings. He has a disease that is baffling and cunning. It's hard to understand why they can't see it our way or our feelings. Read all you can about Alcoholism and look up some of the post from Pinkchip or Jerry F.....they can explain it the best. Pinkchip might post and give you some ESH from the other side.
That's why in Al-anon we can get help for us. We can get validation for our hurt and pain we feel. We can learn how to react or what to say to our A's through the steps that look into ourselves. We have sponsors that help us through those steps and also someone to complain to or worry to or fear to. We have many numbers to call when we just need somebody to listen to us. We have MIP to come and write out our worries and fears, our successes and thoughts.
Read what Jerry F posted and use this to your advantage. We have to stop getting into others business, we need to stay on our side of the street.
Take care and never but your recovery off to the side. Use it everyday even if their drinking or their not....
You are not alone
((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Diving board is a perfect analogy. I am also on the edge afraid to jump, but afraid to turn around and climb down. I don't know what to tell you: stay or go, but if you go, be strong and make it clear. Don't go back! And if you stay only stay if you can both get help. He has damaged you like mine has damaged me, and he needs recovery and you need healing. If it isn't coming... I would say to leave, and don't keep going back like I keep doing!! It is so hard to have a clear head and stick to your guns when there are so many emotions involved. I know I only have the cloudiest view of how much damage he has done to me and how much that is affecting my choices about our relationship. Sadly that kind of neglect/emotional abuse/abuse usually results in us doing the opposite of what we should. We love them and want to believe they are whole, and that somehow it is all because of some outside force that we can fix, but there is something missing/damaged in them, and even though we seem drawn back to "save" this person, addiction is the one thing that only they can save themselves from. We can be supportive forever but if they never choose health and happiness, it will always be bad. I think I am spewing a little here I am emotional right now from my own experiences recently. But I wish you healing and peace through whatever path you choose. I only ask that you don't keep doing what I am doing which is practically nothing. I know it feels like a corner where you only have painful choices or stay in the corner. It really is like that. Once he puts you in that corner, he has taken away the other choices. You can stay there for more of the neglect and deception, or you can leave. The other choice depends on him if he wants help. Don't feel guilty like you are giving up on him. HE gave up ages ago and left you with no other choice. Don't feel guilty for taking the only road he left for you to take.
- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
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- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
