The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My thinking in all this is he is looking for another person that he can lean on. He is losing you come June 1st and he is scared. Most A's need the enabler to keep their lifestyle alive. Alone and they go down fast.
Your courage and strength is hard and heartbreaking I know. All of us pray that our A's will get better and come back to us but until we change nothing changes for us.
Take care of you my friend and stay strong
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Tuesday 21st of May 2013 11:16:10 PM
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
First my friends thank you for the reponses to posts about divorce papers being served. This is a crazy time, but just when you thought things couldn't get crazier...
I go onto the computer tonight and what do I see in the history but match.com profile! You guessed it, the day after H was served papers he (re)joined this dating site and has already contacted someone! Yes you read correctly, I said rejoined--last yr at this time when things were getting bad I discovered he had joined dating sites! And was living right here, no talk of separation then. But I digress.... Wow---the thing that bothers me the most is that he has pictures up on website of himself with OUR KIDS!
But just to keep things fun and funny, here is the (FICTIONAL) description: exercises 2x a week (I think doing shots and snorting coke may be a form of exercise), loves to cook (he has done this exactly twice in our 21 yr marriage), and is a wait for it ......... SOCIAL DRINKER!!!!
Sorry I know this is a rant, just be glad that I texted everyone I know and got all my four letter word language out of the way. I'm pretty sure I invented some words tonight.
The final irony? He is sitting right here, completely oblivious! He has no idea I have seen this and as a good friend reminded me tonight, why start something now> What am I going to do, divorce him?
Well isn't there a statement (Maya Angelou?) about 'when a person shows you who they are, believe them'
thanks for reading--I am going to try hard to get my healthy mind back tomorrow, I was seriously derailed tonight
You're in the thick of it which makes detaching that much more difficult. Detach with love- to me this can mean love for the wonderful person that you are. Set yourself free. Focus on yourself, and one day, you'll wonder when it was that you started feeling less and less affected by him. Be gentle with you. In support.
I know you're furious and hurt but the way you wrote that had me laughing out loud. Gotta laugh at the ridiculousness sometimes to keep from crying. Hang in there!
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
YF...I don't know where you and he are living and just have to tell you that your story...or his...is going on very close to identical all over the world. I know it is happening here in Hawaii and it is happening right in my family...yeppers almost identically. There are no surprises...it is usual!! Please keep coming back you sound put together let us help you keep you together. ((((hugs))))
Oh my. I guess we all know that there are no surprises in this awful disease, but still it is truly baffling! Our As live in an alternate reality for sure! Good for you for injecting some humor into the sadness. Keep taking care of yourself.
I swear our situations seem to be soooo similar it's scary. I discovered my STBAX on match.com and he had closed the account out. It really made me angry when I got a new laptop and MY history kept getting erased .. I finally told him if he can't use MY laptop in a way that was respectful then don't use it. He didn't. What he did on the desktop I don't know and don't want to know .. well .. I know enough to know I don't want to know anymore.
Without question he was up on that dating sight again shortly after if not while we were initially splitting up. AND he was dating other women even at his work .. yes, the prize catch .. he lives at home with his mother, drives a whiskey truck and I am horrified at what women will settle for .. it's CRAZY!!!!
Anyway, I am truly sooo sorry for the pain and betrayal you are experiencing right now. I LOVE the saying when someone shows you who they are BELIEVE them .. that is why I had to start listening with my eyes and not with my ears. I learned that here from a very wonderful post about it.
Now you know .. and what I can share is that for me when I started seeing where I caused myself pain, it has been a LOT easier to let the situation go. I know what I know .. and I probably don't want to know what else is out there. If I need to know .. HP is sooo going to bring it out.
Now I realize that my STBAX .. he's really doing what A's do. If you have C2C there is a story about pigeons on pg 74 I think it is .. believe me .. pigeons only do what pigeons do .. and A's are only doing what they do. This is going to sound weird .. it's not personal .. it's literally the disease acting out.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I love the ESH here and the humor too! I have read many posts like this and well it is common to the disease as stated above, A's and codies need someone to lean on. I am a codependent and have a very hard time being alone myself, but with discomfort comes strength and like my counselor said writing with your left hand may be new to you and uncomfortable, but it means you are growing. I grew up writing with my right and just because it is comfortable doesn't mean it is the only way to do it or the best. So I keep stepping out of my comfort zones all in the name of growth and am usually happy I did and feel more empowered for the lesson. My dear old sponsor said to me about a conversation we had this week, well it is about time and good for you, such great words to hear from her, she really knows me and how hard I try. You really are in the heat of it and your awareness is great! Keep up the good work, you are worth it! Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I m loving to hear your sense of humor in this...your HP moving through ya! I can see us all sitting around a campfire sharing these kinds of stories and laughing until the wee hours of the morning
I'm late to this post, but still want to put out a non-drinker story here. One of my friends chose to divorce her husband for reasons that are her business. Her husband - not a drinker - got signed up at a dating site, too, before they were divorced. He was also remarried in six months after their divorce and now - several years later - is still wondering aloud with me why his first wife divorced him and is still grieving her loss.
My ex was dating almost days after our divorce and showing up at my door at 3 am crying because he couldn't find anyone. I'm giving thanks to God for having a whole queen size bed to myself, no more snoring, no more drugs and no more hits in my head while sleeping - and he's out looking for somebody else before the ink was dry on the divorce decree. When he told me about his first girlfriend post divorce (she wised up fairly quickly), I was thrilled. That meant he'd leave me alone sooner. In fact, had I been a cruel person - I would have looked for somebody for him. He wouldn't have had to sign up at one of the dating sites or hang out in bars. So....this is the way it goes in many situations - with As and non As.
Perhaps you, like me, will not be leaping out there trying to fill the void? Once is enough for some of us or at least for a very long time. No need to rush into anything remotely resembling a significant other relationship for many of us. It's been 34 years since I divorced my exAH. I still give thanks to God for a bed to myself, no snoring, no pawing, no drugs or even the remote chance someone will hit me while I'm sleeping. He went through several girlfriends and a second wife (all who ended up with me sitting at his memorial in a pew - that's another story) and never did give up his drugs.
I'm probably rambling more than helping in sharing my E/S/H, but I do want you to know this is pretty typical for people who are dependent on others or can't stand the emptiness they feel when their marriage ends and try to fill it with yet another relationship that generally isn't going to be healthy.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 24th of May 2013 07:56:23 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 24th of May 2013 07:59:34 PM
