Whether you were a "trigger" for his behavior or not, he is responsible for his thoughts, feelings, actions. If you know a specific trigger that ALWAYS sets him off and purposely use it - then, you are responsible for doing what you know is not helpful to a healthy relationship. We are all responsible for our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in any kind of relationship. At least, that's my belief for now. It's one thing for him (or for you) to say, "When you yell at me, I feel small and hurt."(Self talk) It's another to say "You're off track - going the wrong direction." (Blaming and attempting to control)

Working your program, counseling, setting appropriate boundaries (not to control him but to take care of you) are all good ideas that you've had here.

All of these things if undertaken in earnest should slowly help to change your thinking from right/wrong to a more flexible way to think that you might find freeing. Good luck.

 

 

Aloha KL...grateful had a good response and I'd like to add some 2 cents of my own...ESH...Keep in mind that you are dealing with the disease of alcoholism and one of the usual natural consequences is insanity.  Learning when you are reacting or responding to your alcoholic or your husband is necessary and a skill.  You've learned that alcoholism is a cunning and powerful and baffling disease so keep that in the front of your mind when you start to "second guess" yourself and your reactions/responses to it.   Taking your own inventory is key especially when your motive is healing and recovery.  Letting another person take your inventory is a crap shoot and beyond just listening with an open mind and not self judging done with a good sponsor I wouldn't take as gospel.  You can't always count on honest motives from others especially if the "others" are the alcoholic and/or addicts in your life.  Keep the focus on the 1st step especially the words "powerless" and  "unmanageable" and that the first step is justification for powers greater than yourself; HP, program and sponsor.  One of the things I learned about second guessing yourself is that it actually reveals a "good character" of the enabler.  It is almost at times like giving grace and saying "Hey you might be right" I am a part of this problem however it gets crazy when the thoughts and the beliefs say it as "I am the only part of the problem" and no one else is or can be responsible or more responsible than I.   UHuh...no way...ain't true...not even buying that!!...not even close to being true.   I had to work this subject of responsibility long and hard to arrive anywhere close to that last word in step two.  I going to listen to what the others have to offer now.   (((((hugs)))))   

Most domestic abusers are not violent outside of the home and the relationship...hence the term "domestic" violence. They keep it well hidden and people (other family and community) are shocked to hear how violent this person was with their spouse and/or children. They groom victims by playing head games and enlisting others to enable them just like those others also enable their alcoholism. What allows him to stay that way is the fact that his parents do enable it. Also, this is not a dumb person you are dealing with. It is a person that systematically weakened your boundaries and set you up as a victim. It is basically a predator. My bet is that he will do this again in another relationship. It's not that "you" push his buttons, it's that any wife/girlfriend would do that.

So...I would work hard at getting rid of that nonsense about pushing his buttons.... The bigger question is for him ...um..."Why do you have buttons that make you terrorize and intimidate your wife and act violent?" THAT is the problem. Forget triggers. The violence and the triggers are HIS problem.

So...what I am also hearing is that you were making progress all along leading up to this, but when it became apparent that your growth was taking you further away from him and the marriage, you then got feedback about "having systemic problems" and that you were "heading down the wrong road but with the right intentions." In other words, psychobabble and manipulative BS from someone that was just bullying you to stay in a violent and abusive marriage. Someone that also has his #1 enabler (his mother) set up to be your only other main support. Of course there was an element of truth to some of his statements but we all doubt ourselves at times and we all want to believe the person that is supposed to know us best (our spouse). He played on that to control you and it was very abusive (as abusive as the actual violence). Don't buy those head games any more. He is also going to say he's "not a violent person" and you instigated violence for the purpose of this divorce and apealling to the judge for custody. Not to scare you, but later on, he may try the same tactic on your child (will she push his buttons too?). That very argument can also be his downfall. Again, having "violence buttons" is the problem. Not people pushing them.

I'm guessing you are having some doubts and fears of divorce which would be normal at 3 months in. #1. You just emerged from basically being intimidated and systematically brainwashed by, not just an alcoholic, but someone that uses sociopathic and manipulative ploys to make you doubt yourself. It's going to take longer than 3 months to feel comfortable in your choices and in your evolving identity apart from his severely sick and manipulative person (and his manipulative family too).

It would be pretty rare to find someone who at 3 months into a divorce was like "YAY! I feel great!" So - you have a right to feel confused and upset but keep moving forward. More will be revealed. Trust your HP. Clarity and serenity will develop over time, with more experience on your own and away from him.