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This is an update to my previous post. I posted it on the other thread, but thought maybe that thread is too far down now. I guess my question is, am I letting my disease affect me right now? As you can see at the end of my post, he called me a name and now I feel bad. I don't want to send him an apology or start up the conversation if it is just my disease trying to reel me in. TIA.
Well, he contacted me today to say he felt weird about out last conversation. I took the advice I got here and replied that after my breakup with my ex AF, I think there are too many red flags here reminding me of the situation with my recent ex-AF I said that I think I still need to take more time to work on myself. I should have ended it there, but I did say a little more. Which I shouldn't have.
I spoke up about his ex being an active A, and that the kids seem to be very sensitive to any drinking and I felt bad for them. I also said I think that the fact that they counted how much wine I drank shows that they have been damaged by someone else's drinking, and I see problems with that in the future. . OK, probably the wrong thing to say. And he wasn't happy. And I realized that none of that is my business. Big foot in mouth.
He replied, " it's nice knowing of your crystal ball of enlightenment that glows what my kids will project on you... Please look closer and let me know if (insert daughter's name) will really grow up to be that chemist she proclaims she is going to be. I have so many questions!
So, that sarcasm hit a nerve here with me. It was a EXACTLY what my ex AF would do and put me down with a sarcastic comment written or said in some way that they seem to act more intelligent or superior.
I then again sent an emotional driven email and said, "typical Alcoholic twisted reply."
He then wrote back,
Goodbye my old friend, now go pour another drink.
Jack-a$$.
I did stop there. Thank goodness. I realized I wasn't going to win and this is old behavior rearing it's head on my part. I know I did a lot wrong in the conversation, but I don't think I was being the J-word that he called me.
I can't believe how quickly I allow myself to fall back in this pattern.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
((((Kat)))) if you inventory that as some readers here would...looking at the good and the possible not so good...the detached look I am thinking patting yourself on the back for the growth stuff and keeping on the list the things that still need to be worked at for change. So you fell into the compulsion to go on and on and on...get back into class and practice the thing you need to change, self control using the program and acceptance with detachment. "Everyone is affected by this disease...it touches everyone it comes into contact with..." (that is from the description of alcoholism). It is no longer amazing to me how alcoholism goes right after and into the egos of the people it touches and breaks relationships apart and turns love into fear.
One of the biggest and best changes I ever took on in this program is the 10th step...the immediate apology for "my part" in the matter and I always knew when it was necessary because of my emotions and then the apology. I left "her/their" parts alone even though I had/have a nuclear drive for self righteousness and justice. "Oh My God don't you know who's toes you just stepped on"? "Hasn't anyone told you that Jerry F is the CO to HP"? LOL...getting over myself was the highest mountain I had to climb and I built it over a mole hill.
Try slowing your recovery down by 3 - 5 seconds so that you have that extra time to look at what is going on and how you want to participate. A fellow group member once said that "it is in that 3 seconds of time that God lives" and I got that higher perspective of who is really in control of things and who I should consult before trying to be somebody myself.
You're growing...nice. Give Katfshh a ((((Hug)))) for me.
Kat..don't beat yourself up. I would chalk this up as a relationship that was not meant to be. The good news is that you realized it and got out of a quicker than the last time. That is progress whether you realize it or not. There are all sorts of things that you could have said differently and that he could've said differently. The fact that it took the direction that it did and that it happened so quickly just goes to show that alcohol was a big red flag in the relationship one way or another and that it really wasn't meant to be. What I have found in my recovery is not that I totally always know to avoid certain situations, but that I know how to get out of them quicker when I'm in them. Plus...kind and civil break ups rarely happen....
You might not have won over insanity, but you are a winner in taking care of yourself (beats the idea of winning over insanity any day!). If I've followed correctly, you've recognized unhealthy patterns and made a quicker exit- and that is a great thing!
I just did the same thing and finally stopped all the back and forth with my partner. I will never again just go off on him. I don't care what he says to me....I will check my motives first before I respond or even if I respond to him. I'm going to say on my side of the street.
Good job for putting yourself in check....stop the insanity
In support...we are not alone.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I just did the same thing and finally stopped all the back and forth with my partner. I will never again just go off on him. I don't care what he says to me....I will check my motives first before I respond or even if I respond to him. I'm going to say on my side of the street.
Good job for putting yourself in check....stop the insanity
In support...we are not alone.
Thanks! Love your signature quote Cathyinaz :)
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Which I shouldn't have.