The material presented
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I don't know what it is but after the meetings in my f2f groups I seem to be the one who doesn't have anyone to talk to. I keep asking myself what I am doing wrong? It hurts my feelings and I really try to make an effort to engage with people. I feel like people think I am boring or something and yet I am very kind and sweet and am such a good listener, in fact I listen to them so much and they don't seem to listen to me...it's like I am vapor or something. It makes me feel sad and alone. I really want to connect with people and yet I feel a wall from them. Anyone ever feel this way?
I feel that way alot of the time. After meeting people run over to their friends and talk. But i don't put much effort into connecting with them. I am still at the listening and Learning stage.
If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? I ask this because when I first starting coming to al-anon I was 26. Most people in the room were 50+. So, yes it was very awkward for me but the wonderful thing about the program is that regardless of age, the emotions don't change. Much like you, I had to make an effort. Do you share often? After meetings I find people like to comment in sharing's.
You're not doing anything wrong. If you're making an effort to engage then that's really all you can do. As they say in the program, 'Let it begin with me'.
Getting involved in service work within the group (group rep, treasurer, literature person, etc...) really helped me establish myself and people started coming up to me!
Slogan jim: I am 31 and most of the others are in their 50s as well. I never thought that that could be a factor. Maybe the age is playing into it..... I have often wished that more younger people will come into the program so that I can make more friends. A lot of the older people in the program want to talk about their dogs, or the weather or trips they are going on. Things that I really can't relate on much. I have 2 young daughters and am a busy mom. Also a lot of them are there because their kids are alcoholics or their spouses are. I am there because I am a Child of an Alcoholic and I seem to be one of the only ones. I really hope things can get better. I think that is a great idea to get more involved with service work. I am going to look into that!
I am also acoa but am 56 years old. Get along well with people and people like me. I do not have trouble relating one on one.
But i have not been sharing much of myself in meetings, am not ready. I am busy with marriage Issues and working too much. I cut back on work to be able to read and hopefully Attend more meetings and also work on marrige problems. My husband has been attending AA for the last 1 1/2 years After being sober for 30 years. We have alot of unresolved Issues. I m currently going to a therapist to help me with some of my issues so i have not Pursued a sponsor yet. Really don't want some one else giving advise right now so i accept Not being part of them but just learning and listening. I believe they understand where i am Coming from. But they do run to their buddies/sponsor for conversations and you do feel Left out.
@hope4ever: This is actually my first post. I've been lurking on these boards for a while, but you inspired me to write and share my experience. :) I experienced the same feeling once or twice, like everyone went to talk to their friends and didn't pay attention to me. Three things worked for me:
1) Giving it time, becoming a regular face. Now that I have been going to meetings for a while (just under a year), I recognize that a lot of newcomers need to listen more than talk, or that they might just be checking it out and don't want someone to come up to them and try to "convert" them. There is a reason for giving newcomers space. I don't think you actually said you were a newcomer, but that was my experience. After I became a regular and I just assumed no one was going to talk to me, people started talking to me, or even just coming up to me and giving me hugs, though I hadn't ever talked to them one on one before. So I think it's really just natural, to give people time to become part of a group in a natural way. Especially since AFGs are so different from other organizations, where people sign up to become members. You are a member just by showing up, but that doesn't mean you're invested. I think it's a way of respecting personal space. Especially if you come off as quiet or sweet; no one wants to make you uncomfortable by getting in your face. At least, that's how I feel about the sweet and quiet people.
2) Getting to meetings early and offering to help set up. If you look for opportunities to be of service, long time members are only too happy to help you get there! I had been sort of dabbling with meetings and by doing this - going early and helping to set up literature - it became the meeting that stuck. Within weeks, I'd been asked to be the person who kept the key to open the building! Talk about a shift! (And what a gift for *me*, because all those times I really thought, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, I'm not going tonight? Too bad! I had the key, I had to go! That was when the program really began to change my outlook on life.)
3) Go and stand next to a conversation already happening. Really. Just stand there and listen. Unless they've gone to a different room or are standing by their cars, this is totally okay! I went to a different group last night and it was my first time there. For a few minutes, I didn't know who to talk to, and I sort of wandered around, even though I had friends in the group. They were busy putting things away or talking about assembly this weekend. So I went up and stood next to two women I'd never met, and just listened for a few moments. Then they naturally started including me in their conversation, and before we left, we all exchanged numbers - which honestly, I haven't even done with anyone in a meeting before!
Really don't want some one else giving advise right now so i accept Not being part of them but just learning and listening.
Hi Miranda! I just wanted to share, because I felt exactly the same about getting a sponsor. I'd been going to meetings for a while and shared in a meeting (on the topic of perfection) how I was really feeling the benefits of just coming to meetings and reading literature daily (hugely!), but that I also felt like I wasn't doing it "right" because I didn't have a sponsor and was reading about the steps but not really sure I was working them. I shared how I was kind of turned off when people talked about their sponsors because I had authority figure issues and didn't want someone else in my life telling me what to do.
I'm so glad I shared that out loud, because one of the long-time members came up to me afterward and said, he had felt the same way, but what really helped him was to learn that sponsors don't tell you want to do, they don't give advice. It's just someone in the program who has been working longer than you who can share their experience with what helped them to work the steps.
I did get a sponsor eventually, just recently, and it's true: she doesn't tell me what to do. She has given me so much space, but it's really nice to have someone who knows my situation in detail and I can talk to about where I am right now. She is helping me work the first step; it really does help to have that guidance. Reading the steps really isn't the same as working them!
I also find the section on sponsorship in How Al-anon Works really helpful in clarifying what a sponsor is and what a sponsor isn't.
Slogan jim: I am 31 and most of the others are in their 50s as well. I never thought that that could be a factor. Maybe the age is playing into it..... I have often wished that more younger people will come into the program so that I can make more friends. A lot of the older people in the program want to talk about their dogs, or the weather or trips they are going on. Things that I really can't relate on much. I have 2 young daughters and am a busy mom. Also a lot of them are there because their kids are alcoholics or their spouses are. I am there because I am a Child of an Alcoholic and I seem to be one of the only ones. I really hope things can get better. I think that is a great idea to get more involved with service work. I am going to look into that!
We're practically al-anon twins !
I am an adult-child of an alcoholic and am 29 and male. I can't speak for your district, but in mine the females outnumber the males, I'd say a good 4:1. Believe me, I do feel out of place sometimes.
This reminds me of a story. I attended a district meeting once and it was brought up from another group rep that they received a complaint from a newcomer that they had a hard-time feeling welcomed based on the fact that they didn't feel included in any of the conversations that took place afterwards. They said it felt like a 'club' and that they weren't included. Now, this was this person's first meeting so I don't know what exactly they expected but the reality of anything in life is that if the same core group of people get together every week, there is bound to be a sense of comfort among them. This is true of our workplaces, social clubs, sports teams and yes, even al-anon.
I liked the suggestion of giving it time. The more you come, the more people will notice, the more they will get comfortable with you and start to chat :)
Great subject and posts!! I believe that a great majority of the fellowship has felt this way and at one time or another had the delemna(sp?) also. I did back when I first got into Al-Anon and also the ratio of women to men then was like 50 to one. As the disease progresses so does the recovery. I had to learn that life changes for me when I change for me and I learned early that if I wanted attention and feedback I had to ask for it. I had to get over the self conscious fear of "asking" for help or the consequences was going to be more messy for me if that was possible. So this "isolater - loner" started with "Can you help me please"? or if I heard a member say something helpful "You said this earlier on and I'd like more clarification. Can you tell me more"? If I didn't ask for help I was going to be left with the second most intolorable person in my life and that was me...so I got right on that part of the Serenity Prayer..."the courage to change the things I can", and started getting better consequences. No it wasn't always perfect and then I had already asked and heard about recovery being "progress not perfection" and I was always urged to "ask the next person and the next" until I got what I was looking for keeping in mind to "take what I liked and leave the rest". We use to group after meetings and go to coffee at different places and so we did "meetings after the meetings" and we could crosstalk and laugh out loud and joke and just be psuedo-sane and in love with each other. That is and will always be a big part of recovery for me. After meetings groups are very good for growth. Start one up. Keep coming back. Practice, Practice, Practice. ((((Hugs))))
