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So I posted about my issues in my relationship with my AGF. Things haven't gotten much better, of course. About the only thing that's sort of changed is we managed to start going back to AA meetings, which has helped me significantly. She, on the other hand, has continued to drink about every 2-3 days. The meeting arrangement is tenuous at best. On a couple of occasions she's pitched a fit and we didn't go but the last time she did that, I ended up going without her.
I know I've given her a lot of control over my life. I also believe that my Higher Power doesn't want me to stick it out waiting for things to get better. But I'm really confused as to how to actually get away from her. She breaks up with me often. Then she ends up calling me repeatedly and shows up on my doorstep to argue, fight, or apologize. If I don't answer, she guilt trips me by saying she was trying to make things better and I was being cold and mean. Last week I was getting so frustrated by all this chaos, I was thinking about taking a drink myself but I didn't, thanks to my Higher Power.
So a few days ago I decided I finally had enough. She was drunk and wanted to pick a fight and I told her I wanted to end it once and for all. That turned into me "proving" to her I'm cheating on her and I don't care. So she attacked me physically. She got violent, broke my eyeglasses, and scratched my face. I wanted to call the police on her but I couldn't. After things cooled off from that ordeal I came up with this great plan that I'd find someone I could stay with for a few days to get away from her. I had a lot of conviction but it was gone the next day. Part of my problem is I cut myself off from the few friends I had when I started getting into this relationship. I really need out of this but I don't know a safe way to do it at this point.
Only thing pulling me through right now is I'm trusting my Higher Power more but I'm not getting any sense of direction at the moment.
Hi Burses, you could get a restraining order against her. That would give you peace to get some recovery.It sounds a bit extreme but her behaviour is extreme. I do understand where you are, the chaos and confusion because most people here have been there. I think its extra important for you though because you have your own sobriety to defend. That is number 1 because its life and death. Whereas she will not die if you end this relationship but you might if you dont. Could you write her a letter stating clearly your wish to end it, then, do not answer your door or phone. She will get the message, it may take a bit of time. Also, it might be worth exploring your reasons for allowing unacceptable behaviour because its usually an inside thing. Take care.x
Keep talking to HP. Meanwhile, you don't need to prove anything to her, or make her not want you anymore. She will continue to want you as long as she can somehow use you to rationalize her need to drink.
Do realize the only person you have control over is you. If you need out, there is no reason to let her engage with you. If she shows up at your door again, a restraining order is an option.
And I can tell you from experience that, as a man, if you don't call the police when she gets violent with you, you are leaving the door open to her calling them later on you Or, if she ends up in the ER, doctors assuming it was your fault and calling social services.
Geez! What if she shows up at your door next time with a hammer? From what I read here, she sounds as if she is totally out of control. Of course, I only know the parts you have written here - there might be more to the entire story than what I'm reading - but, I "third" the motion when it comes to a restraining order. In the end, you have to decide what you can live with and not live with - but, there are women who do think they can assault a man and get away with it and the violence increases on their end. If you have put your hands on her - well, then - that can set you up for trouble, too - even if you say it was to defend yourself. Trusting your HP is good, working your program and attending meetings is good, and doing what you have to do to separate yourself from what is a toxic relationship is good, too. Thanks for your honesty and trust here. Rootin' for you from my end.
I also think that your interacting with her in any fashion just keeps the ugly dynamics going. If she shows up at your door, you don't have to answer it, peer out a window, etc. You can simply call the PD, tell them you have an ex-girlfriend at the door who you don't want to admit into your home and have not encouraged her to stay in anyway. If she's banging and yelling, make sure they hear it over the phone, too, and simply ask them calmly what you can do in a case like this?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 18th of May 2013 05:22:01 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 18th of May 2013 05:22:37 PM
Burses!! congradulations on not taking that first drink and affirming that you and you only are responsible if you pick up again or ever. Keeping your sobriety when someone...anyone is in your face tugging that chain is HP's will for sure. In support there. Also I learned how tough love REALLY WORKS in program...unconditional love has no prejudices so you get to love yourself and her and everybody else on the exact same level and it sounds like you're good for that. When I was in your place and when I find myself there at anytime I go for "Courage to change the things I can". Sometimes the courage is strong, silent and still...peaceful and some times it's like a crunch exercise, all tense muscles and stuff still the outcome for me is in the follow thru. If I don't follow thru I know I'm enabling the next round and since this is a progressive disease the next round is never more acceptable than the last. I'm a double myself and I haven't drank for a long time...just as long as I've been a member of the AFG. I also married the women I drank with which never came out better than a bummer. They weren't bad they were sick...just like your's truely. It's better than just okay to take yourself out of the eye of the tornado and go to quieter grounds. Both programs are behind you at that. In support ((((hugs))))
Thanks. I like the comment about not following through enables the next round. Getting back to meetings has helped me a lot and you folks are helping me a lot as well. I appreciate it. I was feeling so disconnected from my HP but I'm feeling a lot closer lately.
It wasn't such a great day today. She started talking last night about how she wanted to date other people and today she called me and reiterated that idea and added the threat of moving along with it. This is not the first time she's talked about all that. I didn't react in the manner she felt was appropriate so it turned into me not caring for her and me being cold and mean. So, as soon as I could, I left my apt before she could come over and I hid out in a parking lot for a few hours not answering my phone. I don't know how sane that was but I got away from her for a while. Of course, I went home after a while and she just showed up eventually and started the process all over. I made the mistake of going outside and she followed me back in and tried to force her way into my apt. She didn't make it in but she didn't leave for several hours either. I wouldn't talk to her and I told her I was through playing her games. I wasn't in the mood to hear how wrong I was and what I should be feeling guilty for. She just doesn't listen and she won't stop. I don't get how she doesn't understand it when I tell her I'm done. I guess I have to just stay away until she does. "Don't answer the door..." I don't know why that never occurred to me before.
The violence thing was on my mind all day, which is why I was trying hard to minimize contact with her. Her defense is she's only violent when she's been drinking but I have no way of knowing if she's going to be drunk whenever I see her. I know I haven't reacted very well to her outbursts from time to time and she's used that against me every chance she gets.
Burses: You state "I don't get how she doesn't understand it when I tell her I'm done." Perhaps re-reading your posts with the intention of looking for what you CAN change in this relationship might help you see the answer to your own question? There are times when I am contributing to a circumstance and just can't see my part in it because I'm so focused on what the other is doing or not doing. Your story written here contains within it some freedom for you if you can see your part in it and change it. Happy self discovery.
On the subject of her seeing you as mean and cold - well - she's merely expressing her opinion of your behavior - and it sounds to me as if you don't like her opinion. Who knows? Maybe what she says is true. Maybe it isn't. The question you might want to entertain for yourself is whether or not there are times that your behavior can be cold and mean? If you're not sure, you might want to observe yourself in relationship to others when things get tense for you. Another treasure hunt of self discovery if you're ready for it.
Sometimes, the things that people say about me that upset me the most are things that are true but I haven't accepted yet or feel ashamed, guilty or embarrassed about. Frankly, I can act cold when I'm in relationship to a person who is predatory, gamey(manipulative), dishonest, or a boundary crasher. My intent is to protect my well-being and to me - that's the most important thing in those kinds of relationships. I don't want to entertain crazy in my psyche, home or personal space. On the other hand, there are times I shut down in relationship to people coming off as cold or indifferent to them when that isn't the message I really want to give them. Checking my motives in those relationships also helps me figure out what I need to do to change that stand offish behavior. Either way, I gain - necessary distance between me and crazy-making or insight into how I hurt myself and the people I love when I shut down. So - if you discover that some of what she has said is true for you - you're not alone. There are others of us on this board who have been told we are cold and distant at times.
As far as her being violent only when drunk - well...I could say I only beat people up, scratch their faces, tear off their glasses and harass them for hours when I have a headache. Does my headache give me a pass to behave any way I want? People use being drunk as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. Those who love them sometimes have a hard time accepting the reality that their loved ones are not only assaulting them, they want us collude with them by giving them a pass for unacceptable and downright criminal behavior because they have a drinking problem, took a bad drug, had a tough childhood, weren't loved enough by their parents, teachers, society at large or any other sad and sorry excuse for plain old unacceptable and sometimes criminal behavior. If we buy the lie, they keep on feeling entitled to behaving any way they want. We must also be sure we are not behaving in ways that are unacceptable or criminal and excusing our behavior in relationship to ourselves or others. Rigorous honesty in either circumstance is a first step in moving ourselves out of a painful mindset that keeps us bound to a hellish existence has been my experience. -- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 19th of May 2013 09:07:50 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 19th of May 2013 09:23:01 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 19th of May 2013 10:03:29 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 19th of May 2013 10:08:16 AM
grateful2be: You're right, my focus has been primarily on her actions and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I can change her. All that I've been able to accomplish though is I'm playing myself back into the same scenario. I'm aware I can't change her but I kept trying. And I feed into the guilt even though I haven't done the things she attacks me with.
There have been times when things were going well between us and out of nowhere she would start accusing me of being a liar and a cheat. My heart rate would go up and I start to shut down. But she kept pushing and demanding I respond, usually her demands were for an admission of guilt and I would tell her that nothing she said was the case. This would carry on until I just couldn't take it anymore, I'd get angry and want to get away from her asap. That would cause her to hurl more insults and accusations and she would get physical and grab me. Not a good place to be. Then we'd make up, talk about changing things, and repeat the whole cycle. I'm not having an easy time understanding how to break the cycle other than to end it and eliminate contact with her.
Also, when she has expressed her opinions about my behavior, I take it as a form of attack and I get defensive and angry. I know that doesn't help the situation. This is not the first relationship I've done that with. However, this is the first relationship I've had in my sobriety and with another alcoholic.
I do tend to go from trying to change things by telling her how she has it all wrong, that I'm really a decent guy to telling her all the things she's doing wrong to me. I feel responsible for letting things get to this point.
-- Edited by Burses on Sunday 19th of May 2013 01:21:44 PM
-- Edited by Burses on Sunday 19th of May 2013 01:50:49 PM
"Don't answer the door..." I don't know why that never occurred to me before.
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It took me a few years after I got married & had my own home & family to come to the realization that I didn't have to let anyone enter my home that I was uncomfortable with....and my phone has an off switch
Your sobriety and well-being are your #1 priority - keep up the good work
I catch myself doing the same thing at times - wanting others approval, appreciation, love - and they're wanting the same things. If I can quiet down inside, I realize that I'm just fine without their approval, appreciation, and love and the challenge is really to accept myself as I am in that moment. Meetings and this board are such a big help when I'm really struggling with that challenge. Actually, the people who haven't seen me as I like to be seen have been a big help to me in this area. Your honesty is humbling. Lots of support, friend.
I checked into the restraining order and it seems that in order to get one I have to take a couple of steps. First, I have to file an incident report with the county and then I have to take that to a magistrate and request the restraining order. I've been reluctant to do this because of her career, which would be negatively affected if that showed up on a background check. So, I'm basically looking at waiting until she makes another move to file a report on and then making the decision to do something that could harm her future in her career. Not an easy choice for me despite what she's done.
I know that a lot of my hanging on has to do with an emotional and material attachment I have to her. The emotional security I thought I had is dead because of all the conflict. I quit my job to work for her but I couldn't get anything done because she constantly called me or fought with me over some concern she had. Then she'd blame me for not doing any work. So the material security is dead as well. But I kept holding on. It's not easy for me to accept a lot of this especially how I put myself in this position.
-- Edited by Burses on Monday 20th of May 2013 10:57:19 AM
Guilt and being unsure if I am right or wrong has stopped me many-a-time from doing the things I knew I should do. Don't let guilt get in your way of breaking up with her if you feel it's the right thing to do.
Step back and look around the big picture - your #1 priority is staying sober. If you can't stay sober none of the rest of this matters. And that takes a lot of support. Her #1 priority, according to what you have written, seems to be to harass you, play mind games, and somehow justify to somebody that you two are still in a relationship. She is fully the opposite of support, and she shows no signs of changing that behavior.
It may sound a littl. Insane to hide out in a parking lot for a couple hours, but to me it sounds like a good start. See if you can make it longer next time, and don't pick up the phone.
I find that sometimes I can do little actions in timesof strength that get me through times of weakness. When you feel strong you can have her phone number blocked from your cell phone for instance. Or get that restraining order. Then when she comes over and your emotions are running high you are already prepared.
Are you still working for her? I hope you can disentangle yourself from that soon if so. This is sounding complicated. It's funny how we think it we are wading in slowly and then suddenly we look back and we realize the current is ready to pull us under!
Sending encouragement and talking with HP about you.
Well, the "work" I've been doing has been constantly interrupted by calls from her regarding some concern she has over the relationship, my integrity, my fidelity, etc. Then it would turn into an all day battle, sometimes carrying over to the next day. I could never get anything done and she would turn around and refuse to pay me because I wouldn't do the work. Then if I said I couldn't work because of all the phone calls and fights, she would say not to put the blame on her. So it goes in a circle. Around and round.
I have a job interview today, so I hope that pans out.
