The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had an interesting revelation as I was thinking over my day just now. I find myself going back and forth with my AH. One minute I love him, the next minute I cannot wait to just file the divorce papers. It is exhausting.
What I'm seeing in myself are my motives. When I act loving toward him, it is mostly in the hopes of getting him to reciprocate. Hoping he will smile, say a kind word, ask about my day, hug me...hoping he will be the man he used to be...sigh. And because he is an A, white-knuckling his way to recovery, trying not to drink, but still sneaking and lying about it, going to meetings, but not really committing to AA..he has no capacity to be loving in the way I want him to be. And because my expectations are not met, I get angry, and silently imagine the day when I just kick him out for good. I think, how can I love him, and want to divorce him, all within the space of 10 minutes? It really is nutso.
The blessing and gift of this program, is that now I can at least see the craziness of our situation. For over 20 years, I just lived it, so immersed in the craziness that I thought it was just normal. I will just continue to detach and continue to take care of me.
At one point today, I was feeling sad that we'd never had children. I thought, if only I'd had a child, I would have made sure that child was loved and respected, and taught how to love and respect herself, so she would grow up much healthier than I did. I would have made sure that she would have had such an easier path..Then boom, it hit me, I DO have the chance to mother and nurture a child in that way. I can take care of the little girl inside me, now that I am an adult, and I have the ability to see what is best for that little girl, I can comfort her and hug her, and set her on a path for a happy rest of her life.
I can only offer that I have shared those feelings you describe in your post. I have been in a marriage for 21+ years, and have finally told my AH I can no longer live together. He is out right now showing our 3 kids where his new apartment will be, and I am sitting here, even though I know very well how I got to this point....questioning, thinking about all the if onlys.
What you wrote about taking care of yourself and detaching is so important--I believe that is definitely what contributed to me being able to see my situation more clearly and helped me make a decision, although a very difficult one.
I keep coming back to that statement that says 'living with an alcoholic is too much for most people'. Whenever I am in the beat-myself-up mode, or feeling down about all of that, that statement helps me put it in perspective and know that many of the situations we have found a way to live with for so long would be impossible for many.
It all starts from within, and who deserves to be taken care of and loved more than your own self? Way to go! Give yourself a huge hug. I do that often now, and I no longer feel crazy doing it. :)
That is just what I needed to hear. I am going through almost the same thing. I love the AH and remember the times when he was sober. Kind, generous, giving,truthful, but when he drinks none of that. I want to ignore him for the reast of my life, how fun would that be. Going to try to take care of my inner child today too! Prayers and love to you!
Take care of that inner child. Living with an A tends to make it go hide, I hope you cam coax it out. But it may not come out unless it feels safe, so you may have to make some changes in order for it to allow itself to come out.
And then thank your HP you didn't have children, or you would be having even more guilt and complications, believe me!
