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Well I don't if I'm doing this right but I'm sick and tired with my relationship. I'm tired of him spending anywhere between 600- 800, sometimes a thousand dollars a month just on STUFF. He's a spendaholic! He hates to even hear about money. In the past when I tried to tell him anything he just blows up and says he will work more. He can't get enough overtime to make up the difference...geez.
Well I sent him a email....he hates that too but it's safer....that when he is ready we need to talk about our relationship. That I'm done with this craziness and I have to make a change in my life.
Now the fireworks begin....
PS: Oh.....and I know the money I spent on my son is going to be a biggie but I have stopped, so can he. I made amends there with him.
PSS: Separating money didn't work either
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
That is tough. He will no doubt use the ammo of the $70,000 for your son. That's a lot of thousand dollar months. (almost 6 years' worth) Remember three things--you aren't married, it's your house, and money isn't really the biggest issue, it seems to me. Respect. Boundaries. Everybody doing the work around the house that needs to be done. And if you are ready to move on, you don't owe him a lot of lengthy explanations and justifications and getting sucked into mind-numbing arguments. Have you talked to a lawyer? You are doing great and I am pulling for you! Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
It sounds as if you are really getting clear on what is and is not right for you. But once you have made your unhappiness known, I don't know if you can control his actions further.
I guess the same sentence applies : "He's going to spend or not spend -- what are YOU going to do?"
It takes courage to initiate action and change can seem so scary. Know and maintain your boundaries (and consequences if they are violated) and ask your HP help you let go of the outcomes. Having a mind-set of being solution-oriented from this point forward will help avoid blame and the easy, but ineffective, theme of who is right. Speak from your heart and do the next right thing.
And if you are ready to move on, you don't owe him a lot of lengthy explanations and justifications and getting sucked into mind-numbing arguments.
Don't go there Cathy keep it simple say what you mean and don't say it mean. He will try and twist things around, but remember you are the mature sensible
logical adult, and things WILL work out.
Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Sending you lots of support today, Cathy. I don't really have any words of wisdom except to say that 'it's your life and you get to live it however you want!'
Kudos to you for knowing what you want. It is scary to tackle a situation such as yours. I have learned to say (even when I am shaking inside), "this does not work for me" and that is all I need to say....whatever reaction comes from them is their stuff. Good luck!
I can relate, this is where the rubber meets the road with the program, saying what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Confrontation is hard, but the only way we can learn to stand up for ourselves and deal with the red flags. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm so sorry you're having these difficulties and I can relate. I have been able to apply all of what I've learned through Al Anon and this board to my difficult 10 year relationship with a difficult man (not a drinker, though). This sentence of yours struck me:
"...that when he is ready we need to talk about our relationship."
Well how about when YOU'RE ready? How about now? I know it's scary. The fear of taking that leap and being afraid in the future is often the biggest hurdle to overcome. But once I took that giant leap (and felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, I was so nervous), the fear started to dissipate, and then I was able to see the problems in our relationship with crystal clarity. This meant I knew what I was willing to put up with or work on in the relationship, and what I absolutely would NOT put up with in the relationship. It's impossible to see all of that through the foggy lens of fear. Oh and clever lawyer-like arguments, debates and blame-shifting are all things I will NOT put up with any more.
You are working such a strong program with your son. It's so inspiring to me. I know you have it in you to steer this other course of yours in a straighter line too, no matter if you split up or stay together.
In my case, the relationship has actually gotten better (for now), but I had to be absolutely willing to walk away first for it to improve. At one point I thought we were done.
I wish you all the best, and much courage. You are already a very courageous woman!
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Friday 17th of May 2013 10:42:47 AM
Cathy...sorry to hear that your relationship is a burden, rather than a support system with all that you have been going through with your son. Sure doesn't help to have a partner who is not firmly in your corner when you are dealing with your son. Thinking of you....Be true to yourself...at the end of the day, that is who you have!!
