The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ugg. This weekend after being totally strong and not letting my AH actions get the better of me, it's settling in my soul today. For some reason everything I am touching is turning to crap. My car, my job, my sanity...pity party for one please??? I can't shake it today. totally negative thoughts all day. I know I'm stuck in my thoughts. I am doing the same thing over and over and yes I realize it's insane, yet I hope for the chance that me and my AH can be the underdog and come out of this. I told him a long time ago I'm sick of the apologies, the not knowing of what he did or said that infuriated me...so now he doesn't apologize and all I see is a sick person who won't help himself and I'm tired. Just got off the phone with him and he asked why do you sound depressed, is it your job? I said yes but I really wanted to say "I'm depressed because I'm living the alcoholics show and waiting for you to fall flat on your face so you realize you need help and by the way, what you did to me on Mother's Day really hurt the crap out of me." Let go and let God, I'm trying. problem is...I'm starting to see the wisdom to know the difference..but I'm the cowardly lion shaking in my boots.
We all know those feelings; so hard to not be so focused on what are As are doing, might have done, will do, said they did....it goes on and on and no wonder we get overwhelmed! The best I can offer is it really does help to find something for just you to focus on...for me it's a good book, playing piano, running, being in touch w friends and family who are supportive, etc. See if there's something you can do just for yourself, even if it's just for a short time, and it may help give you some of that strength and confidence back.
Hope you are able to get to meetings and check in here often also.
I hear your struggle and am sending prayers and a big Alanon hug. This is a horrible disease. You may feel cowardly, but it takes a lion's share of strength to deal with an active A. Venting here, working the program, are taking steps to improve your situation and find serenity with your situation and choices are part of a productive process.
The good news is that we can start today over at any time... barring that... there is tomorrow. Either way, it's one day at a time and we don't know what life will bring. Reach out to a sponsor, attend an Alanon meeting, take a long walk, a good gym workout, something positive, something nurturing (bubble bath, cup of coffee, etc), a nap are things that may help. (HALT)
Wishing, loving, and forcing didn't work for me; but breaking things into bite-size manageable pieces does bring clarity over time. "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew is a great read, if you haven't already.
thank you bud, for helping me feel so not alone in this insanity. I am getting weary of it, and I believe that I am ready to let go and let God with it all. Thank you for helping me believe I can do this.
