The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The ex A was fantastic in the beginning at knowing what to say that I wanted to hear. He spoke commitment, love and devotion early. Of coure he could also turn taht on again at certain times. Even in the middle of some hair brained scheme of his he could utter those magic words "us" "plans" "we". I would sink at that.
I am learing by observing and I had to get to detachment to really observe well. Before I reacted and then I overreacted some more. Some people are really adept at manipulating and saying exactly the right thing I want to hear. In particular claims of identifying with me are huge. Then there is the issue of them knowing far better what I want than I do!
I have been "conned" so many times. Not just by the ex A who managed to get me to take care of him for 6 months after I left him (that was quite a feat really!) but by others who promise promise promise and never deliver. Rather than be able to see them for what they are (manipulators) I go to resentment and get stuck.
Of course now I am doing far better at the identification but I realise I am incredibly naive in so many ways.
I'm working on this; my thought today is that many people can be well practiced at unhealthy, hurtful patterns that make their debut after a certain level of comfort has been reached in a relationship or a friendship. It can be a set up or a con, or, it can surface as their reacting to something perceived (real or imaginary).
What I'd like to strengthen in me is being able to enjoy a friendship or relationship, become close, but also maintaining an inner distance that will be a deeper voice that maintains a perspective of neutral observation - like safely hanging out on a higher rung of a ladder (out of potential chaos) for a better view. Also, I am practicing saying "no" to others and learning to quietly tell myself to "leave it". (it feels a little like puppy training...)
My goal is to be able to make a graceful exit the minute I see "it" coming. Letting go of resentments comes with the territory- I visualize resentments as the hooks attached to the very thing from which I need distance. Releasing the resentments and guilt with another Alanoner and working the steps supports better choices and self care...stepping outside a comfort zone is worth maintaining a much needed boundary.
Yeah, I can so relate to this too. My x had done some time for meth and car theft. His theft was around 5 years before I knew him) .. course I thought he had changed. After being with him several years, he began stealing again. I finally began catching on but it took me a long time. When he finally left, funny how I thought well .. it was bad enough he stole in the first place ( I don't have much tolerance for that ) but at least he never stole from me or the kids .. ? I realize he robbed me of more than I care to think ok. My dignity, self respect, dreams, hopes, family, sanity, serenity, etc., My kids too. I still watch him con our child and that part is pathetic .. Although I have now enforced boundaries to keep Us safe, It is such a sick disease. I don't type this with criticism toward him but admit I still resent him for his lack of choosing. As AA reads, do we continue to allow the alcoholic to abuse us, our children, etc., when there lies before him the chance to choose ? he had so many opportunities, etc., but the disease got the best of him and I spoze he wasn't ready. Still, after all this time, I still feel the effects. It was a straight up F5 tornado and I am Still cleaning up the debri.
They are cons. but then, I remember thinking of the addict and realizing He himself wasn't truly all that powerful, manipulating, cunning, etc., he wasn't even that smart But the power Behind the disease ? whole nother ballgame.
