In my experience the anger and resentment I felt was partly due to expecting more than he could give and feeling let down or deprived. You have explained my relationship. That surface, superficial relationship. That was all I would get too. I cant go back to that. Women I know who stayed with their a have very seperate lives. They accept the fact that many of their needs will never be met by their husbands. I think that over time it doesnt matter that much. I dont think all needs are met in any relationship but alcoholics without recovery dont even meet their own needs or take care of themselves never mind anyone else. I have thought that now I have some recovery maybe we could get back together but I actually dont really like his view of life or people. He sucks joy out the air with his negative attitude most of the time. Anyway, you know what he can offer, only you can decide if its enough.

I can really relate to your post, as it's been a huge issue for me in my marriage with an AH.  I have been reminded that alcoholism isn't the whole problem, by a long shot -- emotional unavailability is a big problem, and I think I've come to understand that that can exist with or without drinking.  I think alcoholism makes someone emotionally unavailable, because their primary relationship is about them and the alcohol.  But even if the drinking stops, it doesn't mean that the alcoholic knows how to be emotionally present in relationships.  My AH works hard to avoid feeling his own emotions (which I think is, in part, what his drinking is about -- dulling those emotions) and he can't handle mine, either. 

I think it's natural and healthy to want to have a marriage in which your partner listens to you, cares how you feel, and supports you.  Your sadness and resentment at not having that is perfectly natural.  I used to feel like my AH didn't really SEE me, or hear me, or remember what I said.  I recognized that it was part of his disease, but it made me feel invisible in my marriage and my home which really whittled away at my sense of myself over time. 

I lived for years trying to be content with just a superficial relationship, trying to be grateful for a home and an income and my daughter having both parents in one house.  But I was increasingly lonely and sad, and yes, resentful too, because in a big way my relationship needs weren't being met.   I thought a lot about what it means to be a partnership, and at some point I realized that I didn't feel like I had one.  The feelings that emerged for me as I realized that the fundamental aspects of marriage weren't present in mine were really scary and upsetting.  It took me months to be able to think about the issue without guilt and fear.

My AH and I separated 3 months ago, and it has become increasingly clear to me that it was the right move for me.  I feel much more peaceful now, and I'm understanding in little and big ways how much I was holding my emotions back and living in a flattened, depressed state because I felt so hopeless in the dynamic with AH.  It has been hard, but it feels right.  MY AH is still drinking, still in denial, and still not acknowledging his feelings -- or mine.  I thought at first that perhaps separating would shock him into some realizations, but it hasn't.  And, of course, that hope that "something will fix him" is part of my end of the disease.  I'm still not sure what will happen, but I'm comfortable that I'm doing the right thing right now.

I hope you can fine a way to find peace and happiness, whether it's with your AH or not.  AlAnon is about learning to focus on yourself and learning how to take care of yourself.  Perhaps reaching out to friends, and members here and/or at meetings, can help you.  It sounds like you are starting to look at what you want in your relationship now that alcohol is out of the picture (not that it ever really is, with an alcoholic, but you know what I mean) and face the relationship you actually have.  I'll keep you in my thoughts... it's hard work.  But I admire you for doing it.

I came to realize after I married him that my ex has Asperger's.  I always knew something was "off" about him, but I did that thing of dismissing it: "He just doesn't realize what I want," etc. etc.  I remember him saying, "I don't get this 'emotional intimacy' thing.  What does it mean?  Why would you care?"  (Of course I thought, "I'll just show him and then he'll be able to..."  Right.)  Not that everyone with emotional intimacy problems has Asperger's.  But once it was clear that he did -- and it was finally a counselor who picked up on it and after that it was totally obvious and I wondered why I had been in such denial -- anyway, once it was clear that he did, I couldn't fool myself any more that it was going to change. 

Some people are okay with marriage being mostly a practical, companionable arrangement.  But my emotional life is strong enough and important enough to me that I needed more.  I see that now even though it was the drinking rather than the emotional intimacy that drove us apart.  The drinking was such an urgent problem that nothing else compared.  Some people do get that emotional intimacy through friends and other ways, and their spouse is more of a companion.  I think it works different for everyone.

Thank you for posting - I am getting so much out of the sharing here.  I don't know that I have much more to add.

I filed for divorce 3 months ago.  My AH also sank to a new low with becoming physical, approximately a year and a half ago.  Though I struggle greatly with grief and fear - the decision to leave came when I realized that I was living in CONSTANT fear, and that my leaving was not only best for my toddler child and me, but also for him.  I couldn't even go to my al-anon meetings without some repercussion at some point.  I was tired of wondering what might happen next - and, yet, I let both my AH and my MIL continue to try and tell me that my AH did not have anger issues, that I "push his buttons," that I "am not doing the work on myself" and that I "don't behave like someone who believes they are loved by God."That wrought serious havoc on my psyche. 

I don't see any signs that this has awakened him, or that he has hit bottom.  His parents always pick him up. However - the healthier me won't concern herself with what he is doing.  I have good days and bad days - days where my mind and ego run the show, and days where I am in touch with my HP, higher self, and the universe. 

Now, I have a lot of work to do to repair my relationship with ME.  The overwhelm I feel from working full time, being in school, being a single mom now, and having to move out of my home sometimes has me questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing.  I was led here, so I am working on trusting that this is still my HP's doing, and that I will continue to be led. 

What you have said rings so true for me.  Every bit of how it felt, though some of the details are a little different.  Underlying everything is his need to control, manipulate, and protect his disease.  I allowed myself to be SO very vulnerable to my (soon to be ex) AH;  I loved him, forced myself to trust and believe in him at times; tried to be a better wife, more understanding, more confident, healthier, etc. etc. etc.  I wanted to let go and give this my all.  I REALLY did.  What I found was someone who was present a fraction of the time, and a disease took over the rest of the time.  Most of what I gave of myself to him he either drained from me (the positive things), or used against me (my vulnerabilities, sensitivities, and character defects). 

There is no perfect relationship, no perfectly healthy or balanced relationship.  However, I don't believe that what we have described here is the result of typical marriage issues - this is illness.  I need to rebuild, or perhaps truly build for the first time, my sense of self and self-worth.  I need and want to honor me - I want my daughter to see that. 

KLotus