The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, I usually write about the things I can change and what to put things into perspective: In this case I'm not dealing with an alcoholic or addict.
So today I finished the rest of the divorce process.....I quit my job and will hopefully start a new one soon.
I am wondering what to do in this situation??? What would you think or do? I have a friend from high school who was a very very good friend then. She is now married to a man and he seems decent. They have their own Photiography and Film Business and I write my own screenplays so we wanted to make a film together. They are very talented in their cinemetography (which the guy has a masters in) and mines a pretty good script with a good twist. Time to time I let them have dinner at my mom's house. I have my children and he has one who lives with mom. Sometimes my friend calls and asks what we have for dinner and has been wanting to stop by almost everyday. I know sometimes their business is not well and they don't want to spend money to eat (so they kind of invite themselves over??) I don't mind helping them, but there is an extent....... My mom says, "why they don't have more common courrtesy to give us space which in a way, I agree because sometimes I just need to be with my children. Its weird because sometimes she asks me what I'm doing and if I'm not doing what I told her we had planned earlier there is a tone of "disapointment" in her voice....kind of like she is prying...I'm not comfortable with it. Also she asked if she and her husband could use our physical address to have their FEDEX dropped off here. I trust them, but I still feel uncomfortable. I used the exuse that my mother is not comfortable with that to which she replied "Does she not trust us?"......It's pretty pushy I think.
I pushed a lot of friends away, however I made new ones, especially in the al-anon program. This friend is not al-anon though her ex was a drunk. But we do have our creative hobbies in common. How can I set my boundaries without her prying all the time and then asking "why" I didn't call or text her back right away. How do I bring this up? I do not necessarily want advice, but I want to know what others would do in this situation........I'm not very blunt.
"...The courage to change the things I can and..." Some of my closest friends are program people and what is nice often is to watch them watch me set boundaries and carry them out even when it is with some of them. My habit is enabling; codependency and I often abuse myself by crossing over my own boundaries and doing something I need to make secondary to my first choice. What happens is that I get bothered by it and sometimes resentful ...at me for deprioritizing my need because I just by habit said that reactionary "yes" or "I will" to someone else who wasn't on my list for the day. I don't do it as often as I use to and so self forgiveness helps alot along with more practice, practice, practice. It will never get perfect so I am grateful for progress. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back.
Im a bit like you Rose only I build up resnetment and then snap. Thats not a good strategy because my usual is snap, feel guilty, be even nicer. I also have a friend who is a bit in your face. Im interested to see what the wise people here would do. Thanks for sharing.
Script: Friend - "We'd like to stop by tonight." You - "I have other plans." Friend - "What plans?" You - "To leap tall buildings in a single bound."
Friend - "We'd like to mail packages to your Mom's house?" You - "Mom says, "No." Friend - "Why????!!!!! Doesn't she like us? Doesn't she trust us?" You - "When Mom says "no," she doesn't give a reason."
Frankly, as I read this it sounds to me as if your friends are homeless. If so, they can find resources to assist them. Full grown adults who are healthy do not invite themselves to friends' homes nightly for dinner or use their friend's parents' homes as a post office box. If there's a problem here for them, do you think its their responsibility to solve or yours and your Mom's?
It's okay to accept they are crashing your boundaries and that of your Mom's. It's okay to say "no" to that plan without guilt, shame or a sense of needing to explain any "no" that you choose to speak.
No is a complete sentence I learned in Al-anon and I don't owe anyone an explanation. I am sorry I have stuff to do thanks for asking though is my favorite or no that won't work maybe next time is another. I used to be the biggest door mat, but I learned to recognize my red flags and then I learned the 3 A's awareness, acceptance and action so once I was aware and accepted I was letting people take advantage of me I had to learn to take action. My sponsor is very helpful with helping me see what I want to say. I have learned in al-anon to say what I mean, mean what I say without saying it mean. I have learned it is not my job to take care of any other grown people and that I need to take good care of myself first and foremost. When I get red flags now I notice much quicker and can set boundaries and hold to them more assertively before, it takes time and practice. Keep working your program. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
