The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF is scheduled to come home from rehab on Monday. He will have been there for 18 days (19 if you count Monday, but he's getting released around 11 am). I have pretty mixed feelings about it.
On the one hand, I feel happy and excited to have him home. On the other hand, I'm not sure if he's really ready. I think the reason that he's coming home is because his insurance won't pay for any more days (typical). He also told me that he's feeling homesick. I feel a little concerned because this isn't his first time in rehab (first time since we've been together) and I know it will be an adjustment for us all when he gets back.
I've finally come to the realization that I can't control him or his drinking (which is REALLY hard for me - I like to be in control), and whatever happens - happens.
I had a "family session" with my ABF and his counselor at the rehab yesterday. I went in armed with a list of things to talk about. The first thing on my list was my boundary. I let my BF know that I love him and support his decision to get well, but that if he chooses to drink in the future that he CAN NOT stay at my house with me and my son. I know how much he loves me and how much he loves my son, so I'm hoping that he is serious about his recovery this time.
I want things to be as normal as possible when he gets home (whatever normal is...lol). I know there will be an adjustment period, as we all try and get well. Any suggestions for me? One of the things that I feel concerned about is whether or not he is going to have a job. I know that is something I have no control over, but it still makes me feel worried.
I guess I just have to hope for the best and leave things to my higher power (still don't really get the HP thing, but I'm trying). He is a grown man, and can make his own decisions. He said that he doesn't want to be a drunk anymore, and doesn't want to keep facing all of the concequences of his drinking.
Anyway, thank you for always being here for me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.
Good morning Rookie, This is a time where there will be alot of confusion and mixed feelings as both of you adjust to him coming home. My husband did 2 outpatient rehab stints and I had no trust that he would stay clean. I was good with not having trust, he had earned no trust. One thing that helped me, that you might find helpful, is a I wrote down on a piece of paper what I would and would not tolerate, of course using any substances was on the "no tolerate" list. I carried it in my purse and when I started to waffle and my boundaries became floppy, I read my list; it snapped me back into reality. Keep your life simple now and take care. hugs
The biggest reason for relapse after rehab is not working a stringent recovery program with meetings, sponsor, and step work afterwards. If he thinks he can stop and "just not be a drunk" anymore and also that the consequences of years of drinking will go away fast....WRONG. He will always be a drunk....and he needs a recovery program to stay sober. Until he gets that, it will be continued relapses. More than a job, more than he needs you, more than any other support, he needs a strong and ongoing recovery program once he comes back and thereafter. You cannot turn a pickle back into a cucumber. He is a pickle....an alcoholic not a nondrinker or even someone that can abstain with no recovery program because he has not built up any defense against the first drink. Rehab is to dry out enough to the point that you can get to AA (or at least some other recovery program) daily. That will be the biggest factor of whether or not he succeeds vs. fails.
But again, you are powerless over whether he follows through and the best you can do is to model recovery by going to alanon and to keep focused on your own issues.
...and yes, another thing on my list was him working his recovery...not just attending meetings and doing the"looks as if", actually working his recovery. I worked my recovery, not his, although I was tempted, (hence my need for recovery).
The only thing I wanted to add to this is that this is the first step of a very very long journey for your both. Going to rehab for a year doesn't mean that oh boy .. we never have to go through that again!
I highly suggest the book Getting Them Sober Vol 2 .. it has a lot of valuable information in terms of what to expect, what is healthy for you what is not healthy. It is a good reminder that .. this is a life long issue .. this never goes away and just like Pink stated .. he will always be a drunk .. it won't matter how many days, weeks, months or years he doesn't take a drink.
You may want to look very honestly at the question .. if nothing were to change could you find your own happiness in this situation, it doesn't matter if he's drinking or not. Some RA's slip, .. it's not a one time deal .. there are those who never slip again .. the reality is this .. if nothing were to change .. how are you going to be the best person you can be and not be consumed by trying to control what he does or doesn't do, how or how he doesn't do it? You have a drunk horse thief and take away the alcohol .. the horse thief is still left. He can change if he chooses .. it's not up to anyone else to get to make that call.
Take care of you and find out what you need to do for YOU .. PP said it's not up to you to work HIS program of recovery .. you can't make him stay sober, .. ever.
Hugs P:)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Today's the day? Just wanted to send you a little bit of "Easy Does It," "First Things First," "One Day at a Time," and 'Let Go - Let God" support today.
