The material presented
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Here we go again. I'm trying my best to do what I can do to change my habits. There not bad habits its more like a routine . I am sacrfising alot to make things peaceful at home . If you all have been reading my post then you know I have a ah sober 6 months now with a major control problem. There is no easy way out for me. I depend on the non codepent . I'm ready my al Alon books I'm praying and I'm trying to get to a face2 face meeting as much as I can.. At this time I'm I no and I feel that detachment is here for me.. If I can't get away from the problem I need to find other source to use to help me get better. I made the disicion a week ago to stay sleeping upstairs in the spare bedroom since daughter left me.. My controlling A is not liking this .. For the fact is I'm out of his sight. I'm up to something or I'm staying up to late . Doesn't understand why I can't sleep with him. I don't want to . I'm uncomfortable his habits of grouping me and staring at me I can't sleep . I wanted a seperation for a bit so I can work on me and not have him in my space hovering over me.. I grew up in a isolated home where I was neglect and abused for brother for years. At least when my husband was drinking I new he was passed out and I was safe . But now he stocks me in my house . Today I'm having major anxiety . I feel very frighten today jittery on ends . But not crazy. I think my mind was preparing me for the questions when he came home from work. Why your pillows upstairs your sleeping up there again. Why do you need to be away from me !!! Hello . You make me nervous. I find that me sleeping upstairs gives me my choice to stay up and read if I want, it gives me my own space my own apartment that I can stay in and learn how to cope with the problems . Trying to find my independence since I can't do it any other way.. So advise! Should I feel pressured to sleep in the room with the person who hurt me . Cheated on me , mind games with me and watches and questions every move I have. Says he all better now healthy after 6 months sober. He thinks I have this master plan to leave him . When all I'm doing is getting comfortsable with myself trying to live on my own and time to work my program. Me giving up my old routines might not sound like a big deal to any one but it is for me.. When I go to a Al Alon meeting I go in sweats and no make up . I hurry up home now I don't take time to myself to prepare why I was late . I don't use the phone anymore when he is there. I stop listing to music that helped me get by , so he can feel safe.. But with these minor adjustments now is showing him I'm still doing something wrong but in a more shifty way. So the Ah sober 6 months starts with the name calling again no matter what I do to help me or work my program or change my behavior he will always find fault with me. I'm so tired of the fight . I'm trying to make positive changes its hard to put on a normal happy face around some who belittled you all the time and nit picks . This crap started happibg when he got sober. I can't remember the stuff from 13 years ago . All I know this past 6 months is hell and hard for me.. It's hard to change co dependent ways when that all you no..
Such a difficult time for you as he works on staying sober and you work on healing. Melody Beatty's "Letting Go" book although not CAL might be a help to you as you make the changes you believe are right for you now. Sending lots of support your way...
I am reading that book and it is good he read it before me and is aware of detachment and he does not like that word . Tonight is not good for me . I'm having lots of what if . And I can't ever remember befor the what if the question I'm so confused by this all.. I feel like time stopped and the only thing that's happing right now is that I'm expected to give in to it. Feel forced to give up my choice to stay in my room where I'm ok with. And I can tell you all now . This is not fabricated some ppl can't believe the stuff that happens . It's real and it affects not only the house but neighbor to. I just need to get better to be able to think . His sobriety has made me drunk and I can't even sober up . That's how tought this is.
I'm pissed now again he looking threw my bags looking for stuff to control me took my personal paper work that I needed for my dr . He keeps violating my space in my pocket I'm mad simple boundarys can't seam to be followed he keeps snooping I can't do this no more . I'm starting seperation papers on Monday he is and will not change
Separation might be a good option that will also wake him up and then "him" should not be the best reason that you do something for yourself. I can just guess that the behavior is maddening and for sure from my experience with abusive men as a case manager...what he is doing is abusive and here it could earn him a TRO in the least. The "what ifs" are second guessing behavior and it also is maddening. I use to do it alot until I got ahold of a very very good Al-Anon sponsor who taught me that if I wanted mental balance; when I started to "what if" I was also to entertain "what if nots". That has pretty well cured me of fortune telling and projecting into the future.
Don't try too hard...if it took you alot of time before you reached out for help...it's gonna take you a lot of time to really earn your peace of mind and serenity. I never met a member in Al-Anon who got this program overnight.
Your husband might be sober but is not in recovery. And his sobriety doesn't even matter, as he is abusing you...your mind cannot think clearly, so let us help you. GET OUT NOW before you are unable to leave. You are not safe...go to a safe place and stay there (I believe you said you have children...take them, too) and let your mind start to clear so you can make decisions for you and your children). I get so angry at people that abuse other people...let him sit in his nasty ways without you. Keep in touch. We love you.
OOhh you have it tough right now. Your instincts are right. You do need space to clear your head and his snooping and controlling behavior is just awful. I feel for you. Hopefully you can find a way to get out and get some place safer. This is hard too. I know. But it is the first step to getting better. Keep coming back and let us know how you are. Hugs.
