I have not been to this board for quite a while.  A lot has been going on in my life and I am working on not being reactive (which really did sink me) and having lots of boundaries.

Lately I have been having real issues with a friend of mine.  He is a good friend.  He has been"there" for me.  I think I had no idea how much I was a victim and just wanted to be aorund other victims.  Basically now I have this huge conflict with him because whatever I say (and I mean whatever) he turns it into a shoulda coulda woulda session. At any time he can get agitated and

raise his voice. I do not experience that as threatening but it is beyond annoying.  I think so much of my past relationship with him has been about complaining. He complains all day long about lots of things in his life (and he has much to complain about his life is pretty difficult).  I know I did that.  I also had much to complain about.

In the last few months I have had an unbelievably hard time with certain situations and I cant say this friend was that supportive. On so many levels he lives in denial and really in fear.

I know I also lived in fear and I was particularly fearful of others disapproval. 

So this friend who went from someone who I clicked with on so many levels has now become pretty unbearable to be around. And all that has changed is me. He is pretty much the same.

What happened was I changed. I had to get a lot of internal strength to deal with certain situations that came up in the last month.  I set limits with him but he can't really hear them.  I find it really tiresome to keep asking him to lower his voice.  He will try to move in the coulda woulda shoulda mandate at any time. I have another really long term friend who will do that.  When I set a limit with him around it he immediately stopped talking to me.  I cant say we are at logger heads but basically if he cant coulda woulda shoulda there is no relationship.

I know absolutely I ruined and I mean absolutely destroyed certain relationships with coulda would shoulda and I can really see how other people in my life just let go. There is no getting around that kind of control issue.  I also know that on so many levels this man has been kind to me and a good resource.  I just don't know how to manage things.  I mean I cant sit there with head phones on when I speak to him.  I am finding it nearly impossible to be in his presence. Obviously this is a bit more boundary practice for me. Every day is boundary practice.

I think I have gone to another level in my life and sometimes people do not come with you.  There has to be a way to let go gracefully.  I know I can make myself much less available and I have been thinking about that.  I have other resources but really friend making is sometimes hard when you want to have boundaries.

I would appreciate any ESH on this topic.

maresie

 

 

I can relate and am processing something similar change in a friendship.

Letting go gracefully to me means that my actions and words come from a loving, compassionate place, and I express myself accordingly. Alanon roads seem to lead to doing the next right thing.

With various forms of detachment and keeping my side of the street clean, I have been able to salvage relationships that then grow in more healthy ways. Some distance and downtime can resolve a lot without burning bridges; it will give time to rebalance and an opportunity for reinitiating healthier interaction patterns. Deflection and switching the subject may also be helpful- something like, "I'm not sure I'm getting all of that..." (then change the subject). How someone else chooses to react is their choice.

When someone is feeling so consistently out of control and miserable where they can't find healthy ways of processing their own hurts and fears, to me, it is an indication that conversations will be unhealthy and unproductive. At this point, I'll exit rather than hang around to become an emotional dumping ground for some one else's anger, frustrations, and fears. My plate is already too full without taking on someone else's problems.

When I have done all that I could and the relationship ends, I think that sometimes people were only intended to be in our lives for a limited time- to help or to learn a lesson- and then we move on, making room for other wonderful things.

I think you would regret cutting this person off. Our program suggests we look at ourselves rather than others. It sounds like you are taking his inventory rather than your own. I know when i feel this way it's about me more than anyone else. Boundaries are tools to protect yourself from bad behaviour is your friend really behaving badly?