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I have a few friends who suggested that instead of giving AH a moveout date (June 1),said to tell him to stay somewhere else until he had his own apt. Now I can see why! I have been trying to do this the civil way, and at this point our kids are not aware of what's happening so that is on the brain as well; anyway, since a halfhearted AA pledge a week and a half ago, which did not get met with great enthusiastic cheerleading on my part (only a firm but polite..'that sounds very positive for you'); AH has really been tearing it up around here! 3-5am arrivals home after drinking all over our city, and either drunken text messages that are as melodramatic as anything you'll ever read (I have heard that I am a member of the 'great unwashed'--all this time I thought alcoholism had damaged our marriage, it turns out I just married outside of my class!!), or hungover text messages that are as angry and bitter as anything you'd ever see(I have been 'cruel, cold and judgmental for years').
Having support here and with my friends and family in person has been crucial, I did not know just how awful this could be. Anyway, I am still holding my ground and working with June 1, our oldest boy comes home from college this Saturday, I really can't spring a house with Dad not in it the day he gets home. Thanks so much to those of you who have been sharing your separation/divorce stories, it is incredible to me how similar some of our situations are.
I'm sorry Yanksfan. My sister is counting down the days until her husband moves out of her house, too. He's going to be moving back east to live with a new girlfriend, AGAIN, and my sister is finally saying good riddance. He's still living with her and driving her crazy. He's an unemployed, pot smoker, sexaholic and he keeps saying that he still wants their marriage to work and then goes and calls his new girlfriend after his confessions of love for her. Yep, it's crazy and she's just holding strong trying to make it through each day, just as you are.
I, too, am holding on but in a different way. As my grandmother used to say(I love saying this because it's silly), "Life's gonna throw you lemons, you might as well make some lemonade." So, make the best of each day friend, keep to yourself, ignore his (for lack of a better term) crazy crap, and stick to your boundaries. Take care of you, friend!
Wow, a desperate person venting his own self loathing, great unwashed indeed, lol. I do feel it for you because my son is so angry and hateful. I think it's part of the process of accepting the facts that we are no longer tolerating intolerable behaviour, must be and totally is the right thing for all concerned.x
Do what you need to do for you. You are not under obligation to "make it look nice" for your son coming home from college. They (the kids) will all have to deal with this in their own ways (with help from a counselor or whatever if needed). This is not your fault. Kids are not dumb. If your son is college aged, he probably knows what is going on anyhow and wouldn't want you to suffer if he really knew the depths of it.
The best shot the kids have at having a functional dad is for him to have no enabling left and then start recovery for himself. Hence, at the point when he is gone - it may seem to you that "they lost their dad" but they will be closer to getting him back if anything.
Once he is out of the house, a boundary that he can attend any family event as long as he's sober might be useful. That way when it's things like your son coming home from college and the family welcome and/or dinner after - Dad can still be there but he doesn't sleep there and so forth. If he can respect that boundary, there is really nothing keeping him from having a relationship with his kids. It's really on him.
Just wanted to comment that your adult son likely knows his parent's marriage is suffering and trying to "shine it up" for him only teaches him how to deny problems and fake like they aren't there. If your husband needs to go for your sanity and your family's...so be it.
When I did leave my ex-A, I recall that it was because I coudn't take another minute...another second of living together. Not sure what would have ensued if I made myself stay after reaching that point.
