Hi everyone, I'm writing this to reach out to others and seek any advice/helpful words/support/book recommendations.

Like many others here, I grew up with an alcoholic parent. My father would try to hide his drinking from the family by drinking in the garage. But even as a child, I knew what he was doing and it hurt me very deeply. I thought that by being a good daughter and student (I put all my energy into school; I'm currently in grad school) that he would stop drinking, but he never did. Throughout my childhood, he would become drunk and then become verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I often felt intensely alone, scared, and deeply ashamed. I wondered why we couldn't just be a "normal family." I was very shy as a child and never had many friends. My father would tell me to "not talk about family things" (aka his alcoholism and abuse) to others outside our household.

After high school, I began dating a guy. Let's call him Juan. He was very charming, always made everyone laugh, and he was always the center of attention where ever he went. He was also an alcoholic. He was my first boyfriend and I fell head over heels, even though we were complete opposites. At first, things were great. But then over time, the lies and cheating and escalating drinking began. We were on-and-off for a while (we would break up when I found out he was cheating again), but then he would contact me and tell me that he would never drink again, that he would do anything to be with me, that he loved me, etc. I desperately held on and took him back time and time again.

We had just gotten back together when I discovered I was pregnant. I felt great anxiety since I was entering my final year of college and I knew my family would be very upset (my family obviously did not like him). Plus, I knew Juan just was not a good person in many aspects, aside from his alcoholism. (So then why did I keep taking him back? I know I need to work through so many things.) He proved this by going out and drinking the night before my due date. I ended up going into labor early the next morning, and he arrived to pick me up hungover and smelling very strongly of alcohol.

After the baby was born, he continued going out with his friends to drink while I stayed home with the baby. We broke up for good when my son was a year and half and right before I moved 5 hours away from my family/hometown to start graduate school. Juan moved as well to be close to our son. He kept drinking. He kept messing up. On our son's second birthday, he showed up very late and very hungover. He then proceeded to buy beer and drink it instead of playing with our son. When I confronted him the next day about it and told him that is not okay, he says, "That is in the past, get over it. I won't do it again." But then he would do similar things over and over again.

Last month, Juan came to my apartment very, very drunk at 4AM. (We do not live together but he has a key to my apartment...long story!). I was in bed sleeping with our son and woke up when I heard him making noise. He was slurring and could barely stand up. He crawled into the bed and passed out almost immediately. The next morning, I told him that he cannot enter the apartment without my permission and that he cannot be drunk around our child---in additont to drunk driving. He said, "I'm a drunk, I'm not going to change. Our son needs to get used to seeing me like this." A few days after that, I found out he got married to the woman he cheated on me with (I found out from a third-party so I didn't even hear this from him. I later found out that Juan had been bringing our son around this woman and that my son had already developed a relationship with her. My son also attended their wedding without my knowledge. I had no idea he was married at all. He simply never mentioned it.)

Aside from the legal steps I am now taking, I am struggling to understand how to improve MYSELF. I feel very afraid, sad, and angry. I don't want to be in this bad space anymore. I have myself, my child, and my future and I want to be healthy again.

After reading through through some websites related to Al-Anon and alcoholism, I now see that I have been very codependent (even after my breakup with Juan) and I am starting to see Juan for who he really is (a narcissist or BDP---he has admitted to me several times that he does not have a conscience---and an alcoholic). It is painful to acknowledge that he loves alcohol more than he loves our beautiful son.

I want to get better. I am barely scratching the surface, I know this process will likely take years, if not the rest of my life, but I want to learn the tools that will help me recover from my terrible experiences in order for me to become a healthier person and a better mother.

I'm just finding it so hard to detach. How do you detach from someone who you have to be in constant conact with for (likely) the rest of your life?