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I've been wrestling with something this morning....sometimes I teach an extra course in May so I can make ends meet. This time the course didn't have enough students in it...so it will be cancelled.
So far, I've been able to scrape through financially. ExA is buying guns, bought the 10 yo a crossbow and target, and bought the 16 yo tickets to an MMA fight (not cheap).
I just spent $200 on groceries and cleaning supplies. I get scared. It's not fair that ALL the financial responsibility for raising the children falls on me. I agreed to no child support because he was unemployed...and he was going to push for ALIMONY!! My lawyer said that he may very well be awarded alimony -- what a sweet guy... take food right out of his kids' mouths. It's been a year since the divorce was final. The only thing he has done is pay for renting the 10 yo's saxophone rental ($300). That's it.
Do I call him and just ask if he plans to help support his family, like ever? His side of the family does nothing to support their namesakes.
I'm scared about finances...and once again, I'm enabling him to get off scott free, with me being responsible for everything. I did this for 30 years, and I am sick of it.
TP
-- Edited by rehprof on Sunday 5th of May 2013 10:42:48 AM
Sent you a PM my friend, sending you love and support.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can say from experience that being unemployed does not mean that a man will not be required to pay child support by the courts. After all, children need food and clothes whether or not their parents are employed. It will be a small amount, maybe $200, but that can be a lot when you're squeezing every penny.
The fact that your ex-H has been supporting himself for a year and has found the extra money to buy guns, a crossbow, and MMA tickets may well show that he is not so desperate that he needs someone else to support him. (Unrelated to financial issues -- he's low on funds and his kids need help and he's spending his money buying weaponry? I can't help but think that his worldview is clear right there.)
If I were in your situation I would find a pro-bono lawyer -- or somehow get the money to get a really top lawyer who knows these things cold -- and go back to court and get child support.
If you confront him directly, I imagine the response will be just what we usually get from addicts -- how it's not his fault, it's all your fault, you're lucky you're not paying alimony because you're so much at fault, maybe he'll stump up a little money just because he's generous (then it will be $20 once a year), excuses, blaming, anger, chaos...
You shouldn't have to work extra to pay the money that the other parent should be paying. That said, not having to rely on him to squeak by would be a relief. I'm a teacher and I do a lot of freelance work, so maybe you could keep your eye open for chances. Or are any of your kids old enough to do a paper route, etc.?
I would ask him but don't lose serenity when you get some crazy sob story and the same set of lame excuses. You can't squeeze blood out of a lemon but you can speak your truth without sounding like a bitter crazy person. He should be doing more...that is factual. You speak your mind to stop the resentment from building up. The end result may be the same but at least you will have stated where you stand (without arguing hopefully). I believe even alcoholics should hear it straight up and they don't need us to baby them cuz they have a disease. When they start going nuts and whining and all the BS...then we walk away for our own sanity. Squelching your voice about what you know is right will lead to resentment. You can voice your stance without having a blow out argument with him (hopefully).
In our State, Michigan, we have something called "Friend of the Court" that would make sure he pays support. If the divorce decree is clear about his responsibility to pay child support and the amount he is to pay, is there a State-run agency where you live where you can file for State assistance in getting child support from him? I don't think I'd ask an A with weapons for child support on my own.
The children'father is an able bodied person, who should be paying child support, do not feel sorry for him, he made his choices and is where he is because of them. The gifts (bows) are to buy their love. Your children deserve every penny of child support, why should you stress to provide for them, the day the children were born they deserved financial responsibility from both mother and father. I would not tell him anything until you get all your ducks in a row. Find an attorney who will help you. If there is a judge in the US who would make you pay alimony when he is a "deadbeat dad" and not paying a penny, he should be disbarred. Don't be afraid of him you have rights. You need to stick up for your kids right now, as they don't understand all the financial end of things. I think children from divorced families should have at least one strong, grounded parent at home, and when you are away working a second job, one is not home, they will get into trouble. When you have learned more of your rights and secure someone to help you who knows about domestic laws, that would be the time to make a move, but I wouldn't bother to call him, it will be a useless conversation, no way is he going to agree to paying child support, it will just infuriate him.
The financial support is rightfully your kids, don't deny them. To raise a child from 0 to 18 in the US it cost between $200,000 to $300,000. And that does not include their college education. Google it.
As you can tell from the sound of my words I am serious about these types of issues, as it happened to me raising my 3 boys, money isnt everything but it is a cold reality. Also be prepared, because if he is not working they (Child Support) cannot garnish his checks, but in most states it is an unforgivable debt. But at least you would have tried your best to get money for your children. None of the above is easy, and it will cause your X to be very angry, so make sure if you decide to make a move, you have plenty of support and are strong in your Al-Anon program.
In Support, Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
In our State, Michigan, we have something called "Friend of the Court" that would make sure he pays support. If the divorce decree is clear about his responsibility to pay child support and the amount he is to pay, is there a State-run agency where you live where you can file for State assistance in getting child support from him? I don't think I'd ask an A with weapons for child support on my own.
I am in the same boat. My ex doesnt pay child support either. He works part time and claims to have no money yet he has all the latest gadgets. Nightmare, it actually makes me sick to think about what I have let him off with. I think we can take soace in the fact we have a normal(ish for me) thinking brain, Alanon and a much brighter future. Well I will when I have finished bringing up the kids and paying the debt he helped to create. Maybe the steps are needed for this one! Take care, you are not alone.x
