The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this site and looking for connection. I just had my 3rd year anniversary in Alanon. I am almost done with Blueprint for Progress. I have learned so much about myself from the 4th step and am truly grateful for it! I have a great sponsor that is willing to keep working with me even though she has moved out of state. I know I cannot do this alone. I have every characteristic there is to qualify as an ACA. I feel like I am working very hard on my recovery, but I find I still have a lot of obsessive thoughts about my ex, who I broke up with after a 5 year relationship almost 2 years ago. It was a very difficult thing to do, but I was really tired and knew it had to happen. He told me he was sober when i met him, but I now don't believe he was. I think I wanted to believe something different. He was very caring and giving and totally supportive of me. He drank on and off during our relationship and when I left he was very emotionally abusive. He was bipolar as well and there was a lot of anger, which triggered all of my ACA issues. Looking back I can see that I was very codependent and we were both locked in a very unhealthy relationship with each other. I guess I want to know if there is anyone out there who has had similar issues. I have prayed about it and try to hand it over continually. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship someday but fear I will never be able to move on from the obsessive thoughts about him which all seem to be about me not being good enough and feeling bad that I couldn't make the relationship work, or him better. Intellectually I know this is absurd, but it seems my heart has not caught up. Is it about control, habit? I really don't know. I do know that my father was an alcoholic and I always tried to get love from him but never felt I could. I think I have re-created that relationship as an adult. I know I have always sought out men who were unavailable emotionally and always blamed myself for not making it all right. I have always felt responsible. Will I ever change? It all feels so bleak right now!
You sound as if you have good insight into yourself and some of your challenges? Most of what you are describing seems typical to me (and maybe only me) of what we experience as the effects of alcoholism, drug addiction or untreated codependency issues. What helps me when thoughts are bothersome is to simply notice them and let them go rather than to fight them or flee them. Reading our Al-Anon literature helps, too.
Writing what I'm thinking and paying attention to what the thought is sometimes helps me let go of them, too, because I can often see the lie in the thought or the absurdity of it and either find myself laughing at what I'm believing to be a true thought i.e. "If I had only been more powerful, more beautiful, more smart, more fetching, more sexy, more (fill in the word), then he would have loved me more, been cured of his mental illness, stopped using drugs, alcohol, tell the truth more often, (fill in the fantasy result)or seeing a new way of looking at the same challenge.
I wish you the best in dealing with the challenges you are struggling with right now. I know you will find the peace that you are seeking with your HP's guidance and support.
Welcome to MIP! Alanon is for families and friends of alcoholics. We share our experience , strength, and hope. We are not therapy or treatment. Go to meetings, read the literature, and get more help for yourself if you think you need it.
I have had these obsessive feelings bigtime! Every time I had an unhealthy relationship, the obsessive feelings would start, and then after the relationship ended it was really, really hard to get rid of them. I do think that the craving to "make the unresponsive person love me at last" was a big factor, and also inherited from my childhood.
What I came to say to myself was "Obsession is depression." That is, it would feel like the obsession came from thinking about the relationship. But I think it was actually distracting me from the depression that I was feeling deeper down. I was depressed that my love life had gotten so crummy, that I felt like things would never be better, that there had been so much pain, that my life was pretty lackluster, that I didn't have much hope for the future, that I felt bad about myself, and more things like that. Obsessing about my ex was a way of not dealing with those things. Combine that with a craving for unavailable men and the result was obsession.
It is so easy to be obsessed because it gives us that chaotic, hopeless feeling that feels so familiar. And for the first three or four second of thinking about my ex, thinking about him would make me happy. But then the pain and the reality would set in. Probably just what happens to an alcoholic when he keeps going back to the drink.
For me, I just had to make a deliberate, repeated choice not to get the feelings started again. Part of that was tackling making my present life better. (Easier said than done.) I tried to remember that thing about how there's are two wolves inside you, a wolf of anger and sorrow and a wolf of peace and optimism, and the wolf that grows is the one you feed. It takes a lot to change old patterns.
hi begin .. all we can ever share is our own experience but yes I've been through similar. My partner and I were together 12 years. We broke up nearly two years ago. It will be 2 years in a few months. The obsession was terrible sometimes; it isn't completely gone. I'd always felt like i'd known him my entire life; turns out I did, I knew the behaviors. When I look at the situation today, I recognize a lot of the connections were what "Felt" like my past. I was also so empty when I'd first met this person who later lead me to alanon, etc., I was addicted to chaotic excitement. I recognize today that I was addicted to the excitement because I was so empty, it was the only thing that made me feel alive. It's been two years, and I'd always heard in divorce court, it takes 3-4 months of healing for every year together, etc.. well I'm sure everyone's different and that's also straight up healing without alanon included, so who really knows because one thing I hear there can change the way I've seen something for 30 years. When I was in this relationship, it was honestly so emotionally toxic, I couldn't see straight at all. what I heard the other day was that wow, people will stay in relationships until the pain of staying in is greater than walking out. After nearly 2 years what I will say, etc., is that I'm finally recognizing I'm not nearly in as much pain being out as I was in being in. I also know for myself that with grief, grief is a process not an event as the world sometimes would try to make it. Sadness is part of grief, anger is part of grief, and regret is part of grief. All I have to do in life is look at what I regret most, and of course there is always loss. We have an exaggerated sense of responsibility a lot of times when we finally find alanon. We become responsible for ourselves and for the alc (s), etc.. we also come to believe the lies. Alcoholism is a disease of lies. It will never give, and it will never become honest enough to be accountable. we will always feel its confusing effects and surprised when the alcoholic continues to do what he does and even more so when it gets us feeling crazy. Regardless of how much recovery we have. When working the steps, many things come about that help us work our 4th step. I didn't use the blueprint. I made 4 columns. The person I resent, what they did, what it effected, and what my part was. I had to see the bad Before I could see the good. When I cleared the garbage and got to my part, I began to see the assets hiding behind the defects. I remember sharing one time in a meeting, it doesn't matter how many days, weeks, months, years, etc., that go by before I bring something to the surface; it surfaces as I'm ready to face it. My part is to recognize that sharing it heals the shame of wondering what's wrong with me. Funny how that works, alcohol is not our problem, that's the problem of the alc. We see what it does to them and then we React unable to see what it's doing to us because we think We have the problem and our solution is turning to Them to fix it. crazy cycle .. Hang in there ! much serenity your way. Hope something hits home.
I know for me, obsession was also my way of avoiding abandonment. If I kept the ones I love spinning in my minds, they didn't really leave me, etc.. if I obsessed long enough, I also realized it was really a hidden attempt to find a way to control things, the outcomes which rightfully belong to hp. It kept my mind busy and basically gave me something to do; some way to cope with the pain of my feelings. A lot of my pain was real, but a lot of my pain was felt by my own resistance and unwillingness. I know I can never change the past, but I know my perception of it is changing and that this person whether I love them or not, is not the answer to my serenity. For all the times I spun on how could this work, with the addiction level being what it was, there was only one way and that would have needed to be his turning his life and his will over to hp as well.
As you can tell from the posts, most of us, if not all, have experiences with obsessive thoughts about the addicted love interests, however, they become more than love interests, they are our addictions. We deal with our people addictions the same way a person addicted to a substance does, one day at a time. Don't belittle or berate yourself for your thoughts, as was mentioned, just be with them and choose a healthier thought. It sound like you have a strong recovery support system and are working your recovery program. Keep going and, if you haven't already, you will eventually notice those obsessive thoughts will begin to diminish. Progress not Perfection!
Hugs begin, I can completely relate to your post. For me I keep praying, I slip in this area really bad, it gets better, that is the best part it gets better. Not in my time, in my HP's time. Hang in there, .. give time, .. time. You have great awareness and like I said I can completely relate and the reasons as to why I seek out emotionally unavailable people. I'm finding I have to address why I'm emotionally unavailable as well. Hugs welcome and keep coming back!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sunny greetings Beginnow, I very much relate to your share. I too wonder when will I be relieved of the obsessive thoughts regarding my Exboyfriend. We haven't been together for as long as your story, yet it was very intensive relationship and my 'biggest' one so far that ended 9 months ago. I catch myself everyday wondering towards him. What is he doing, is he still thinking about me, does he miss me, is it possible that his new relationship he has now can really be as good as he claims.... I really get busy in this area and find it hard to stop. I often catch myself going over and over about old fights and arguments, trying to come up with solution to something that is long gone now, moments passed but my mind is still there hanging on... sad, isn't it? My sponsor is very gentle with me every time I share this troubles. She tells me about my sadness of the fact how much I have invested in this relationship and he didn't , how much this actually hurts and no wonder I am still processing. She is a wonderful support and together with reading these posts on this board I find certain relief. Keep coming back and keep sharing! I also want to add that I noticed that my obsessive thoughts are more overwhelming when I am tired, overworked, emotional, in PMS - when I am not 100 %. Maybe proper rest can help too in 'dealing' with them.
Hugs! Begin. I too have been in a relationship with a bipolar spouse. He was untreated and undiagnosed when I met him. he also told me he was sober and took no drugs when I met him. He was caring, compassionate and very attentive to me until we married. Now, after dealing with that disease for 25 years I know that he was hyper focusing on me...a behavior that often happens in periods of mania. He did all he could do to "court" me and I fell for him head over heels. Like others I now recognize that I had a need for the chaotic and crazy in my life because I was a ACA.
When I get obsessive, and yes, it happens to all, I realize that there is something going on with me that I need to address. I try to take time to reflect, write and pray and see what I can work on within me. And I am not talking about addressing the twisted things my obsession is focusing on...being prettier, sexier, more accomplished. I am talking about looking at what in my life is making me feel empty. It was during on of these periods of self reflection that I realized that I had cut most of my families and friends out of my life instead foci obsessing about him, I wrote some long overdue emails to siblings and friends and reached out to healthy people in my life I have been avoiding.
I hope you can do something kind for your of today. Buy flowers foyogurt kitchen or go for a walk. Go to a meeting and share. Take care.
Yes I have been there, too. I had to be brought to my knees - will this EVER end? I eventually became weary of these thoughts continuously in my waking hours. I had to see what comfort I got from going over the bad so much, and then be willing to give up the familiar. I prayed for strength, then I prayed my HP would replace the need to visit such a painful thought. I learned initially I wasn't willing to give up the usual "go to" obsessions, but then even that got so awful for me I wanted to chuck the intruders. With sincere willingness not to obsess, I was able to take small steps. My sponsor suggested I set a timer - I will think like that for 5 minutes (or whatever the time limit was). I haven't thought about using the timer in years, because the desire (ugh yes it was a desire to re-visit the familiar obsession) to think the thoughts that brought me such deep grief diminished. I think they left pretty quickly after my whole-hearted requests for help began. You can feel better. Speaking at a face to face meetings is so beneficial.
I too struggle with the stinkin thinkin obsessively, the only way I have let it go is through reading al-anon literature in the midst of it, calling an al-anoner, coming here and getting to meetings. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Obsessive thinking, its characterised my life and caused me so many problems. When i did my first Step Four I started to glimpse what it was that drove me so crazy, a complex mixture of my parenting (my Mother was a people pleaser and rescuer) and a poor self image and low self esteem coupled with a ruthless desire to succeed. If I could be 'better' than others then they would never see the frightened and lonely 'child' inside me.
Until I found Al-Anon I would surround myself with needy people, I thought they were friends, I settled on two unhealthy relationships both with Active A's and I ran myself ragged in my arrogant and deluded belief that I could change people, make them better that because I was so damn perfect they must see that my way was right! In so doing I hurt myself badly emotionally and spiritually, beating myself up because I just couldn't or didn't want to understand the nature of addiction, especially my own to other people.
But now after 5 years in Al-Anon and embarking on a new Step Four I am finding out so much more, I still find I can be an obsessive thinker, its so hard to change the habits of a lifetime but now I STOP, get to a meeting, talk to an Al-Anon friend, read and remind myself that I am Powerless over others, that they can only hurt me if I allow them to. That my thought are just thoughts, that the nagging chatter in my head is not real. Boy its hard sometimes, especially as I can feel horribly lonely when I don't have somebody to fix, I have realised that I struggle to relate to 'healthy people' but day by day I am getting better and learning to enjoy and be grateful for what I do have.
Recovery, for me, is not an easy path it means re-learning how to relate to healthy people and Let go of the unhealthy ones. I am at this stage learning the difference between solitude and loneliness, a lesson I need to learn if I am ever going to be able to enjoy heathy relationships with others
Thank you all so much for your very gracious and kind support. I really am overcome with gratitude. What a beautiful community! You all have wonderful wisdom to share and I want you to know how grateful I am and amazed at the response I received to my post. I will take your experience, strength and hope with me today! Blessings to all as we ride on this journey together!Hugs!!
Since you've just finished blueprints, you've been in the midst of a personal inventory, self examination. From my own experience, such deep program work caused so many feelings to flood to the surface. My sponsor helped me to look honestly at my past and present. When she shared her own experience, strength and hope with me - her own vulnerabilities, I definitely felt less alone.
For me obsession about my ex was a form of denial that underminded beginnings of new healthy patterns of thinking as a person recovering in this program. When I worked my fourth and fifth steps with my sponsor, dependency and denial were huge discoveries for me. They kept me from facing life on life's terms in the present. I was afraid to risk to live a new way with new Alanon tools - ones my sponsor was sharing with me.
Working hard to stoke the fires of memory of my ex and our marriage, kept them alive and burning which kept me from living a life of my own. Until I really grieved my ex, I couldn't go forward. So, I was mostly pining and being acted upon in the world rather than taking thoughtful actions toward a happy, joyous and free life as a woman mastering of her own destiny with her higher power as her partner.
Making more meetings, doing more step work and service helped a great deal for not giving power away to idle thoughts my ex. It took time and silly tricks like saying "stop," and getting busy with something I wanted to do for me. And no.... you might not choose emotionally unavailable people in the future. From my experience anyway, my Alanon recovery has kinda been like bug repellent. Emotionally unavailable people tend to not like us much. Also for me, it's tough enough maintaining relationships with emotionally unavailable family members without inviting more into your life. Why would I want to? I would miss so much!! :) Wishing you the best in recovery one day at a time. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have felt similar with regard to seeking out emotionally unavailable people. I did that because I didn't feel whole or enough on my own. I am sure the work you have done and will continue in alanon will pay dividends and the future relationships will come on your HP's time, not yours.
I did find that when I really dedicated my time to self-care in addition to my 12 step program, I quit smoking, lost weight, started exercising, took steps towards career advancement....Something snapped in me and I was just like "NO MORE TREATING MYSELF LIKE CRAP!" This played out on many levels. What that did for me was radically shift me from being a person that felt broken and undeserving to someone who was evolving and becoming. I invest in myself now because I am worth it. The byproduct of that is I have started attracting other folks who also are dynamic and care about themselves. Relationships are not as sick, needy, and drama filled now. I am not at an end point but it's better than it was. I suspect this is how it will work for you if you work it.
For me the obsessive thoughts were really about my family of origin stuff. I dont know that I can exactly blame myself for the choices I made in relationship. After all if you grow up in an ACA environment you certainly don't come at life with mature skill sets. I do know that it is very very difficult for some of us to let go. For me it was really really painful abandonment issues. I tended to be very dependent in relationship. My whole life revolved around them. I am 7 years out from a relationship which brought me to this board. I think it has taken 7 years to let go. I spent quite a bit of time, years wondering about him, quite a bit of time being angry at him and then a lot of time grieving that I could not make it work.
Responsibility is a great thing. Alcoholics are pretty irresponsible so they tend to lean on those of us who are over reponsible. I think the issue has always been for me how do I take care of myself first across the board. That happens at work, at play, with friends and more. None of that happens overnight. For me the relationship was the be-all and end-all. I was defined by whether I had a boyfriend, a husband or a potential boyfriend. I could not imagine life on my own. Now I have been living on my own for quite some time I cant say I have it all sewn up I don't.
Being patient when you are in a lot of pain is very hard. For me on so many levels patience is very hard. I feel pain and I want to feel better now. Some things take a lot of working though. There isn't a timeline on how long it takes. For some of us it takes a while and other people can inventory and work through things fast. There are often many many levels to situations.
