The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I woke up with hope and trust and accept that I can't changed what my Ah 5 months recovery has done to me. My life has been messed up since is recovery , after all the lies and fights and cheating and betrayal and isolation . All that comes with a sober person . I still find it hard and can't understand why I still stay here. Why I can forgive him, why I let the poor behavior attack me . I forgave him today . I told him I'm ok , I took down one of my walls to let him in , it's hard for me as a ppl pleaser to hold a grudge to hold resentment what he put me threw was not alcoholic behavior , he told me so to. It was controlling behavior to keep me. He new what he was doing and that he was not being true to himself or me and his step 7. I accepted him back in my space my . Today I empty my pity pot , cleaned it out and put it away. I no longer need to keep it. I can move on now and be me and give myself a chance to no me.
Just because I'm a co -dependent doesn't mean I can't please myself. I will put myself first for a while . Cut my self some slack . Tend to my NEEDS. Today I will get the help and support I need to heal and grow and be able to move on and be happy with my choice. .i am worth the work .
Im so glad you feel a bit better Ms. Its such a hard situation. For me I had to work on my recovery so hard and I know I will have to my whole life. It seems like we all develop certain characteristics when we live and are affected by alcoholism. I became so bitter and resentful and I clung onto every thing he ever did to me. I felt forgiveness was letting him off the hook and there was no way I wanted to do that. Unfortunately the person who was hurt most by this was me. Ive been in Alanon just over a year now and i still hold grudges for some things and if i dont work my program every day then the old resentments and bitterness creep back in quickly and im the loser when this happens. I dont live with my ex anymore and that makes it much easier for me to recover. I admire the people who stay and can work their program, it takes so much courage and the ability to really detach. Im trying to live by certain rules that are all about me. I try not to put up with unacceptable behaviour because when I do it eats away at my self-esteem and anger builds up so that is not good for my serenity. I also make decisions on what I want, this is so new for me, my decisions were always based on my family, what was good for them or what I thought was good for them and usually it all went wrong leaving me miserable. So now I think 'do I want to do that?' It also means I am not manipulating people as I always done that before. Alanon offers a new way of life. Take care.x
This is a good post Ms. The question and the subject is very important. It takes me back to when I was in the dilemma of the alcoholic/addict marriage trying to figure "it" all out without much real awareness and no experience on how to proberly deal with and protect myself from this cunning, powerful and baffling disease.
On the subject I learned I was a forgiving person with the characteristics of loving and wanting to be loved in return. I was a forgiving person because I didn't want anything to stand in the way of a happy marriage and relationship however alcoholism and drug addiction untreated and unchecked always perpetuates the greater obsession and so without any working willingness on my spouses part I kept carrying a greater load against forgiveness until there was nothing left for me to rely on; and yes I did get crazy by doing the samethings over and over again using the same hope and not getting any different consequences.
THANK GOD FOR AL-ANON!! I'm hoping you're attending program in your area and have a sponsor to work with because going this alone almost took my life after it took my head.
You forgive because your soul needs to forgive to release you....forgiveness is not for the other person. The difficult part is forgiving and being true/loving to oneself. Forgiving doesn't say, ok, the slate is clean and I will, once again, let you be a jerk to me. I occasionally do a practice where I take myself down into my dungeon to see who I am keeping in my prison (those I need to forgive)...I let them out; often I find the one hiding the furthest behind the bars is me. This exercise/meditation usually brings me to tears. Embrace your gift to forgive..just reflect on what forgiveness has meant to you and clean that piece up. Great post....hugs
I'm sooo glad to hear that you have forgiven him, the only thing I struggle with is stepping into it to quickly. I found I would think I had forgiven something and I really hadn't the negative emotions would rush forward on me. If you have forgiven him that's fantastic, good for you! My process has been much slower, I'm just stubborn that way and sometimes that works for me and sometimes it creates a lot more pain than I probably need to do to myself. At the same time forgiveness is for me and I just like to know for me I'm totally done. The place of forgiveness I have to start with is me first, .. have I forgiven myself. When I forgive myself first it is easier to actually forgive the other person .. again this is me and how my mind works.
Keep up the great work, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was going to share what's been shared above. I grew up learning and hearing forgiveness was for the other person and if I didn't forgive them somehow I had some sort of power over their destiny, etc. today I recognize forgiveness is for me so that I keep my serenity, sanity, and don't grow further in bondage to my own resentments, etc. Acceptance is the same; it's for me.
I stayed because I loved the person but also because I felt like I'd known him my whole life; I did, I knew the behaviors. I also stayed because I was addicted to chaotic excitement. I recognize today it was because I was so empty on the inside myself, it was the only thing that made me feel alive. Ironically it's also why I turned to smoking, shopping, food, etc.. whatever it may have been. I was empty trying to fill myself up. I was very needy when I first came to Al-anon. However, the more my needs get me, the more I recognise i am not as needy as I was when I came in; at least not in the same ways. I will always need more as my life goes on. The difference today is the wisdom. I know where to get my needs met now. I don't know if you go to Al-anon, but if not, it's worth the effort to try the program. It's pretty amazing.
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 5th of May 2013 11:24:17 PM
Yes I'm crazy. I did say I forgave him and I ment it . But if his controlling behavior starts again which it did after only one day of peace. Tonight I would of went to a face to face but had no sitter. He worked , he was angry with me today because I didn't want to talk or get out of bed. I'm still upset my child left me because of him. He cleaned the house today and washed more laundry yes that's great help for me , but I no why he did that , so he can see what I wore and smell my cloths, he cleaned my dressers out and refolded my things . Yes it's sounds helpful and nice bit he has ideal behind this . Wants to look at what I have and get rid of what he don't like. He asked if I talk to any one special today and I said no well he no that's not true he checked . I just wish my A sober 6 moths would just go away . I'm lonely and sad today miss my kid . Hard day to find peace and hope when being let down again
His behavior sounds suspicious and manipulative. If you aren't active in face to face al anon meetings at least weekly, get active, and find a sponsor. If the al anon tools aren't used, you have a very long road ahead of you. If he is not in your life, another addict will come along to take his place and you will let him in unless you begin to work with your co-dependency. Keep coming back..al anon works if you work it and you are worth it!
What PP said x 100 .. without the support of Alanon I couldn't find my sanity. Something that is a hard question that maybe you need to ask yourself is why are you allowing him to side line your recovery? There are meetings that offer babysitting and sometimes I have taken my kids to meetings that don't offer babysitting. Yes it can be a distraction the reality is I need recovery, the best way for me to get recovery is for me to get to a meeting and stop making excuses as to why I can't go or blaming my STBAX. If I don't go .. then it's on me. Not trying to be unsupportive just a gentle nudge to take care of yourself, you are important and you do matter. It is up to you to find your own self worth in those terms.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
