The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am coming back to Al-anon and hope to get to some f2f meetings in the near future. I am currently looking for support with my 8 year old daughter. My problem is setting boundaries with my AH when he is in charge of the care of my daughter. He was sober for 14 years, and for the last year and a half, has been steadily getting deeper and deeper into his disease. I am trying to get back into al-anon and will work the steps and get a sponser, for my peace of mind. But where/how do I discuss this with my 8 year old? She is bright and I am almost ready to tell her that her father has a disease with alcohol. But she is super sensitive also, and I don't really want to do this. My concern is when I have to leave her in his care, if I have a business meeting or something to attend to at night. I never know when he is going to drink. So far, he has made it about 4 days at the most. He is currently seeing a counselor and working on his "issues", but I believe he is just using that as part of his disease process and denial. I really do not want to kick him out of the house. I love this man, especially when he is sober. But the responsibility that has become so much on my shoulders is weighing me down immensely and making it hard to find some serenity. I am trying. So, I am reaching out. Hopefully I can find someone who can sponser me and help me go through the steps again. I believe that the experience, strength and hope from others will come into me. But for now, I did not believe that I would have to go through this again, and this time around feels much more hopeless and as though the disease will keep him. What is hard is knowing how to set boundaries with him around his daughter, and getting the support I need to enforce them. I feel very alone. Thanks for letting me "share".
My son is a bit older and I know there are others on here who have younger children. For us, I told him that dad has a problem with alcohol, that is a hereditary problem that he is working on controlling but not really succeeding, and that our job is to love him but not excuse his behavior if it causes problems in the family. My AH got a DUI last year and went to jail, my son was 13 at the time. It was a real slap of reality in his face to see dad disappear for a few days knowing that he's in jail.
Anyway, I try to be honest without throwing my AH under the bus. My AH was also sober/dry for 15 years before he started drinking again so my son was very confused when dad started drinking beer and wine around the house, and then I was shocked when I found the hidden bottles of hard stuff. I hope others come on here about dealing with younger children but I think the best thing is to just let her know that she is safe and that she is loved. Also, if you worry about when they have time together alone, you could have a neighbor or friend check in with them and also have your daughter have a safety plan: calling a neighbor, relative, etc.
Getting a sponsor is HUGE and will truly help you find some peace and serenity. My AH is also going back to his counselor now twice a week he says to work on his issues. I also believe this is part of the disease process and his way of placating me to believe he's ready to quit drinking. He recently told me he only drinks to make me mad. Yeah, I'm not sure I buy that one!
I hesitated to post yesterday when I first read your post and I am sorry about that. I was feeling that my current situation precluded me from sharing my experiences with you and I realize now hat was just twisted thinking.Â
My husband is bipolar and an addict. his diseases predate my children so we have always had to deal with his illnesses and I had to find ways very early on to talk to my children. I can't give advice but I will share what I did. i have learned from my own life of growing up with an alcoholic that children sense much more than what we think (or hope) they do and often, when they don't have an explanation given to them, they come up with one that involves them doing something wrong to cause the anger, hurt or general craziness hat comes from living with an addiction. I did not want my children dealing with that. I consulted with our family therapist about age appropriate words to use as they were growing Up. When they were very young, it was that "dad is siheads his head". He has a special brain that makes him sick sometimes and he has to go away. My son has a "special" heart that needed treatment so that term worked for them. When my husband would have a bipolar attack and would start using either we would go away or he would. I told them that is was fine to be angry when dad was sick. That sometimes I got angry when dad was sick. We weren't angry at dad. We were angry at the situation. In this way, they were always able to come to me and talk to me about what they were feeling. We continued to see a family therapist throughout their childhood to help us sthrough what they were feeling. Sometimes it was anger at me for staying in this relationship. Sometimes it was the frustration for all the difficulties that dealing with an addict brought to our lives.
As far as safety about leaving your daughter with your SO, that was something I was no willing to chance. I also had to work because often I was the only one bringing in money. I enlisted my mother's helps as well as some really good babysitters. There were times I had to leave him with them but I almost always regretted it. Once he took them to meet with his drug dealer. Another time he used in the house with them.
my boys are 17 and 18 now and old enough to tell me the things they did like and didn't like about how I brought them up. One thing they are very grateful of is our open and honest relationship. I never lied to them. I never sugarcoated the truth. I never kept them wondering. I have asked them if that was hard. If I have them too much information and they both say no. I am struggling today because my oldest just came to me three days ago to tell me that he was addicted to opiates. I am so grateful that we have the kind of relationship where he could trust that I could listen and help and not freak out...at least not in front of him. Anyway, that was why I had hesitated to share my experiences with you. Right now I am questioning my decisions of my past and didn't know if I had the right to share but after talking to them both last night about this subject, I still feel that what I did in this regard was right.
Thank you both for your responses and support. As you mentioned ilovedogs, I do not want to throw my AH under the bus, I just want to be able to be honest and not have her worry/wonder about the tension that is present when he drinks. I am trying to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. I have told him I will not stay around him when he drinks, which I have followed through with twice now. He started first thing in the morning yesterday, and I had to work and leave my daughter with him. It was hard for me, but I knew also that having had a very busy Saturday, Sunday was a quiet day. So he could drink and she would play on her own. When I got back, I told him I was going to be out for the rest of the day, and that I would "check" in with him regarding dinner. And my daughter and I had a great time. We went shopping and saw a movie. We brought dinner home, after I spoke to him and it went well. What is hard is realizing that this insanity has been active in our lives for the last year and a half, and I'm not sure how much more I can do. I will go to see our therapist, and ask her how to give my daughter the information. And the words. Maybe we'll go in together. I think your decisions were the best for you at the time Julianna. I like the word choices and the going away seems to be appropriate. Consequences for their drinking are really what works, or maybe opens up something. Not sure how long this episode of active drinking will last. He mentioned being tired of himself. I hope that is true. But I need the tools and support so that I can take care of me and my daughter. I also like being able to be angry/upset at the situation, not at the person who is so caught up in his disease. I'm just ready to let go of this all and let God. It feels so all-consuming. Thank you so much! Both of you. It helps to know I'm not alone.
-- Edited by ryanhearted on Monday 6th of May 2013 01:05:42 PM
