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I know being self centered is part of alcoholism but I have reached my limit of my stbxah whining about poor, poor him. Life is so hard for him. No one understands how hard is life is and how he suffers. Never mind the fact that I got laid of from my job and now can't pay my rent because he spent all our savings. His car was repossessed after he stopped making the payments and he now has to take the bus to his job where he makes a good salary. Being unemployed is nothing compared to having ride a bus. Poor, poor him. And yes his car was financed in both our names and my great credit is now totally destroyed because of the repossession. His already terrible credit is a little worse. Poor him. No one knows how he suffers. And how could the bank be so cruel to take away his car. So he hasn't made a payment since January. And we received tons of notice that they were going to repossess if he didn't pay prior to the repossession. He would have paid eventually. How dare they take his car. Don't they know he is special and can't be on a bus like the common people? And so what if his license is suspended and he shouldn't be driving anyway. His four DUI's don't count. At least one was my fault because I set him up so he only as 3 and that's not bad. He deserves to drive. He's a great drunk driver. He drives drunk everyday and has only been arrested 4 times. And I'm lucky I don't have a job because now I don't have any wages to garnish when the bank sues us for the balance due after the car is auctioned off. I can't imagine the stress he is going through knowing his wages might be garnished. No one suffers like him. And we only have until Monday to pay all the past due payments, late fees, towing fees, and storage fees or the car is being auctioned off. Why am I not spending every second of my day trying to come up with this money so I can get the car back for him? Why am I wasting my time on job applications and interviews right now? Even if I can't pay my rent isn't it more important for him to have his car back? And so what if both my mom and sister have cancer. Why can't they give us the money to get the car back? Surely having cancer doesn't compare to the horrors of having to ride the bus. Now he has to walk to the liquor store and don't I understand how embarrassing that is for him? People see him with his little paper bag and think he's a common drunk. And he's not like those other drunks. He's special and should be driving to the liquor store everyday in his nice car. I can't take it anymore. I wanted to try to work with him to clear up our debts but I can't deal with this all day pity party and complete lack of insight or lack of caring that he creates these problems and his irresponsibilty has created tons of problems for me. I'm completely ignoring his calls and texts. Nothing prodcutive comes from communicating with him and he is totally incapable of doing anything but making this financial mess we are in even worse. There are so many things to hate about this disease but the self centeredness and self pity is the most frustrating for me. I have gone back and forth between compassion, anger, and disinterest in my feelings towards him. But now I just feel contempt and disgust. I hate feeling this way about a man I loved so much and spent so much of my life with but he is just pathetic.
That was awesome and I couldn't agree more. No regard for anyone but themselves. I have wrapped my head around a lot of things that alcoholism brings but this one I have the most trouble with. I keep waiting for him to wake up and get the pain and destruction that he has caused.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Scared...I'm sorry, but your post made me laugh so hard!!! Mostly because it rings so true with me...
My exA has sold basically everything, lives in his sister's basement, and hasn't worked in 3 years. His health is awful, and he thinks he has prostate cancer.
Every time I see him it's always all about him...how he can't afford the medication he needs (which is my fault for divorcing him and he was on my insurance)...he is SO sick, etc etc etc.
Don't know if you've heard it, but one slogan I've heard, I think from AA is this "Poor me, poor me, POUR ME A DRINK"
There have been times when I wanted to say "yes, dear, it's all about YOU" -- but I know that would just lead to a barrage of insults slung my way.
Know that we get it..and thank you for the laugh. If we don't laugh at the ridiculousness of it, we'll be depressed...
Hugs, It's powerful cunning and baffling. I'm amazed constantly at the diseases victim mentality. Isn't out great to know you don't have to respond to its garbage?? I actually feel sorry for my stbax these days. I wonder how anyone can live like that and remember he's existing not living. Your vent is well stated and sooooo point on. Keep up the good work!! Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sounds pretty par for the course. I was like that and my ex-A that I was with was also like that. You have just written a very vivid and accurrate portrayal of the alcoholic mind. It's sad how you had to learn all this though. You definitely have a Ph.D. now in alcoholic thinking. Sigh....
My motto now (among many others) is "self pity is my enemy" because that is generally where I start getting all sick and twisted. Bars don't do it, friends that drink don't do it...my own self-centered, self-pitying thinking makes me sicker and more vulnerable to relapse than anything else.
I come to work everyday and see the factory works coming and doing their jobs and working so hard to feed their families. What good people we have here. Then I look at my son that had everything this world could provide and he sits and complains his life sucks and why does it have to be him. He says it''s everyone else that is keeping him from finding a job or he can't get out to find one because he doesn't have a license. It's go's on an on......you would think is would be easier for them to just buckle down and work through it but NO. I think I will be in a better place once he is without any more assets left and becomes homeless. Then he will see what life is all about.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You have incredible writing skills!!! You hit the nail on the head! You sounded just like my AH when he was drinking. You also sounded just like me (Contempt and disgust) before I gave in and started attending Alanon. Now, you need to push all that aside... those are his issues... let them go.... and focus on you. Great post!!
He sounds like my 26y.o. grandson, the other day I invited him over for a family get together, as his ride was about to leave him, he is running around gethering his belongings, and saying "grandma why didn't you fix me a plate to go?" Mind you, I had arranged the ride, and reminded him to keep his belongings together after I let him take a shower. Oh! yes! "I can't help it if he is the black sheep of the family"
I keep him on my prayer list!
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Very well stated! You have just described my exAH. He caused enormous debt, etc and still has his hands out stretched demanding an entitlement of more- there are times when I feel that if everyone in the universe gave him all their money and assets, he would whine that it wasn't enough- poor him this and poor him that. Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, hearing my own terrified voice crying, "stop!". It does get old quickly- much too much for me to handle alone- I'm so grateful for Alanon. Glad you're here.
While I completely remember living with the self-centeredness, I am writing to suggest you consider spending your time WRITING. Oh you are so good at it. I just read this partway through, then backed up and read it out loud in an empty room. I couldn't finish for laughing. You describe the situation perfectly. Focus on yourself. I'll look for you on the best-seller's shelf at my bookstore. I too am glad you're here.
Oh Yeah Scared and Confused..you nailed it! How in the world can you have a relationship with someone who only thinks of themselves!My ex AH was sober for 7 months when I left...the self centeredness and lack of care, concern or compassion for anyone elses feelings, along with complete lack of remorse for the destruction he caused made me realize that I could no longer stay in what was, essentially, a non-relationship.....
Didn't like when he was drinking..guess I still didn't like him sober.....Hang in there!!
Thank you everyone for the feedback on my long, crazy rant. I was so full of rage last night I was actually shaking as a I was pounding the keys of my laptop but it definitely helps to come here and just get it out. It is devastating to see my once kind and generous husband turn in to this selfish jerk. I feel like the man I married has died and there is now this monster living in his broken down body. I'm sure many of you understand the feeling of just wanting to grab them and shake the crazy out of them. Or slap them and yell, wake up. Don't you see what you are doing to yourself and to me? Just stop drinking. Now I know nothing I say or do is going to make him want to quit. I am just thankful I don't have to live with this insanity for the rest of my life. I still have my bad days but I am getting better.
Oh how your post got to me, I would like to laugh but feel more like crying, but that is because I am verging on feeling self -pity!
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My ex A had appealed when his benefits stopped, amazingly to me he won his appeal and got reimbursed a fairly large sum of money. Whats the worst thing you can give an alcoholic? Well money is pretty high on the list, the money lasted two days and yesterday I got the whinge about how he could'nt pay his rent or bills, how this is all "Gods punishment" oh and funny enough slipped into the whingeing self pity a little question - "would I take out a loan to help him, and he will pay me back".
The answer was no, this of course led to how he could'nt cope, if only his Mother hadn't died when he was 12, if only his Father hadn't died last year, if only his family weren't so wicked, if only he could get a job (he doesn't even try) if only other people could understand all his myriad problems, if only, if only, if only.......
He now has gone to mental health services telling them how his bi-polar is causing all the problems ( he was diagnosed as not having bi-polar two years ago and told then that he could not be helped as he had to stop drinking). Of course AA didnt work for him because its full of "pathetic sad people who should get a life".Â
I have been filled with so many conflicting emotions today, I indentified with Compassion, Anger, and yes Resentment as I have steadfastly tried to remain friends (he has no other) but have really been going through the wars listening to this self-pitying crap of denial. Yes I know alcoholism is a disease, an awful disease and it breaks my heart to see anyone literally killing themselves - therein lies the compassion but that is counterbalanced by the anger and resentment I feel at hearing this constant blame of everyone else. When I think about it my life has hardly been a bed of roses, I have endured many painful situations including having a life threatening illness a couple of years ago but i TRUST my HP and here I am mainly grateful for my life and just trying day by day to the next best thing.
I am so glad that I read your 'rant' because it reminded me that we all are so affected by this sickness in those we care about and that despite working my program there are times when the emotional and spiritual sickness of alcoholism still hits me really badly and I end up taking it personally rather than seeing it for what it is!
Today I feel wretched, cannot sleep and my mind is in a chaotic whirl - I know that my mind has been re-playing the soundtrack of his previous alcoholic behaviours and my reactions to it. I thought I had moved on from this but I have come to realise that I probably never completely will and maybe thats not a bad thing, whilst I am sure I will struggle emotionally for a few days I will get through this and that I must remember that I am in FEAR at the moment, that this is not an easy path we walk in Al-Anon but it is a kind and loving one, I might feel wretched today but I need remember that needs to spur me on to change, forgive, let go and recover and that ultimately the only thing I can deal with is my own insanity
It isn't funny, but the way you've worded it all is funny. I can certainly relate to what you're thinking and feeling as his disease drags him through the mud of nobody loves me, everybody hates me and I can't even drive my car now because nobody loves me, everybody hates me.
I can't imagine how difficult all these circumstances are for you right now. I hope you have a good friend who can invite you to a good dinner full of your favorite things, give you all you need to relax in a good, warm soak in the tub, and make sure you spend the night in a comfortable, safe bed for a good night's sleep. Maybe that good friend to you can be you?
I'm glad you have a good sense of humor that can help carry you through these very, very hard times and Al Anon, too.
Sadly it isn't just A's that do this - my first ex, man, everything is always about him, how it sucks to work, his car is always broken down, he wrecks every good car he gets because well, he just uses it hard until it gives up! He is one of those who always has to "top" your problems, if my toe hurt, his whole foot felt like it was gonna fall off! And it couldn't ever be, you know, my foot hurts too, it was always so much bigger than mine - I swear he was jealous that women got to have periods! One time my then teenage daughter had a horrid cold, he came up the stairs complaining and saying he felt worse than she did, compared his symptoms to hers as worse, and she dead pan serious says to him, "does your face hurt?" and he, falling into her trap, starts to go on about how "yeah, as a matter of fact it does" and how bad it was and then she says - again dead pan - well, its killing me.......
His mother plays into it well, is always going on and on about poor "B", how bad it is, how he hates his job (suck it up, we all have to work! try cleaning toilets or changing old people's diapers and wiping them clean), how his car is in need of repair, how creditors keep calling him, etc.
I've started watching Les Miserables, the latest musical, not that I love that type of movie but man those people had it rough! Sometimes I think some people need to be transported back to those times for just a day to really get that - hey, THIS is life, everyday problems are just a fact of life and everybody has them; THAT was hell and something to complain about!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
