The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are a lot of movies out there about alcoholism and couples dealing with it. The movie with Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan (When a Man Loves A Woman) is not necessarily the greatest cimematic masterpiece, but I found it more accurate than many movies in that it did display her having to go off on her own, build up some semblance of a self, and how her husband had to get out of the way and let her do that before she could recommit to being a good partner, mom, wife...
So what I'm envisioning here is similar in that he needs space if he's gonna recover and so do you. A newly sober person needs to learn how to be a grown up, pay bills, vacuum, iron, decorate their own house, do their own laundry. Then you will maybe (MAYBE) reunite as a full functioning couple and break years and years of patterns of enabling and him not functioning fully. I am sure he's scared to death and I was too when I first got sober and felt like I didn't even know how to tie my shoes by myself. But I did know. I just never HAD to do it on my own before. Thank GOD I did it though.
P.S. - I see how many people come on here calling their spouses "functional" alcoholics as if that's true or a good thing. I had a job but that was about it. I had to be on my own to learn to do absolutely EVERYTHING else. I hadn't done dishes, taken out the trash...nothing. Yet I considered myself "functional" Please.... Funtional was having to do everything a grown up does to take care of themself on my own and there was no medal or blue ribbon waiting for me just for acting like I should and how every grown up should. As long as I lived with someone else, I wanted a freakin trophy every time I did the littlest thing other than drink or go to work.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 1st of May 2013 08:46:47 AM
I don't know a lot about the stages of grief, but I remember denial, anger and acceptance and I think that's the correct order? AH has been moving through the 3 of them, and I can only believe that because I am not wavering he is being gently nudged toward acceptance. Yesterday he looked at several apartments, was trying to decide between two of them, so I actualy went with him to lend my two cents! It was actually kind of funny, telling realtors that we were splitting up, but since we are still raising kids together I was along to check the place out with them in mind!
He is still looking but actually did put a hold on a 'frontrunner' that will be available June 1. It's funny, how he fought this at first but yesterday was actually hopeful to be able to start moving mid May. I can only describe my feelings right now as relieved, but sad. I know that I have done all I can do to keep the marriage going without losing myself completely, so I have to know that that is good enough for me. Anytime I start to question my decision I will hear my AH talk about how he is 'really trying to take care of himself now', 'not overdo it' or talk about other friends who have gotten sober saying 'they REALLY needed to stop' and I am reminded that this decision is right for me--otherwise I would be watching and waiting for something that truly may never happen.
It must sound like a broken record by now but the support here is incredible, helps give me clarity---I appreciate any and all ESH!!
I hope anyone else who is dealing with similar situation can find peace as I am working on that also
To answer your question the 5 stages of grief are: Denial, anger bargaining, depression and finally acceptance
I know that I went through the denial and bargaining stage before entering the rooms of alanon. It was by attending alanon meetings with the help of a sponsor I learned to feel my anger move to sadness and finally acceptance. It all is a process
Be gentle with yourself at this time , as you will also be feeling these feelings. Remember to take care of yourself and do not get too hungry, angry lonely or tired . Meetings, alanon calls rest work well
It sounds like you are going through what I went through just 3 months ago -- separating, helping my AH move to accomplish that, trying to walk the line of making things secure and comfortable for my daughter there but trying to step back and let him do that, too. I understand what you are experiencing and I want you to know I think you're brave and strong for what you are doing.
When my AH first moved out, I experienced a huge emotional uplift -- I felt free and strong and energized in a way I've not felt in a long time. I was aware of claiming my own life back, and feeling the good feelings around that. But as a bit of time has gone by and I've worked hard on processing things, I feel like I understand things on such a different level. How his drinking has affected me -- how it affects me now, how it affected our relationship in ways I did't see or understand at the time, and how much trust and respect I lost for him over the years. It's so odd interacting with him now, which I do regularly around spending time with our daughter. Sometimes I feel like he's a person I "used to know" which is odd but which reflects a fair amount of detachment... Sometimes I'm so disappointed and sad at hearing him say the same justifications/excuses, and I understand how deep his denial runs. He does not acknowledge that he's an alcoholic.
When I've thought about grief, I've realized that I am going through those stages, too. His denial around drinking and medications causes me pain and frustration and anger at times. I tend to think as the stages of grief as circles, sort of like on a "Twister" game mat -- some times I'm squarely in one place, some days I have a foot on different places and a hand in another area, too! These days, I'm feeling a lot of sadness. But more and more, I'm standing squarely on acceptance, so I figure that's progress.
I'm finding Al Anon and the sharing here tremendously helpful, I hope you do too.
I think Yanksfan, that knowing the stages of grief, makes the process even more painful! But then, at least we now when someone, or ourselves, has finally gotten there!
Oh boy! Sometimes I wish that everyone in my life was in a programme of some time. What i have learned that we discoverers can act as a catalyst. We can't change everything, of course- but if something is going to change we will be the first to notice.
My SO has another addiction [food]. While not taking this up in Alanon is has helped enormously to be a member. The crisis came late last year with a serious fall. I waited for the clinicians to say and do something. They all came around and ticked the non-smoking box.
So i picked my time and used my love and tact. And said things how they were. The family [daughters] came in behind me and supported us both.
So far so good! And the emotional growth all round is great!
Learning to grieve, getting to weep, and having a shoulder or two to cry on, is really a part of life and growth, in the long run.
Thanks for this gift... and thanks for your share Yf.
I think Yanksfan, that knowing the stages of grief, makes the process even more painful! But then, at least we now when someone, or ourselves, has finally gotten there!