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Hi all! I'm still pretty new here, and am wondering how do I manage my expectations? I seem to be having a difficult time with that.
My BF has been in rehab since last Wed. He called me for a quick second (from his counselor's office) last Friday, to tell me that he was allowed to have visitors on Sunday. I was shocked, b/c I wasn't expecting to hear from him, and I wasn't expecting him to be allowed to have visitors so soon. His parents & I went to see him on Sunday. I'm not really sure what I was expecting that day, but left feeling really down. He barely talked to me, and I felt like I practically had to beg him for a hug. :(
I posted on this board on Monday, about how I was feeling, and someone responded about managing my expectations. I'm not really sure how to do that, but need to learn quickly. Today (Wed.) is his first day he is allowed to use the phone. We were told that patients are allowed to use the phone one day/week from 3-5 PM &/or 10-11 PM, based on who their counselor is, and again on Sunday from 1-5 PM (I guess if they have no visitors they can make calls). My BF made it a point to tell me that if he called between 3-5 that he would be calling from the counselor's office, and if he called between 10-11 that he would be calling from the "common area" with the TV blaring in the background and everyone around. I asked if he was trying to tell me that he wouldn't be calling me, and he said no - that he would be calling.
I guess what I need help with is how to not feel disappointed (or some other sad type feeling) after he calls. I felt so down after Sunday's visit that I told his mom I was thinking about not going back this weekend. Of course I know I'll go back because I love him and want him to know that I support his recovery. I just don't know how to manage my expectations. I just want to feel happy to have received a call from him, and also want to NOT feel sad after this Sunday's visit.
The other thing is this - the woman who ran the orientation for visitation made it clear that families could call their loved ones counselor and ask for a "family session". After the visit on Sunday, my BF's mom called and left a message requesting a session. When I spoke with her on Monday, she could tell how down I was feeling and suggested that I call and ask for a session as well. I left a message for the counselor and still have not received a call back. I was fully expecting a return call within 24 hours, and that didn't happen. Another expectation that I guess I need to manage...lol.
We still have no idea how long my BF will remain in rehab. He said he doesn't think his insurance will cover much more than a week, so I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens there. Part of me wants him to stay longer, to get more clean time, and take advantage of the services that they offer. I also feel a little nervous for when he comes home - which is one of the things I wanted to discuss with the counselor. I guess there are expectations that need to be managed around him coming home as well.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Both my exAF and my son have gone to rehab in my recent past. I know what you are describing. They miss us, but while in there they seem to get really close to those they are there with and we fell pushed aside. It seems to be a normal thing. But, I know exactly what you are saying, but I have no idea why or what we do about it. It's almost like they have new girlfriend (sobriety) and we are not as important as we were right before they went in. Hugs. I know I am no help, but I understand what you are feeling. btdt.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Hugs and welcome, something to take time and do for you is to read the book getting them sober , volume 2, Toby rice drew. It's a book about taking care of you. Are there f2f meetings in your area for Alanon? I would strongly encourage you to attend. Just because an addict goes to rehab doesn't mean their journey for sobriety is over. It's a daily thing just like my own program is just one step in many for learning how to take care of me. Keep coming back, hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Rookie and welcome. Your post really brought back a lot of memories. It was very difficult for me to stay present and focused on myself when my husband went to rehab. My time was so limited with him while he was there and it seemed my happiness and life depended on him getting sober and staying sober. I felt lonely and left out. Beginning Alanon and going to the meetings helped me feel less alone and gave me a feeling of belonging. We can't really know the reason for someone else's behavior. My husband went into a long term rehab. I wasn't able to see my husband for the first month. The first month was considered an adjustment time for him as a newly sober person and for us. We were told to find Alanon and take care of ourselves. There were no phone calls aside from his councellor for updates. I can understand your disappointment. When someone is newly sober, they are really in a fog so I try your best to not take it personally and maybe keep close to Alanon for continued support. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Many rehab facilities have a sliding scale and or other supportive options; however, I'm not suggesting that this is something with which you involve yourself.
My exAH went through rehab twice and I will say that it was an unusually uncomfortable time with respect to expectations. I didn't have the benefit of Alanon at the time. In hindsight, I realize just how limited he was in what he could manage. It was an overwhelming time for me, too. Pushka's suggestion of the Toby Rice Drews' book is a good foundation.
Attend face to face Alanon meetings, find someone who's worked the program to walk through the principles and steps with you, read all you can to educate yourself on alcoholism/ addiction. It took me a long time to gain an understanding of Alanon enough to apply the principles and improve my situation... keep coming back.
You are in a difficult place, and I think it's wonderful and strong of you to come and ask for help.
I'm pretty new to Al Anon too. I've never dealt with a rehab situation like yours -- my AH denies he has a problem with alcohol. But I struggle a lot with expectations, feelings of disappointment and hurt, and here's what I've been thinking lately:
1. I try to give myself permission to feel how I feel. I come from a mom who grew up with a violent alcoholic father and her coping mechanism was to just not feel anything. I grew up in a household where talking about or showing feelings was just not done. There was a whole lot of numbness and depression. So, for me, letting myself feel sadness and disappointment is important. I want to recognize my feelings and let myself feel them. I know that when you love someone and they say they love you, it's natural to want and expect kindness, loving gestures, etc. Not getting those hurts. And it's okay to feel that.
2. Even while it's healthy to recognize how I feel, it's not helpful or useful or appropriate to project my expectations onto my AH. He can't give me those things right now. My expectation that he will or should aren't realistic. I have to accept that he is where he is, and understand that because of his alcoholism, he's just not emotionally available in that way. My expecting him to give me what I need is a form of MY denial, I think.
So I suppose it's about acceptance. Accepting he is where he is -- in your case, he is working on his own issues in his own way, and is coping with his own difficult emotions. Maybe the goal is to try to be there -- without any expectations of how he will behave or what he might do, just be there to BE there. When you go home, feel proud that you are working on your own acceptance and support, and let yourself feel the whole range of feelings you feel -- happiness at seeing him, sadness at how he reacts or doesn't, etc. I'm feel like the goal for me is accepting what the reality is. And that means seeing what he can and can't do, and feeling how that feels.
Good luck, and keep coming back. It sounds like you're strong and I admire your working on figuring out how to deal with these very difficult things.
Just wanted to thank everyone for their messages. I appreciate them all.
I wanted to report that my BF called this afternoon and we had a pretty good 15 minute talk. He sounded much better, and I was totally up-beat as well.
He mentioned that his counselor had said that I called to ask for a family session, and he wanted to know what that was about. He thought that I wanted to have a session with the two of us and his parents, since his mom also called to ask for a family session. I told him that I have a lot of feelings and wasn't sure what to do with them, and that I also wanted to talk about when he leaves rehab. He said he understood and that he would give his counselor my school / work schedule and they would try to come up with a time.
He is allowed to use the phone again tonight between 10-11PM, and said he would try to call me again if the phone was free. I am not expecting a call (managing my expectations), so if he does call it will be a bonus. Also, I still feel so happy that he called earlier and we had a good conversation. :)
Since it turns out that I don't have to work tomorrow, I am going to my first F2F meeting. There's one in my neighborhood at 10AM, which is such an odd time if you ask me. Don't they realize that most people work and can't make this time??? Oh well... I'm going!!!
Thank you again for all of the support and comments that you have given me over this past week. It's been a pretty difficult week on so many levels. I'm definitely feeling much better now, and looking forward to visiting again on Sunday.
