Helping vs enabling - Al-Anon Family Group

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

Helping vs enabling

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The title of the post grabbed me because it was an Al-Anon lesson and awareness. If they have the time, ability and facility to get their needs met and I step in and take over that is enabling...If they lack any one of those three things ...and... they request my help that is helping. Enablers/Jerry F didn't practice the protocols necessary for getting this right because he always reacted and took over management of his alcoholic/addict's life and there fore she never got to practice self care and responsibility for self...I was always in the way. Even when she knew how to do what was necessary for herself I interfered cause I believed she would get it wrong without me and I was always afraid (false evidence appearing real...fear) something, anything, would go wrong and sweep her away. That never happened unless she continued to make the decision to drink and use....Tough Love is good love with the practicing addict and unless they are willing to get into recovery and do what is required to get clean and sober they are always practicing. Remember that the disease lives on 4 levels...the mind, the body, the spirit and emotions. If your husband isn't well informed about addiction I suggest he go get informed...If he won't ...don't enable him either. Stay strong...find the hotline number to Al-Anon in your area from the white pages of your local telephone book and get to the very earliest meeting you can. Keep coming back here also. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

No. That's not seriously trying. A 19 year old is capable of more than "baby" steps. All our literature states that sobriety must be contingent upon nothing. So whenever anyone goes "I will get sober if..." That is a set up and a manipulative ploy right there. We get sober to have a life and because we know it ruins our lives (step 1 basically).

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are spot on and you are not being rigid. We cannot be soft with an alcoholic/addict, and, as pinkchip said, there are no baby steps. Begin attending al anon meetings to get some support and you will gain the strength you need to deal with this heartbreaking, difficult situation. It is very hard to turn our loved ones over to the care of God, but we must for them and for us. We cannot make deals or be wishy washey in any way when dealing with an addict...they can smell it on us and they will eat us up. It is the nature of the addiction, not them...this is impersonal. Keep coming back to this forum....hugs

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I spent 4 years trying to keep my son's head above water. 2 DUI's, accidents, jail time, rent, food, fines, and anything else you can think of to no resolve. 70 thousand dollars later and nothing has changed. I continued to give him a way of life so he can continue his addiction without consequences. Many times I got the I will change, I need help to get out of this and please mom please. He has a felony DUI on his record and he still got 5 jobs in this 4 years but couldn't keep them. Fired because of his addiction or just quit.

I was obsessed with him and trying to fix him. He is a clean cut, educated and had a good life until Alcohol.

My fears and worries are finally starting to go away because of Al-anon. I'm learning to let go and let God take care of my loving son. I'm learning to give him the respect he needs to overcome this addiction if he wants. I can't and will never be able to do it for him.

Please check out Al-anon and give your son the BB.

Welcome to MIP and keep coming back because we are here in support.

(((( hugs ))))

Sincerely · Senior Member

Tough situation that you are in with your precious 19 year old son.

This month made 2 years that my precious 19 year old step son was shot to death in his mother's home. Most likely over a dispute over a few pain pills or Xanax.

I remember my step son's mother's words so clearly: "I knew what was going on, I didn't like it, but I thought if I kept him close, I'd keep him safe."

At the time of my step son's death, my husband's addiction was full blown. I was living a nightmare. Today he is clean and sober.

I will pray for your family. I hope that you and your husband can both go to Alanon. Addiction effects everyone in the family.

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

Wow, I am blessed by the outpouring of support. Great wisdom. I will definitely locate meetings locally as well.
Self care seems foreign to me right now. I have worried myself to the point of health issues....and f course that does no good.
Thank you for saying that recovery based on something "I will stop if..." Is not recovery. It has to stand alone.
When he saw me consider helping he began frantically calling every minute....it was like a shark in a feeding frenzy. Once I stopped picking up phone and stopped replying to texts it began to slow down. I have not heard from him at all today.
Oddly enough, I'm stronger when I don't hear from him....once he reaches out I question myself and the guilt etc starts to grab me. I get swept into a panic.
I was not in a position to get to a meeting due to health. I am so glad I found this group. Thank you! You helped me through the inner chaos.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Please come to meetings online here if you can and also search other posts with Adult Children with addictions. The search in the red strip at the top of the page will give you a drop down box...so type in something like son and start reading other posts regarding their son's and daughters. Mip has given me so much help in my guilt and worry regarding my son. I have learned to leave him alone and give him the dignity to work this out himself. If mom continues to come to the rescue he will never hurt enough to seek help. My son needs to deal with his choices no matter what happens.

Keep coming back......
(((( hugs ))))

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

I went to a Al-Anon parents' meeting recently and someone shared that when we do for our alcoholic/addicted adult children, we are in essence, giving them the message that we are stronger than they are, which is not the message we want to teach them. They need to learn on their own how to be strong. If we do for them, we are not allowing them to grow and to have the grace and dignity to live their life. It might not be the life we would chose for them, but it's the life they chose- which is up to them and their HP.

oldergal · Senior Member

I've heard it all before, but what use to get me the most is that my son would ask for help and need it NOW!, like today or he wouldnt get that job etc. etc. the pressure would get to me the most. That was years ago, but what I didnt know is that I didnt need to be in a rush and that I could say I will think about it "I need time" to figure out whether it would be enabling or helping. I wouldnt consider straightening out his car issues a baby step, I would consider it a big deal, no vehicle he is dead in the water and has to ask for rides and maybe can't get the "job" and then he has to feel his "pain" of making dumb mistakes. Then I finally said "drop your addictions first son" then I will help you. After so many wasted years of enabling I finally wised up and now he is on a rode to sobriety. You can only do what is right and what your gut feeling tells you. I pray you will make the best choices for YOU. In support Oldergal

rookie95 · Member

Thank you to the person who posted "If they have the time, ability and facility to get their needs met and I step in and take over that is enabling...If they lack any one of those three things ...and... they request my help that is helping."

I definitely need to remember that. I actually just wrote it on an index card that I can keep in my purse. I believe that I have always been an enabler, even way before I met my alcoholic boyfriend. I need to keep in mind that I can not save the world and not everyone needs my "help".

Thank you!

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

In thinking about "if they have the time, ability and facility to get their needs met and I step in and take over that is enabling....IF they lack any one of those three things...and they request my help...that is helping!

I am confused by that. My sons license was suspended...he does not have the ability to pay the fine to get a work license. Therefore he is driving to work and risking going to jail. He has asked me to help him. I did tell him that he has things to do that only he can do (take the classes that they require him to take and do any other work they require of him for his suspended license) after he does that, THEN get with me. I told him that I would not be able to make promises, but that I would be more inclined to help him if he was DOING something himself....for himself! He is still in the stage of wanting me to fix it all. Truth is, that is what I have done for him for many years...and I cant do that anymore! It only hurts us both.

oldergal · Senior Member

Time, that means he has to take time off work to attend the class.

Ability, he will have the ability to take the class when he makes time for it.

Facility, is this going to cost him money? And in what specific way is he asking you to help him?

Oldergal

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.