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Well again tonight my AH sober told me he wants to no now if I will stay married to him when I'm better? Can't tell him that. He wants me to promise this. I can not tell the future and I don't want to give false hope. He told me tonight before he went to work that its going to be hard going to aa meetings now . Why bother he says if your divorcing me who cares what I do. And quick to pass the blame and pity on my side of the street if he starts drinking again. . Not only I can't Get the help I need to get better he now adds In guilt .. This puts me back in the oven . I can't stand feeling guilty for his feelings . He does not want a divorce and he will not let go off me.
He is desperately trying to control you, and the only way he knows how is by trying to guilt you. Some people have success in imagining SICK, SICK, SICK written on their partner's foreheads. But why accept the guilty feeling? If he wants the marriage to work, he knows exactly what he needs to do: get that recovery going as deep as he can. Not because you said so, but because that's what a healthy marriage needs. It looks to me like he's doing just what my AH did: he's asking, in effect, "Can I get out of going to AA and working on my recovery by making you accept things the way they are, with all the drunkenness and chaos? I'm going to try my best to keep things the way they've always been." And why should we feel guilty for wanting the best for them and the marriage?
Isn't manipulation a powerful tool? I know from my experience that it sure is. I allowed myself to be manipulated over and over with the disease.
You need to do what is best for you. Your husband is not in your hula hoop, only you are. Now what is the best for you? That's between you and your HP.
Are you getting to f2f? Are you working with a sponsor? It is recommended that we don't make any big decissions right away. In the end, it's your call.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recvoery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Will you stay married to him when you're better?? or will you stay married to him when he'sbetter? That sounds like a very bright case of denial. He don't get it I thinks. Mattie is right on about "accepting" the guilt...let it fall to the floor and walk away from it. Help him learn that is isn't a good tool to use. Mandy is right on with seeing the manipulation for what it is. Him attending AA isn't about you at all or about saving his marriage...it is about saving his life because alcoholism is a life threatening disease...if not arrested by total abstinence he goes in sane and dies. Take care of your program for the same reason he needs to do his and keep coming back. In support ((((hugs))))
I can relate completely!! I finally told AH move out date June 1; can no longer live in this...has asked IF he gets serious about getting help will we have a chance? I'm 20+yrs in, been waiting to see that help for a long time! I really think they want the assurance so, as another member here wrote, they can do the bare minimum but not really focus on recovery; we will be reeled back in and life as they know it can continue without a hitch!
I tell my AH if you are serious about recovery that is wonderful! But please don't let that depend on what I do or don't do!
stay strong...lots of support and understanding here
He is doing what active, desperate A's do.... trying to hand his disease back to YOU.
In our recovery, we learn the tools to "gratefully deny" his offer, hand his addiction right back to him.
His comments sound manipulative, and he sounds like he is either trying to convince you - or already has convinced himself - that he was only going to get sober for you, and if that isn't in the cards, then he may as well be drunk....
In reality, the A's predicament is similar to ours, albeit more true "life or death" for them...
Al-Anoners choose recovery that will help them, regardless of what the A does or does not do (i.e. some of them get sober, some do not)
AA'ers choose recovery that will help them live, regardless of what their loved ones do (i.e. some spouses stay, others leave, etc - should be separated from the decision to get oneself sober)
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well again tonight my AH sober told me he wants to no now if I will stay married to him when I'm better? Can't tell him that. He wants me to promise this. I can not tell the future and I don't want to give false hope. He told me tonight before he went to work that its going to be hard going to aa meetings now . Why bother he says if your divorcing me who cares what I do. And quick to pass the blame and pity on my side of the street if he starts drinking again. . Not only I can't Get the help I need to get better he now adds In guilt .. This puts me back in the oven . I can't stand feeling guilty for his feelings . He does not want a divorce and he will not let go off me.