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I have been riding a crazy roller coaster with my husbands addiction. I am looking back and see a distirbing pattern of my thinking and wanted some thought. It seems like I always think things are getting better, like his sobriety is so close- any day now. But it never happens. It is just typical addict behavior I guess. He has lucid moments/days where he is going to try, or destroys thinsg related to it, he told my mom what he was doing, he said he cut off friends who use/deal. He started rehab. But in the end all of it was just meaningless words and actions. He made his first group session lasted five minutes and walked out and didn't go back. The next week he had a one on one session he showed up for and refuses to talk about at all. He was high for it. He didn't go back this week. he hasn't been to AA yet but spoaticly leaves to go then doesn't make it. Last night we kept talking about how he wants to quit how this is the worst he has ever been and if I leave he will give up and just use til he dies. But yet, he couldn't stop last night, monday and tuesday are bad for him. Maybe on Wednesday??? So I look back over the last several weeks and even though I have been trying to detach, and set bounderies one by one they have fallen because I keep fooling myself. "He is trying, he is going to rehab in a few days I will stick it out, He quit, he is trying I can't leave, it would be wrong to walk out on him when he is struggling so hard"
So now I am in this weird place between logic and emotion, just thinking options out. I don't think he is ready to quit and I don't know how much longer it will be and I can see him deteriorating every time he used extreem paranoia, and he is starting to get more agressive (not violent but I can see personality differnces and he has been in my face a few times) he has no respect for honesty, he is drinking and driving, he told me he stole a few things from the goodwill, he is ripping off customers (we have a service oriented business and loyal customers because for years he was honest trustworthy and good) he is mixing with a bad bad crowd. I just don't see a reason to even hold out hope right now. Last night he wanted to spend time with my step son and drive him to the gas station to get a pop and beer for him. But my son said they had to look for lights in the feild first. he was paranoid and had been using and smelled like alcohol. I told him he couldn't take kids driving ANYWHERE. I had to be there if he wanted to spend time with with his son. It was eye opening. He was sleepy the day before and said he stopped. But obviosly didn't, and lied about how much money he made and asked for the rest of mine.
I am sad because I really loved him, but that isn't really there as much now. I feel guilt becuase marriage is in sickness and health and he is very sick, and I am worried about my step son both his parents are meth addicts who have no business with him right now. But I just feel like he isn't going to change and I don't want to be associated with him anymore. I don't want people thinking I use or approve, or have kids affected. I worry if he gets worse he will get out of control paranoid. I can't do it anymore. But I am afraid i will keep getting sucked into the lie.. " Don't give up, any day now. hope is around the corner."
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.
-- Edited by Rinn on Monday 29th of April 2013 10:06:03 PM
-- Edited by Rinn on Monday 29th of April 2013 10:08:28 PM
Oh how I hear you and so understand that "Hope" that "Any Day it will all turn around". thinking. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease, as you know, and we are truly powerless over it. The best I could do in a like situation was to accept that I could not read minds and could not foresee his sobriety date. I could stay in the moment and in the day and use my alanon tools to help myself regain my sanity, self esteem and trust in a Higher Power. Remember the 3rd Step Turn your will and life over each day. and be patient a little longer. Keep using your alanon tools, pray the serenity prayer, do your readings, focus on yourself, listen to the small voice within and do not get to hungry, angry lonely or tired. Once you do this and find your inner peace it will be time to re asses your life and your decisions.
Oh dear woman I can so relate to your post. I was right there with you as I was reading it. I was married to an addict. He abused alcohol, but his drug go choice was not alcohol, it was meth and pot. It's a scary palce to be for sure. With the effects that meth has on a person.
First, I know it is disapointing to hear the promises of your loved one and then watch them not happen. He means them when he is saying them. I read once in a forum about the disease being a dragon and it has it's grips on the ones we love. The more then struggle to get away the harder it holds onto them. The closer we get to try and help them, the dragon lashes out at us. The only thing you can do is help you.
Second, I am haven't been around for a while, so I am not sure about your ability to get to f2f meetings or working with a sponsor. Those two things helped me so much. I fought the sponsor bit, it didn't go so well. I was afraid to open up. Read the literature. ODAT has been a life saver for me. Keep posting here, we are all here for you.
Third, only his HP knows when the bottom will be hit and what his bottom looks like. Just keep the focus on you, detach with love and remember to take care of you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I don't know about logic because the disease wasn't logical. I needed to be in Al-Anon, practicing my own program before I could arrive at that last word and promise of the 2nd step...sanity. That is the real of it...for me. One of the things I learned along the way was to understand that I was living with two women...My wife and My alcoholic/addict and with time and patience to learn which one I was around at any one time so that I could self manage with out the disease overtaking me and bringing me back into insanity. It was difficult to learn and I did learn it anyway. Learning how to detach was a huge lesson and coming to learn how to detach with love was magical because I could be around and with her while she was under the influence (in anyway shape or form) and not get angry and resentful. Keep coming back ((((Rinn))))
Rinn, logic is best when dealing with addiction. I've seen people be very eager in rehab and daily AA after and still relapse. He's not even willing to try so...
As far as it could all change...change is right around the corner. Yes, I agree with that, but I feel like that change originates from you and I can tell you are moving in that direction.
I am going to cut to the chase...what are you really willing to do? He has provided enough evidence (logic) that indicates he has no intentions of recovering. The decision for you is are you willing to live with a man using meth, stealing from whomever he can, lying, etc etc. If not, then what actions will you take get yourself sane. He is not the only one that needs to work a recovery program. I found it was easier to take my husbands inventory and tell him what needs to do when I was sitting on my hands not doing whaT I needed to do. This may seem harsh and perhaps it is..enough said. We love you!
I reached apoint last night where I told him he had ot leave for good. I called and talked with my mom and she is going to help me will bills and a finacial plan for a while. I called my attorney this am to get an appointment. I have a close friend my hubbys ex that is very supportive also. She has been doing the addiction road with others before. I ahve a small but good support network for me. I have decided my step son was the bigest reason for staying so I am going to try to ask for legal guardianship of him since both his parents are "in rehab" meaning they have meth addictions and signed up for rehapb but aren't going at all or in compliance. I can't let him live like that. I have had him since he was 2, and I am his only stable sober grown up. I finnally looked back and realized since I foudn out my AH was using it has been 8 weeks. I thought he quite for a few weeks, then I asked him to leave for two, then he was in rehab. But didn't go for two weeks and then last went ans walked out this week did a one on one ounsiling. I keep having hope and enough is enough...
I don't knwo if I have the strength or determination for a divorce but for sure a legal separation. I need to think it through more.
Are you attending alanon meetings in your area? NOW is the time for that kind of support .. it makes a GREAT deal of difference.
It's sooo hard and painful to be in the throws of these kinds of decisions, just keep taking care of you and know that HP has your back no matter what.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Rinn, you can have the strength to make the right decisions from an impersonal place if you attend al anon, get a sponsor and work the steps..in time you will know what this all means. Your husband is unable to provide you with the safety and security you may be wanting/needing, but safety and security is available to you through this spiritual journey called al anon. Lethim go and that does not mean divorce, it means let him live the life he is choosing (drugs, stealing, craziness etc) and you live the life you choose and just see what happens from there. You cannot do this without a HEALTHY support system (ie, al anon, God, sponsor, friends in recovery). BIG HUG
