The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, the AH again said he will go to AA, really work on his issues, and if he is willing to do this, can he continue to live in the house, even as a tenant?? I say..we had talked about a June 1 moveout anyway, I have no problem with you staying here until then, so by all means I hope AA is right for you! He wanted reassurance that I would give it all another chance before he actually did anything though! If you read posts from earlier this week you will remember he went to one mtg, came directly home two nights in a row and could not understand my polite distance from him, so the rest of the week was out drinking.
I just will not budge on the separation idea--at this point even if he were going to 2 mtgs a day I don't think I could live in it, it's too much for me I know it. Anyway, yesterday I asked him to take care of our two youngest....I met my sister and mom for lunch, took a ride and sat on the beach alone for an hour, came home and took an extra long run, and when I was done I met AH to pick up kids so he could go look at apts. He still is asking me if this is happening, if we are totally through....I guess to make sure he doesn't actually have to try and follow through w any AA commitment because when I cannot provide what he wants to hear, he was again out and did not return to our house until 10 to 5 this morning.
I have to see this for what it is--I am done for sure if there's no commitment to sobriety and recovery, and clearly he is not there or he would be pursuing this regardless of what I say or don't say, do or don't do. It doesn't make it any less hideous--I spent a lot of the weekend teary and emotional but I think I am seeing things clearly.
Thank you all for the support, better days are coming
When the reality sets in that an A is on their own there are 3 things that can happen .. they will get help, they will find someone else to enable them OR they will continue to do what they are doing.
NOW is the time to take care of you and I applaud your effort of doing so. I would encourage you to put that focus on you .. you only have to follow through on your boundary you don't need to JADE (Justify, Aruge, Defend or Explain) your decision. It is a very reasonable request and he's def looking to see what you are going to do NOT what you are saying.
As I am saying now .. show me the recovery .. don't tell me. (this is instead of SHOW ME THE MONEY from the Jerry McGuirre movie .. LOL)
YES .. LOL .. it seems we both had a big weekend .. I'm actually grateful Monday is here if nothing else to give me time to process what happened this weekend. It's ok to be emotional it's a big decision, it's a big deal.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yanksfan, I am at that point in my marriage, as well. With the last slip from my AH, the continued lies and broken promises, and his risk taking illegal driving issues, I am feeling very done. I keep thinking that by staying, I am being a doormat and expecting his behavior to just change magically or for the better. I have a feeling that tough love is the answer here and I truly believe he needs to find a recovery program if I'm going to continue on in this marriage. I hate the idea that I can't seem to find acceptance for unacceptable behavior, but I feel that he takes risk that 1: set the wrong example for our son and 2: put our family in financial risk with no regard for the possible outcome.
My AH will not go to AA. He has stopped going to his therapist about 5-6 weeks ago and hasn't told me(I was checking my insurance claim for blood work I got done and saw that his doc had no claims made since the middle of March). This is someone whose drinking is causing problems in his home, who has gotten in trouble with his company, and who already has a DUI and an ignition interlock on his car now. He still doesn't see the problem.
I like what Pushka said: show me the recovery. LOL, I needed to read that, too! You are ahead of me by setting a boundary and sticking to it. You know what's right for you and your kids and I applaud your fortitude. I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. I know the feeling even though I'm on the opposite coast visiting my mom. I had a nasty phone call with AH the other night and called him out on his lies, he wasn't too happy. Sigh, just know you are not alone. Hugs to you today!
Your A sounds very much like mine was, when she was not yet serious about her sobriety - looking for the "minimum change she could do, in order for me to quit changing, and allowing her to stay in her addiction".
Your A - telling you he'll choose sobriety, depending on YOUR decision as to whether or not he has a place to live afterwards, is that kind of "conditional acceptance" and/or manipulation that is so prevalent amongst A's who are not yet ready to find their sobriety...
I wish you well
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
/agree with Tom 100 percent. Those bargaining and hostage negotiating tactics are the active alcoholic's M.O. That is what they do in relationships rather than consider their partner's perspective or have any empathy. It's all about damage control, selfishness, and manipulation. That is the disease of addiction and how it plays out. The alcoholic/addict is selfish and destructive. They want what they want and they do not want you to object and set boundaries. When you do, they use coercion and any type of mental, emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse to get their way. A full on surrender to the disease and really working a recovery program often takes them having nobody left to pin their problems on. That's pretty much how it worked for me anyhow.
I wanted to add yanksfan - I am just so sorry that you have to go through this. I also want to state I'm really pulling for you and impressed with how you are not making yourself into a helpless victim of his behavior and his illness. You are being very solution focused and I am really amazed at how you are following through with the next right thing even though emotionally, this is gutwrenching.
