The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I probably should take some time to lurk a while or read a few stickies so I apologize in advance for jumping the gun. I really need to get some of this out.
First of all, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting but I have considered it. I met someone in AA and we hit it off great. About a month and a half into things, she tells me one day she decided to drink again because she wanted to "detach" her sobriety from me. Soon after that a tremendous amount of drama developed from us going to meetings together. She started accusing me of being in love with a particular girl that attended some of the same meetings we did. She kept telling me she knew I was in love with, slept with, and was cheating with the other girl. She keeps doing it to this day and it's been about 5 months. My AGF keeps pushing it on me until I get so mad I lose it. Then she uses that against me, saying that's proof to her. Occasionally, she varies and says it's "somebody" I'm seeing behind her back. She accuses me of a lot of things.
We've broken up and gotten back together many times. We talk, she makes me feel guilty or tells me she knows I'm faithful and it's just an issue of her's. Why I keep going back, I can't figure out. I know every time what it's going to be like. But still I go back. Things get really good for a few days and then she flips out on me.
The bad part is all the stupid things I've done hoping things will get better. We stopped going to meetings, I haven't been in touch with my friends, and I quit my job because she offered me a job working for her with her business. And I knew how bad things are when I did all these things. I thought it might help or make her feel more secure or something. I should know better. Now I've been depending on her for about a month and it's so nerve wracking not knowing where the next fight will come from. I'm looking for a job but it's not easy to find one. I'm also trying to go back to college. She uses all of that as reasons why I will find someone else and cheat on her or leave her.
Every time we break up, she either calls me non-stop and/or shows up on my doorstep. She makes me feel guilty and I switch into "fix it" mode. I don't know how to make all of this stop.
I feel so detached from my HP but I haven't drank over any of this. I'm just at my wit's end.
Glad you are here. This board helps so much, they are kind and not judgmental. I don't have anything great to offer you, except when I was at my wit's end, this board and the f2f meetings were a Godsend. I just came back recently after a lot of stuff going on, lead me back. Just when I thought I had it all together, I realized...I needed to be here. xo
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Welcome Thank you for your honest share .I am so glad that you have not drank over this situation. Alanon is a great program of recovery for anyone in a relationship with an alcoholic. Many people who still attend AA meetings, to maintain their sobriety and alanon to maintain their sanity. .Both programs urge members to not make any major life changes for the first year. I urge you to return to AA as quickly as you can and check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend
Welcome! Lurk, post, do what is helpful for you. None of us are really in any position to judge...as wavy gravey says, "we're all just bozos on the bus"
Three C's -- we can't cure it, can't control it, and didn't cause it...the "it" being another's drinking...
Keep coming back...it will help you get off the train to crazytown.
Burses, not sure how much sobriety time you have. It took me over 2 or 3 years to really recognize a codependent and drama filled person before I got entangled with them. I'm guessing you have a high tolerance for this BS and drama and that is due to living in chaos from your drinking days. You sound like you have some good recovery in you, but it takes more time and persistance to live the program in all your affairs (meaning in all your relationships). You also have to be dilligently working the program and steps to know how to handle situations that used to baffle you.
It sounds like your HP is giving you sign after sign that this girl is not good for you, not good for your recovery, and also that you are not really good for her recovery either. I'm also in AA and I know that if I was dating someone in the program I would have some serious boundaries set around it because my recovery IS THAT IMPORTANT. It is everything because without it, I have no life. Boundaries for me dating in AA would be:
No dating someone with less than a couple years sobriety. If they relapse I am done and out of there... We could go to some meetings together but mostly would need to go to different meetings. The person needs a sponsor and they need to be dedicated to the program because I can't do the program for them. They cannot leech of my program to stay sober. They need their own. If they tried to blame me 1 time even for drinking...I would be so gone. That shows a creepy codependency and also a very poor understanding of step 1. I don't have time for that and I worked too hard for my sobriety to put up with that BS. I may even fire a sponsee for saying something so sabotaging and silly as that they drink to have their sobriety "detached" from someone else. Nobody is going to pull the jealous teenager act on me because I am not 13 and we are not in middle school. If you think I'm cheating then go ahead and leave - be done with it. I have better things to do than engage in silly arguments with someone that insecure.
When I was in my first year and second year of sobriety, I did feel a desperate need to be in a relationship. It was hard for me to be on my own. I didn't know how to occupy sober time. It was hard for me to even close the deal on little hook ups (you know what I mean here) with no alcohol so when I found someone to date, I was likely to cling to them because I thought I couldn't do better or that there were no other options. My sponsor and others told me that I was being willful and trying to force a relationship to be on a level where the other person couldn't go and my part was that I couldn't just accept that the other person was not the one for me and I needed to step off their path and let them do their thing. Is this woman good for your recovery and are you good for hers? Whenever I found the answer to those questions was "no" and I kept trying to pull that "I don't know why I go back" act, it was always always always because of my issues, my insecurities, and my fears. So....that IS on your side of the street and it is part of your recovery. You know we cannot live in fear and those fears that keep you locked in a destructive relationship do sound worse and more intense than the fears of losing her in your life. Probably you are changing and this relationship will run its course. I am only telling you how it worked for me in my sobriety thus far.
To have a stable relationship I had to have stable and firm boundaries and the ability to say "not for me" and then back it up by walking away and/or looking for what WAS "for me."
We get sober to have a great life and great relationships - not to settle.
have you accepted the plan outlined in the Book yet? That was my first primary work Before even thinking about dipping into Alanon. i had to see how my fear of being alone or not loved would set the ball rolling. i settled for situations that ended me up thinking I was a victim when really I had choices. AA covers all this.
You can keep doing this without getting a Big Book Steps sponsor if you want and doing your own work, but I hope you don't have to drink Over it. (Page 70, Big Book, Sex Conduct part of Step 4!!!!!!)
We all find ways to divert ourselves from doing the program the way it's laid out, that's all you're avoiding. Your disease is trying to keep you from finding God.
I hope you don't throw yourself away For some other person you mention the year 2012. That would be a pity.
get to work! Get to the meetings where everybody's doing the steps in the Big Book!
blessings for your journey.
Burses wrote:
I know I probably should take some time to lurk a while or read a few stickies so I apologize in advance for jumping the gun. I really need to get some of this out.
First of all, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting but I have considered it. I met someone in AA and we hit it off great. About a month and a half into things, she tells me one day she decided to drink again because she wanted to "detach" her sobriety from me. Soon after that a tremendous amount of drama developed from us going to meetings together. She started accusing me of being in love with a particular girl that attended some of the same meetings we did. She kept telling me she knew I was in love with, slept with, and was cheating with the other girl. She keeps doing it to this day and it's been about 5 months. My AGF keeps pushing it on me until I get so mad I lose it. Then she uses that against me, saying that's proof to her. Occasionally, she varies and says it's "somebody" I'm seeing behind her back. She accuses me of a lot of things.
We've broken up and gotten back together many times. We talk, she makes me feel guilty or tells me she knows I'm faithful and it's just an issue of her's. Why I keep going back, I can't figure out. I know every time what it's going to be like. But still I go back. Things get really good for a few days and then she flips out on me.
The bad part is all the stupid things I've done hoping things will get better. We stopped going to meetings, I haven't been in touch with my friends, and I quit my job because she offered me a job working for her with her business. And I knew how bad things are when I did all these things. I thought it might help or make her feel more secure or something. I should know better. Now I've been depending on her for about a month and it's so nerve wracking not knowing where the next fight will come from. I'm looking for a job but it's not easy to find one. I'm also trying to go back to college. She uses all of that as reasons why I will find someone else and cheat on her or leave her.
Every time we break up, she either calls me non-stop and/or shows up on my doorstep. She makes me feel guilty and I switch into "fix it" mode. I don't know how to make all of this stop.
I feel so detached from my HP but I haven't drank over any of this. I'm just at my wit's end.
Burses...welcome to the board and express some gratitude to yourself for looking for it and finding it at all. That's the recovery part in us...the not wanting to go back to the crises and chaos and end up drunk or dead. I'm a double like a few other guys on the board. First a member of Al-Anon and 9 years alcohol free and then a member of AA because the fact of my addiction caught me when I was cruising and woke me right up. Relapse!! what a hell of a way to end a good long sober journey. I'm glad you're here and not glad about how you got here. I use to marry the women I drank with...I know your story and you can end the story anytime you want and it will take courage...Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. Call it right away and find out where and when we get together in your area and then go as fast as you can. Don't make excuses. As a recoverying Alcoholic you already ave learned about excuses and you've already made too many. If you have an AA sponsor ask that sponsor to go with you and sit in without making any noise or taking up precious time by telling "his" story. Our drunk-a-louges are not what Al-Anon is about. We're there because we're affected by someone elses drinking. Do the same thing I was instructed to do when I first started in meetings. Sit down, shut up, listen listen listen and then practice practice practice what has helped others to get sane and serene in Al-Anon.
You're now experiencing the other side of "our" disease; the how our drinking affect the others in our lives...made my amends way more valueable than I first expected. You already heard the 3 cees . The "fix it" reactions you are having tell you about your kind, caring and compassionate characteristics however they also tell you about the irragtional and delusional side at the same time. Expect the disease to go after you mind, body, spirit and emotions 24/7 and you won't be surprised until you learn Al-Anon recovery. At you first meeting look for the literature table and see if you can find a pamphlet entitled "Alcoholism...A Merry-Go-Round called Denial". It might be free or less than a buck. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Alanon meetings will help you learn to clear your mind and enable you to make choices that are right for you. We who live with the disease of alcoholism have felt as you describe: not good enough, if we were nicer, better etc. We can all identify with the negative tools we use to try to control the uncontrollable.
After attending meetings you will find yourself, your assets and your HP who will not let you feel alone ever again.
I urge you to search out the face to face meetings and attend If not checkout our on line meetings here
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night. Click on the box above this message board that is labeled "chat entrance"
There is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 05:51:42 PM
I realize a lot of it has to do with my opinion of myself. I've said and done a lot of things in this relationship (and others) that I regret. This makes me feel like I'm not such a good guy and maybe I act like one to be a people pleaser. I think sometimes if I could be a little more considerate or understanding, things would be better. Then she does something that makes me angry and all I can think of is all the things she's doing to me. So I blame myself then her and around again.
It's hard because, in some ways, I don't think I can do better or that I'm good enough. Admittedly, all my other relationships were during my drinking days so I figure they had a valid reason for leaving. I also hate being alone. It's very depressing to think about even though I've been through many times where I was without a partner.
I just wish my head could get clear enough for me to think straight. It's like I'm having a very hard time making a choice because of this.
