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When I first moved out in August to get away from the craziness of my AH I went to my parents house. I was so homesick but I worked my way through it. I moved into my own apartment in January and was so excited to have my own little place in the world. Fast forward, 3-4 months later and I am so lonely. It is driving me crazy. I have plenty of friends and family around that care about me and I am grateful for all of them. What I miss is having a man in my life. I miss the closeness of a romantic relationship. I look around and realize that men my age all come with the baggage of ex-wives and children with those wives. It all seems complicated. Lately, I have even had a few times where I look back on my marriage and remember the good times and gloss over how bad it had gotten and entertain the thought of trying again. Thank God, so far it has just been a fleeting thought and sanity takes over. Let's put it this way though. If my AH was the type who could drink but still hold a job and would just go pass out quietly, I think I could learn to make my life around it but since he is unemployable and is a mean drunk who allows me no freedom whatsoever, I don't even have that option. I am starting to have the panic inducing thought that at 47 the rest of my life is going to be spent with just me, myself and I. I am even mad at God. I know it sounds so petty and I cringe by writing it because I know how much worse things could be but I don't feel like I deserve this. I lived my life the right way. Why is this happening to me? How do you who can relate to these feelings cope with the issue? I need help!
-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Sunday 28th of April 2013 10:31:52 AM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Men that age do all come with a past -- even your ex comes with a past (and so much baggage that you'd need a train to carry it). They don't all come with children, but some of them do, and sometimes that's bad and sometimes that's good. I know I have to be careful of the depressing generalizations that drive me back to a) hopelessness b) my ex. I remember that two things that lead to depression are the P's: thinking that things are Permanent ("I will never find anyone") and Pervasive ("They are all unavailable.") It's certainly true that single and available people aren't as thick on the ground the way they are when you're 22. But they're out there and many of them are hoping to meet someone. I've found them in the most unexpected places -- you never know when someone will come around the corner.
The friends with the fullest romantic lives have gone deliberately looking to meet men, either through online dating or through local organizations or through joining things they're interested in like a camera club. Two of them have gotten happily married that way. Those routes do take a lot of emotional balance and a sense of fun and energy. Not the sense that I have in my down moments, which is "I better meet someone soon and he better be the right one because I don't have a lot of energy for this." I think that leads to the kind of relationship I'm used to having (not good). But I suspect that in this, as in so many things, we get back what we give out, and a healthy openness and sense of abundance helps our serenity no matter what path we take. Easier said than done, often, of course!
I have been struggling with the same thing. Left my husband in November because I just could not deal with it anymore. I have been reading a lot on coping with the loneliness because its driving me crazy and I read up on a topic when I struggle with it. One of the suggestions I found was to get a massage. They suggest that we need physical touch from another person and that getting a massage can help to feed that need plus it helps us to relax. I have not tried it yet but am going to this week. Never know, it might work.
I am 53 this year, divorced twice, miss a few things about the 2nd one still, but I turn myself towards the things I DO have - I am free! No one is accusing me of sleeping or wanting to sleep with anyone that even looks my way; no one is yelling at me, no one bullies me or makes me do everything his way and only his way; I go where I want, when I want, eat what I want (and my waistline shows it); I get to burn the fun stuff, (instead of being allowed to do the work stuff so he can burn); I get to order pizza the way I want it (got so tired of it always being only one kind, sheesh!). I just don't let lonely in, I am so happy to be free to be me. I know, am sure of it in my heart, that I am not done loving yet - that somewhere there is someone who is going to get me and fit me and I want that relationship to be built on the REAL me, as is, no modifications needed or wanted.
Hollywood, Disney and Fairy Tales tell us we have to have a man in our lives to be complete - sure, I melt at romantic scenes but lonely will not run me into the arms of another man who is going to hurt me - been there, done that. If lonely threatens, I fight it back with memories of the bad times to strengthen my resolve.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I love all the responses that you received. I know when my husband passed away from cancer, after being in AA and sober for 6 years, I too was very angry with HP. I was 46 years old had a teenage son, had just started to rebuild my career and life had finally begun to look "Normal" . I had hopes and dreams Then hubby was gone.
I knew I could not get back into another relationship for a long time because I had to resolve all the baggage I had unveiled after his passing. I decided to devote myself to family and my career and all went well. I also found a boss who liked me and promoted me . I again felt safe in the world.. HP tolerated this dependence for a year or so and then this Boss who had been in the company for 30 years fired and again I was alone with no man to protect me. HP was making sure I learned how to turn to HIM and trust Him in all my affairs, I was angry but finally had to surrender and trust that HP would give me the power to live life on His terms . I finally surrendered, truly worked this program trusted that it was HP Myself and then who ever HP sent into my life and I would be fine.
Four years after my husband's death,at an alanon conference over 20 years ago I met the man I am still seeing As Jerry noted We love each other, we respect each other but we do not need each other What a true gift HP gave to me when he took all my men away and had me lean on HIM . How powerful and loving HP is
Trust the program You will be well
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 28th of April 2013 06:54:27 PM
I'm going to be 50...50! I'm not the young hard body I used to be...somedays I feel downright gross. I get scared that I'm not attractive enough to find someone...but that fear of being alone has made me CLING to guys too soon...which makes them react with panic...then I end up feeling not good enough when I'm rejected...vicious circle. I have to stop clinging and pleasing (e.g., if I just please, and please, and please..he will WANT me, right?)...I need to just be okay with whatever happens, and relax and not try so hard.
So...I'm not trying to find "the one" -- I'm just looking to have some fun...and working to let go of that fear...because it causes me to be "that girl" which kinda makes me want to ralph.
I also battle with issues of loneliness. At the tender age of 29!
Now that may not sound like a big number to you guys in your 50's, but it is to me especially when many of the people around you are finding or have already found their life partners, relationships, or even a little friend with benefits.
I grew up in an alcoholic home with unhealthy romantic relationships and my mother became mentally ill and estranged herself when I was 15. I am only coming to realize now with the help of the program that I have developed a sub conscience resentment for women and it has affected my prospects for a relationship.
I have developed a lot of bitterness toward women and people in relationships. A borderline sense of entitlement even. When a woman rejects me or doesn't show interest, I get disappointed and become sarcastic, bitter and upset. it comes off as desperate and unpleasant and is not a healthy way to live.
I have had relationships in the past but I put to much pressure on myself to get them to love me and on THEM ! :) to provide me with the love I never got in the second half of my childhood. I feel I need to start approaching dating as something fun and spontaneous and not something forced.
It is not a healthy way to live at all. I am seeking some outside professional help with this.
I'm not saying you should do that but with the help of the fellowship, I hope you find the serenity and life partner you deserve :)
I hope more of the MIP fellowship enter this discussion because it is sooooo important. This hits right in the middle of learning "self love" in the program which is something I knew nothing about and sounded like vanity from the lips of my deceased mother. It is not. This is a huge lesson which took much time sitting at the tables of my sponsorship and the elders of the program top "get and get right" after all it was one of the tap roots of why I was always (then) in toxic relationships. I had no idea of a personal definition of love when I got to Al-Anon. Then it was if I was aroused...mind, body, spirit and emotions...it was love...just had to be and I had to come to understand that "excited or sense aroused" wasn't and isn't love at all. The definition of love I hold on to today came from an elder Al-Anon member who spoke of loving her alcoholic husband at a meeting and then in the parking lot shared this defintion with me or I wouldn't let her go home (LOL). "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human beingfor exactly who they are". It contained no conditions at all and also contained myself. It didn't mention nerve ending events and it didn't demand anything in return from the start...Love is a character asset of the giver not the receiver and I was blown away because it has no boundaries and also because I was born within a culture that taught it all the time. It is called here...Aloha and I forgot that when I married my first wife...an addict. I got needy for love to be returned and in addiction that is not possible because her love was directed at what she was addicted to. My sponsorship taught me self love and told me that when I learned that I would never again be lonely or needy and they were right; the last lesson came with a major self affirmation which was taught to me thru a female friend who I was trying to fill the "hole" of my missing alcoholiic/addict second wife. Listen to this perception..."I love you...I like having you here...and I don't need you". That statement drove me from her home because it was so powerful and scarey and oppositional to my beliefs and then when I was racing 5 blocks from her home I stopped, pulled over and had to think about what I heard thru the filter of my program and my HP's assurance. I love you I like having you here and I don't need you. There is nothing in my life that is so empty that I need you to fill a need for. There is nothing in my life that I cannot or will not do for myself that depends upon you participating or approving...you can go have a life of your own also at the same time. I got it and when I got it I had already been building the two most important and necessary relationships I needed to have...needed to have...A relationship with my HP, my natural father, my creator and my constant companion and secondly myself. I am responsible "to" me and most often "for" me and I have the progrm of Al-Anon as a map. With those two relationships taken care of all other relationships are balanced...all others are free to have their own lives as they desire their own lives and don't need me to do that. I am married for the third time...this marriage has lasted longer than the first two before it. It is a real marriage and not an attempt to fulfill a fantasy. I married when I didn't need to and knew it. Neighter of us "had" to and we knew that we could share each others life while we lived out own. It has worked out in spades. Just for me. Thanks for letting me share that. (((hugs)))
Whoaaa der! Only men come with the left over baggage of the ex and kids? LOL I think not!
Trust me, everyone has their history. If we are 40's - 50's and don't have one, its simply because we have not lived, loved, lost and cried. We have not hoped and then hoped some more, and when that didn't work ... we tried hoping some more. Our hearts have never been broken, Our spirit never depressed. In short, we have never lived life in the adult swimming pool.
Having a history is not the problem, its people trying to use other people, attaching themselves to others, in order to try to move past it, before the emotional turmoil and trauma has had time to heal enough to make room for someone new in their lives. They are so still so stuck on him/her and their own little world of resentment, fear, anger, loss, guilt, ect, ect. that there isn't yet a vacancy available in the place that matters the most... the heart.
I have been with women who had more issues than LIFE or TIME magazine ever published! LMAO! For real though! Heck, I ended one relationship because there were too many people in it from the left over baggage and unresolved emotional issues attached to that history. Male or female, the emotional blank spot within cannot be filled as long as its occupied with the left over residue of a love relationship that came to an end.
I tried fixing me by attaching my emptiness to someone else. It didnt' work. I have had others try to attach themselves to me, to fix their emptiness, it didn't work. When we are looking for the "other half", or the "better half", we are not standing on our own merit as a whole and complete person entering into a healthy relationship with another human being. Instead halfs attract halfs, and when two halfs attach themselves together, it's like two tics without a dog... they suck the life out of eachother.
My sponsor had to tell me... "ya want a relationship, get past the last one first so you are taking a whole person into the new one. So, you are not cheating them out of the other half that is still suffering from the emotional turmoil and trauma of days gone by." "When will I know I'm ready, that I have truly moved on?" I asked, and he replied..."When you're attractive to a whole person, who is not seeking their other half."
Am I whole yet? I like to think so, but the proof will be in the pudding... let's see who is attracted to me... then we'll know. LOL
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I went five hours away from home to a seminar by myself. People came and joined me at dinner the first night, were very sweet and welcoming and helpful. By the end of the three days I knew everyone in the group, and counted a handful as friends. The next year, DDH went with me. He's much more closed than I am. I didn't go off on my own, I stayed by him, and at the end I only knew the people who had been there the year before.
Sometimes I have felt that being in a marriage with someone who is not "my best friend," to put it mildly, is so much more lonely than that of my single friends. And there is nothing concrete preventing my making a life of my own, even with him in residence.
Of the women I know well enough to know such things about, over 50% of them would qualify as "Secondary Virgins." This includes married ones.
The most fulfilled women I have known have been single women with no children, or none at home.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Okay here goes....I was close to 50 when ex.AH left to live with mistress. My friends urged me to 'get back on the horse'. My kids even told me to get out and go. I went twice with a friend to bars. UGH! What I seen was pretty much what I'd gotten away from/didn't want. I poured myself into work and my kids' and eventually my grandchildren. The way I look at it....if God intends it he will put me on that path somehow someway. I'm almost 59. I have gotten out a little more, but am still single. I am at peace with my life. Yeah at times there are things that I miss that I and exAH used to do togethor, but I don't dwell on them. I am happier now than I've been in a really long time. And whether you acknowledge it or not.....you were probably lonier in the relationship than you realize. I know I was. by the way.....you are a very pretty young woman. you shouldn't have a problem dating. lol
JerryF and John have added something that I try to remember. We women look around at our single friends and see a group of pretty balanced people (I hope!), usually looking to meet someone. And we hear the tales of meeting the crazy guys and we despair. But if you talk to the single guys you get a better sense of the real population of women out there. There's a group of them who are equally crazy. I've heard about women who wanted to move in after the first date (literally), women who bring a literal checklist of things to interview their date about and sit there making little notes, women who casually say things on the first date like "If I go to jail again, can I leave my dogs with you?" Not to say that none of us have challenging pasts or checklists in our minds. But if we're halfway balanced we know that you have to take things cautiously and disclose the right amount and not let the strength of our desires cloud what's happening with another person right in front of us. Anyway, my point is that when the halfway sane (hopefully) guys meet halfway sane (hopefully) women like us, they're just as delighted as we are. They're out there hoping. So it stands to reason that the best thing we can do is to make our lives sane and balanced and happy from day to day, because that's what puts us on the best keel to click with a balanced guy -- and also to have a great time whether or not that guy is in the picture at the moment.
Wow! So many responses and different ways of looking at a problem.Thanks for all of the input. A couple of things to clarify after reading. I was one of those people that truly enjoyed being married and having a family. I never felt loneliness in the relationship until the last few years when alcohol began to take up more of his time and attention and you're right that being lonely in a marriage is worse than being lonely and alone. I do enjoy many parts of being on my own especially since he had become very mean. It's forced me to face my fears and do things for myself and by myself. Not an easy thing. He was outgoing and although I can fake it very well, people always laugh it off like I'm kidding around when I say I'm shy, but it takes a lot of courage for me to approach people in many circumstances. Oh and of course the baggage goes for men and women. Lol!! Just realizing that at @45, more than one person comes rolled into that one person. Gosh, now I come with me and my mean, jealous alcoholic husband. I'm quite the catch. ;D
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Slogan_jim, I have a son who is 26 who feels so much like you right now. He really opened up when he knew that I was experiencing some of those feelings. It's got to be hard feeling like you are being left behind while everyone else is pairing up and moving on. I don't know what the future holds for you both but I feel sure that neither of you are going to be forever alone. It just feels that way sometimes.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Love all the shares here! Such a great reminder to trust and love and to fill that hole in our souls with our HP and his perfect love for us! Thanks everyone!
I soooo needed this thread tonight .. thanks for posting it WOMFI and thanks for all of the ESH!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is an amazing thread. My ex AF was drunk this time last year, it was my final straw. He left and went back East. I have been strong and only had moments of contact with him. He was living with another woman within 3 months of our break up. I have not made it a priority to date or even look. So, I have been single ever since and loneliness keeps creeping in. I did meet up with a high school crush when he was out here on the west coast for business. He lives on the East coast, we also met again in March in Las Vegas and he told me he loves me, and has every day since. It isn't good though... he has separated from his wife three times in the last few years, but keeps going back, because he "cant do that to the kids." Their youngest will be a senior in high school. His plan is to leave in another year and a half. He says he loves me and wishes we could go back in time. But, it is throwing me off! Am I getting attached because I stayed single to heal and then got lonely? Its a distraction, but I know for sure it is not right, because he obviously hasn't left completely. . There are no guarantees, and I believe his story, but is staying married for the kids when they are that old an excuse? Anyway, I have fallen way off track and everyone that comes along has baggage, including me. But, I do feel lonely, but this isn't any better. And I did join a dating site and waited for them to contact me. Some did contact me, but not one that I felt interest in. My brain is such a jumbled mess. I have a mutual FB friend with his wife, so I can see her profile picture. Yesterday a picture of the two of them was posted. I have felt sick all day. Maybe they aren't as distant as he led me to believe. Ugh! I think my disease is back in full swing. I haven't been to a f2f forever. I feel lost. Didnt mean to high jack your post. I just wanted to share here, because I was doing well and then stumbled like this.
I also hate that my exAF who left here drunk found a relationship and moved in with someone so fast while I sit here and make such dumb choices and am still alone while he has someone to sleep next to at night. I heard today he has been sober or 5 months. Goodie for him. ...and her.
Ugh.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I loved being married but felt it was necessary to end a 20 year marriage with my exAH 7 years ago. The first thing I remember feeling was relief, then sadness, followed by an aching loneliness. I also felt anxiety for the concerns you've mentioned.
It took a while (it seems to take me a while for everything) and a whole lot of effort to learn to be comfortable with myself, the transitions and the adjustments. I stumbled across a whole host of characters and I stumbled over my own feet, as well. A chaotic, drama-filled period of time as it felt right to try and force things to happen that would bring me to that "coupled feeling".
A huge thanks to my HP, MIP, and this program which really does work- I now am having a much easier time recognizing and respecting people as they are in the present. The more I can practice being true to myself, the easier it is for me to allow people to reveal and accept who they are over time. (There are times when acceptance is more challenging than other times; my learning curve feels enormous.) The great thing about being middle age is that I am in no rush; I want to enjoy myself and observe how relationships unfold. Also, I am much more comfortable with and have come to cherish my alone time.
I'd like to think that there is more than one great potential partner out there for each of us- I date when it's fun and take breaks from dating when needed, do my best to stay within the comforting boundaries of ODAT. The quality and character of men I attract and date improve the more I work the program.
-- Edited by bud on Monday 29th of April 2013 12:41:12 PM
.... I was one of those people that truly enjoyed being married and having a family.... Lol!! Just realizing that at @45, more than one person comes rolled into that one person. Gosh, now I come with me and my mean, jealous alcoholic husband. I'm quite the catch. ;D
I fell in love in 2003, was engaged in 2004, to be married in 2005. And.... she had an affair while we were enaged... I ended the relationship and thus the engagement. It hurt, I hurt. A few months later we were back together... re-engaged to be married in 2007. On 7/7/07 (should have been a clue in those three 7's) we took vows... and in 2010, I discovered she was having another affair. I was crushed. But I ended the marriage. After a year of separation as required by North Carolina, we were divorced.
Tore up from the floor up, needing a check up from the neck up; Completely consumed by the pain, and anger I decided that the only way to get over the last one was to hurry up and find the next one... and so ... within only a few months I did. Within a few weeks we took the U-haul love path; (you get a u-haul and move in with me and we'll be happy ever after") What a huge mistake! We were two halfs, trying to equal a whole.
I was using her to validate me, as a source of "other" esteem (external source) because I had no "self" esteem; from within. I was the wounded warrior, the abandoned child, the unworthy whine-baggin'-titty-baby, ... a man with a serverly broken heart, which in turn pushed his mind to the very outter limits of sanity...with thoughts of suicide and homocide as constant daily companions. She had found "quite the catch"! Almighty ME!! LMAO
She on other hand, had said she had been "in the program (AA) for 21 years". A year longer than me at the time. What she failed to mention was that she was a chronic relapser who had never put together a solid year of sobriety in those 21 years. For the next 6 months, I could have been the poster boy for an untreated Al-Anon. But hey, it gave me something to focus on besides my own brokenness, my emotional blank spot, and spiritual sickness. I was on a mission, was most definetely needed, felt pretty wanted and with my 20 plus years of sobriety I absolutely knew how to fix her! LOL Wrong!! After a 6 day drunk, she was hopitalized for 11 days, and spent the first 9 of them in a alcohol/drug induced comatose state. I resigned from my job as her Mr. Fitit and was back to being just my own broken self again.
I asked my sponsor.."how could I have not known, at least gotten a clue about how sick she was in the very beginning?" He replied, "you did... you can tell a woman is real sick if she is remotely attracted to your sick, broken ass!" LOL
It's been 3 years now since my marriage came to an aburpt end. Everyone is still alive, including me. And I wouldn't want it any other way today. And as I have said in another post... I am a domesticated kinda guy. I enjoy having someone to sleep with, wake up with, come home to, generally share life with on a daily basis, do things together, go places together, someone to hold hands with as we walk across a parking lot, or to cuddle with as we watch a movie from the couch...
But I don't miss one thing about the pain, the heart break, the disappointments, the drama....
Enough was finally enough. So, I've spent the last two years going to bed with my 3 little dogs (two pure white Maltess and a jet black mini Poodle), waking up with them, coming home to their "we're so happy you're home greeting every day, walking with them, playing with them, giving them their little milk bone treats for no good reason at all, and laying on the couch together.. all packed in, watching a movie on TV.
My eyes are roaming around... checking out the ladies around me again.. but hey, I ask myself.."do I really want to inflict another human being with ME again, right now?" And I frown a little bit and think to myself.."not today". Stop seeking and relax... keep it simple... Let yourself be found. The odds will likely be much greater then... my people picker is broke!"
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
About comparing your happiness to what other's happiness APPEARS to be - DON'T! Appearances are like Jerry's FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real - Pictures of my ex and I show two people smiling, sharing; times out with him where we laughed, hugged, played, teased, were the perfectly happy couple, did not show the moment after exiting stage right change-up to thriller diller night - within the four blocks it took for us to get home Dr. Jekyl would become Mr. Hyde and exit the car slamming the door after screaming me back into "my place", slam himself into the house and be in bed before I could even shake my head and go HUH? I know a lot of people who seem happy on the surface but when you hang back and observe their behavior you see the little things that mean things aren't as they appear.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
So glad I decided to share this topic yesterday. Obviously, it struck a chord. I have gotten a lot of insight and even a lot of laughs. Katfish, I just had to say that you are experiencing what a lot of us worry about - getting the nerve to leave and watching them move on and get it together. Believe me, I do still llove my husband (or who he used to be) and I have run that scenario around in my head more than once. If it helps any, the few months of sobriety that I spent with my husband were still unpleasant so I expect that is also the case with your AF. Just removing the alcohol doesn't take away all of the crappy personality disorders that they seem to develop during their deep relationship with the bottle.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
If it helps any, the few months of sobriety that I spent with my husband were still unpleasant so I expect that is also the case with your AF. Just removing the alcohol doesn't take away all of the crappy personality disorders that they seem to develop during their deep relationship with the bottle.
That is so true! His A personality was always in full swing, even while he was 2 years sober while we were together. He was also going to meetings and working his program, but those personality traits were there during any time of disagreement or other normal stresses of life.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I think not! 