just talking to my exSIL on FB...and letting her know, in a gentle way, that her brother (my exA) is in the wrong...

of course her reaction is that "you are both bitter and angry..." 

Why does her saying that make me want to scream? He hasn't worked in 3 years, is angry and abusive, does NOTHING for his family...yet they defend him. I feel so betrayed that they don't see (can't see?) the damage he has done, and the tremendous effort it has taken me to keep their nephews safe, clothed and fed.

Hear the theme? Why do I care what they think of me? Why is it important to me that they know that I am the one in the "right?" Why do I go there? Why do I need them to agree with me? I know the truth, why isn't that enough? Why do I want them to STOP supporting him? 

Why do I care that his family supports him, and not me? 

No, really...I know better intellectually, I can recite the slogans...but why do I keep going there?

any insight is appreciated...

RP

One of my closest friends was my sister in law. I loved her very much and really enjoyed spending time with her. Last time I spoke to her was 2 weeks before Christmas when she said that we would do lunch after Christmas was over and she was back from visiting her son and daughter in law for the holidays. She now won't respond to emails, phone calls or text messages. I want to desperately regain my friend. To ask her what he said to make her change, to find out what lies he has now convinced her are true, or how has he finally pulled this strong woman that was supporting me and understanding to his side of sick thinking. I am hurt that I lost her as well. I have no doubt that he has talked to his mother about me and she in turn has gone to my ex sister in law and twisted the story even more so that I look even worse.

I stopped trying to reach out to her because she is his family, not mine. While I love her greatly and respect her, because of that, I am choosing to not put her in the middle of the discomfort that she must be feeling. I did not want to lose her friendship and was so hurt at first at losing her. Then my mother reminded me that it must be just as hard for her as it is for me. My sister in law is a very Christian kind loving woman who typically sees through my ex's drinking and manipulation. I was shocked when she cut off the relationship with no explanation and I did not understand what had happened. When my mother talked about how it must be uncomfortable what my ex mother in law was putting my sister in law through with all the gossiping she loves to do and the hateful things she was probably saying, it made sense. (MIL is also an A) It was better for me to step away from his family in all ways, they were no longer my family. Granted, we don't have kids, so that makes it easy. But, it also kept my sister in law from being put in the middle between us and having her loyalty tested. After talking to my mother about my relationship with my sister in law I realized that I had been putting her in a place that was not fair to her. During our conversations I would make comments about the mistakes that my ex husband would make, about his drinking problems and why I needed to leave him. I talked too much about our failing marriage and how he was hurting me. Now, I will say that this was December and that I left him in November so it was during a very bad time for me. I think that if she and I were to sit and have lunch now, we would have a very different conversation. But, it would be too uncomfortable. I don't want to ask about him and I know that I would, so its better to not.

I guess where I am getting at is this. When looking back now, if I could take back that time frame, I would take back those kinds of comments I made to my sister in law. I love her a great deal and I was married to her brother. When I complained about my husband, I was talking about her brother. I should not have hurt my friend like that. I should not have put her in the middle that way. He is her family and she will always love him. I am glad that he will always have her in his corner. He is lucky to have such a friend.

worn out...it does help to know I'm not alone...these are 2 women (his sisters) who I loved very much...one always supported me...the older one, the one he lives with now, always thought I blew things out of proportion...but then, she too is an alcoholic, and the way she copes is by minimizing everything... I just wished the kids and I mattered more to them than their drunk, irresponsible brother...but you know what they say about blood being thicker....than reason?

 

Dear Reprof

I agree and do understand the anger that you feel.  In a like circumstance I merely validated myself   and my position by saying:  you are right I am bitter,  I have worked day and night to cloth, feed and care for this family while he abused me verbally and has not worked a day in the last 3 years.  I am working on forgiveness but am not ther yet.  It worked

In my thoughts

 

I guess I was a little luckier than others. My exAH's sisters (3) spoke and two of them after HE left our marriage to move in with his mistress. Their mother had passed and there were on going fights over farm ground. They had had a meeting to settle things. This was the point that #3 quit speaking as I had called her to find out if he had paid back money owed to the estate. (At that point we were not divorced so that meant they could come after me for this money.) I found out that he did pay the money AND alot more. He was spreading rumors that I was planning a take over of this farm ground. Was told NEVER to call/contact her again. This hurt deeply as she was the only sober one besides their mom and we had a good relationship. I abided by this. Had a round or two with one of the others, however, over the years I was always asked to come to Christmas, Easter ect at her home. (She is single.) the other was wrapped up in her own personal affairs, but always spoke. At my ex.AH's funeral the #3 came to me and asked me to sit with the family. I refused sighting I didn't want to be in the main room with mistress and watch her fiasco of so-called love. (She got him talked in to spending money on a tavern.....of all investments!!! And made damned sure she had EVERYTHING put in her name only. She tells everyone it was to protect him from me. Yeah right!) I remained in the ajoining room. Funny how I began to notice the line moved rather quickly in the main room but people began to stall in the next to pay condolences to me. It was a bit overwelming considering we had not been togethor for 10+yrs!!! Even some of his closest drinking allies stopped and spoke! I left wonder WTH had went on. I have reasons to believe he still loved me as much as the day he was married. His one sister even went as far as to tell me this one time. When asked if he'd said this outright....she said no only could sense it by the way he spoke of me.
Alcohol brings out the worst in people. This woman is his sister! Blood thicker than water, however, she may very well be trying to get him help. Let them be would be my suggestion. things have a way of working themselves out. Take care of your family. Let go and let God. He (God) may not produce the miracles that you may want, however, I am a true believer in the fact that He will guide you and help you find your own path and have better things in store for you down the road.
It's a tough path to trod sometimes, however, if you keep going you'll find peace/happiness.
Prayers and hugs!!!

 

 

I would just love to hear your answer after your inventory of that question...that would be soooo helpful.   Do you have the tools to find the answers...the literature and the sponsor and the group?   The answer will be a huge wake up and miracle for you.    Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) 

 

One smidgen of awareness?...alcoholism isn't a moral issue; it's a disease...another? could she be right?  ...and yet another? Ego and Pride.   Inventory it...Step 4 with your sponsor.

I had a thought about this which is different from what others have said (though I think what they have said is very wise). 

I know that every time I get hooked into thinking about something and have a lot of trouble letting go of it, there's usually a certain dynamic at work.  When I was growing up, my parents didn't know how to parent.  When they weren't ignoring me (which they usually did), they were defining me as "wrong."  I was too emotional, I did things for no reason, I kept talking about stuff that wasn't to be talked about, I was X, Y, and Z.  And a good deal of my life has been trying to make them see that I wasn't "wrong" by nature and 100% of the time.  But they never were going to see it.  They had spent their whole lives coping by defining what they didn't like as "wrong" and seeing my point of view would have meant taking apart their whole worldview.  But it's very hard to let go of it.  They are both gone now and still I argue in my head.  "See?  I'm not a total screw-up!  I do things right sometimes too!  See!" 

And I've come to see that I've had the same pattern with men.  It's been a huge struggle to get my partners to see that I'm not 100% to blame, that my point of view is worth considering.  Now, why don't I pick men who are more open and reasonable?  An excellent question I finally asked myself!  I think the answer must be that, unless I'm very careful, I'm still on a quest to make someone see that I'm not "wrong."  I want to find someone who thinks I'm wrong and then prove that I'm not.  To start with someone who doesn't see me as intrinsically "wrong" wouldn't push the same buttons.  So I start with people who think I'm "wrong."

And I've come to see that I sometimes do the same thing with friends.  Say I have one cranky friend who says "Drinking coffee is just abusing your system and I don't see why all those idiots would do it."  I could think, "Well, I have umpteen friends who are normal and one friend who's a crank about coffee, I'm just not heading to a coffee shop with that one."  But instead my mind starts worrying over it and having imaginary conversations with her in which I explain things and she sees the light, and she apologizes for her cranky grouchiness and I feel better.  But of course those conversations never happen in real life, so I can obsess about it forever.

I know you were close to your SIL.  But of all the dozens of people you know, the one who's most likely to be biased about your ex is your SIL, because we always have a hard time having a neutral view of family members.  Undoubtedly she remembers him as a sweet little boy afraid of the dark, and that's going to play into her inclination to see him as someone who gets the benefit of the doubt.  And undoubtedly it's very painful for her to think that he's screwed up so badly.  So she'll have trouble condemning him.  That's what anyone would expect.  The question seems to me why it's so painful when she does that.  I wonder if it's not part of that syndrome I described -- the need to convince "them" that you are right.  We usually have that to the A himself, but often it can transfer to those around them.  And it's so hard to eradicate!  But my point is that the strength of it might not just be you "going to the hardware store for bread" -- it might come from a history of being unvalidated.  Those situations pack the most punch, when the past and the present are operating with the same dynamic.

Just a thought -- take what you like and leave the rest.

 

 

Sis one of the many things I had to and then learned in Al-Anon was to not judge....hmmmm gracious that was like throwing a very important tool away for me and then the lesson was incomplete...it was a two parter...judging the person and judging the behaviour became loving the person and not the behavior...loving the alcoholic as a person and having compassion for the disease they had and which controlled them.  I was once told by an Al-Anon member that if my alcoholic/addict knew better she would do better and I wanted to retch because all that time I was seeing her as normal...like everyone else and she wasn't she was very impaired in many areas.  Her behavior sucked and she was a woman, a child of God a person who was loving and it just came out soooo screwed up.  There where times when she was not under the influence of drugs and alcohol and trying so damned hard to come out from under their influences and then she would relapse and like every other time with every other victim user, drinker or enabler life got worse beyond imagination.  And still with the help of the program I got to see her as that child of God that I could not save and who was dying without rescue.   Judging her didn't make her or me or us better and so I just resorted fulltime to compassion and empathy and detachment and unconditional love.  I came to underestand how God loves; ...her - me - us and I decided to surrender to that way also.   It worked and her behavior still sucked and it didn't throw me off in fact I came to expect the bad behavior and when I didn't get it I laughed in surprise.  When it came and I did expect it I didn't get thrown off and moved forward on my way.   EGO for me defined by my sponsor and the early fellowship was Easing God Out and that became fact when I inventoried my life on a dail basis.  It still is fact 34+ years later...It's fact!!  and my early sponsor and elder DonT taught me to do the opposites. Turn the word EGO around and see what you get...OGE and try this acronym for it...Offering God Entry.   That still works!!  Hugely.  When I can and do that my life and everything around it gets calm and I can hear gentle whispers instead of shouts and yelling and screams and noises.   Just some ESH   I had to first be willing to  try it and then the permission to do it.  It worked...still does.  Wishing you peace of mind and serenity.   ((((hugs)))) 

I too, am grateful for MIP...a place to explore the hard questions...what is great about the board...is if some issue comes up...and Im hainv difficulty getting my head around something someone has said...I can come back to it, and re-read it...as many times as I want. In f2f meetings, unless I write it down right away, I may lose the thought...and the opportunity for growth.

Jerry -- I'm just not there yet...it's hard to separate the person from the behavior...because I am still hurting...and healing...its not until nearly 2 1/2 years apart that I realize the profound impact alcohol and abuse has had in my life...and I will not feel guilty for being angry and hurt. 

I won't, however, spend 24/7 in that headspace, and I am detaching...and using alanon tools...I don't know if I will ever have compassion for my abuser, because as I said, at this point, that would be okaying what he has done...and I cannot accept it..and don't know if I ever will...

RP