The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcoming ESH: I am all ears, here is the latest on my end:
early this week AH declares 'Good News! Ready for AA' after a night on the town where he ends up sleeping in car; my reaction is anger, but I do my best to give polite but distanced support ('that sounds very positive for you, I hope you get some good support etc'). He goes to a mtg Mon am, tells me he is really feeling the sun shine in his life again; again I say this all sounds very positive but I am not doing my typical immersion into whatever his plan is. After two nights of him getting right home, no drinking, but again I am pretty distant, reserved; he says he has no idea why he is coming straight home, and gives fari warning that that night he will not--well he is definitely able to follow through with that one (Wed night, home 3:30am, Thurs 3am, last night..get a text at 4am that he is staying at our friend's place).
Throughout this week (before drinking got re-ignited), he is saying he does not want to leave, wants to work things out, does not want to look at apts.--I have been saying, no you definitely should look at apts! Anyway...my gut tells me if he truly was ready for sobriety he would be pursuing it regardless of what he is or is not getting from me. There's that awful little part of me though that still feels the guilt--should I have been more enthusiastic about AA pledge? Would it really have made a difference? I just feel like burnt toast at this point though....even after all these years of longing to hear him say he was ready for a program, when he said it I felt exhausted! At this point I am not budging on the June 1 moveout, and feel that should be in place even if he starts going to meetings daily. If he decided to get serious about getting sober I honestly don't know if I have it in me to go through that with him..!!!
I'm from big Italian family--oldest brother says 'change the locks', oldest sister says, 'you have given so many chances...time is going by' . As awful as this is (21 yrs married, 3 kids), I think 'nothing changes when nothing changes.
I feel your frustration and struggle. My story is much the same. AH and I have been married 21 years too. AH is now home 2 weeks from his second detox, says he wants to get sober, has been going to AA meetings nearly everyday, has a counselor and a psychiatrist, and as of yesterday, he has connected with a case manager / counselor from our insurance company, says he is "this close" to getting a sponsor. So on the surface it appears he is doing all the right things. Except, through all of this, he is still drinking. Just a nip or 2 or 3 a day, not nearly as bad as what he was doing before, but still, he hasn't stopped. He has maxed out 4 credit cards in the last year too, and I just discovered on Monday that he has another card in his possession. After I confronted him about it, he spent the night sleeping in his car. Said he wasn't drinking, just knew I didn't want him around. So manipulative, and such a liar. He is so good at that.
So, now I'm feeling stuck. Do I keep supporting his "efforts" at sobriety, when I see that he isn't really committed to it? I think he is doing all these things just to appease me, to keep me off his back, so he can continue to live the comfortable life he has with me. I wonder, if I was just brave enough to tell him to leave, that I am DONE with the lies and the deception, would that finally be the rock bottom that motivates him to really get well? Then I realize, that once again, I am trying to control the situation. Sigh. It is exhausting.
I know in my heart, the answer is to take care of myself and to stop hoping and praying for him to get sober. Maybe if he and I separate, he will, or maybe he won't. But if get myself healthy, away from his insanity, then my life can be better.
I admire your courage.
PS - I have to tell you, I'm a Red Sox fan! Hope we can still be friends :)
Yanks, I don't have any real ESH in terms of what YOU are doing. As rough as it sounds, I can't imagine doing it any better than you are.
For him...Yes - if he wanted sobriety bad enough he would do it regardless of how you acted or what you said. In fact, him hearing that he needs to have his own place is also reason to sober up. I sobered up when I started living on my own cuz I knew I would fall hard and flat on my face at that point if I did not grow up. If he is going to relapse/continue drinking, it will be for all the reasons under the sun - "You didn't support me!" "You hounded me too much about AA!" "You didn't make me get a sponsor" "You kept bothering me about getting a sponsor!" "You got rid of the alcohol in the house and that made me feel weird and want it more!" "You didn't get rid of the alcohol in the house so I drank".... All these are just hypotheticals but examples of how you are truly damned if you do and damned if you don't if you think you have any control at all over his drinking and/or recovery. Don't second guess yourself cuz they bank on that and as you see, NOTHING you do will stop him if he wants to drink and EVERYTHING will be used as an excuse to drink if he is going to.
Yanksfan-Sometimes it's just too little too late. How many chances are we supposed to give? How long do we wait? How do we know our A might really do it this time or just keep us running in the same circle? You sound strong and I am rooting for you. Lyne
I finally came to the point where I had to invoke the Mute button. I looked at his actions rather than listening to what he said. I imagined us a silent movie. How would I want the plot to evolve?
It's a BIG decision, you're right. This decision is for you and your children. The rest of us (and the rest of your family) don't have a vote.
Thank you all for your support, needing it more than ever. It does come down to really taking care of ourselves, what do we need in our lives? What do we need out of our lives? For me, I know I can't continue being the person who, when there is a late night out, gets crazy and starts looking through wallets, and music cases (found coke and straws in those before!) examining credit card bills, etc
Now it isn;t even about WHETHER he is doing the things I would worry about--it's about the fact that I have become this person who is hypervigilant.
ParisMemories--we all know the As we love are expert manipulators; mine is challenging me to think hard about the kids, what will we possibly say, etc etc and the idea that HE does not want this, it's al coming from me....sigh! (PS I will overlook your RedSox fandom in the spirit of alanon solidarity)
pinkchip--as always I appreciate your objective honesty; it's very difficult to see when you are in it, as you know, but youa re right that there is every reason under the sun that my H is a problem drinker, except alcoholism!
lyne--nice to hear from you again; I hope you are doing well, thank you for support too
jill--you are so right that no one else gets a vote in this thing; I have to look hard at what is actually happening...I love the idea of looking at the life as if it were a silent movie! great suggestion
I will definitely keep coming back; looking at one month of May to get through
I had 3 children, 12yrs of drinking h and 6 with dry drunk h. I left about 4 yrs ago. I think if you continue meetings, readings, steps you will either live fully regardless of his drinking or you will be ready to end it. It seems as if change is in the cards for you but maybe try focusing less on him. He will do whatever he chooses regardless of your deadline. I learned that you can't make someone get recovery, you are powerless. Get into your own recovery 100 percent and your mind will be clear to see your choices.x
