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The exA was supposed to pick up both kids today...when i arrived home from work, he was walking out the door with only the younger one...saying that the teenager was being difficult so he could just stay home. The exA was ticked off.
when I walked in the house, I could see the hurt in the 16yo's eyes. Every time he tests his Dad, his Dad flunks. Dad (the A) only tolerates his older son when the teen is behaviing in a way that suits the A. THe more Dad does this, the more the kid is passive aggressive.
The momma lion in me, seeing the hurt in my kid's eyes, wants to ROAR. Instead, I just said to my kid, that this is a bad time of day for Dad, because he wants to drink, and that this has always been a short fuse time of day for him, for as long as I can remember. I hugged him, and told him to try not to take it personally.
Now I want to post something nasty on FB, or call the exA up and set him straight, or call his sister and tell him how much he is hurting his kids...but they all just blindly support his hurtful ways...and I'm po'ed at their tolerance of his idiocy.
It's hard to support my son without trashing his Dad, but I think it is also important to let him know that his Dad is the one out of line here. Very fine line there. Any ESH you all have would be appreciated. I'm feeling very MOMMA LIONISH right now.
My 18 year old daughter hasn't seen her dad in a few months now, his love is conditional, all his way, moody and bullying and she finally had enough. She won't see him until he shows signs that things will change. His mother tries to intervene on his behalf, calling her issues "trivial" and her "emotionally disturbed" because he's her son and she doesn't see him the way he is. We talk about things A LOT, so many of the things she talks about are reasons why I had to walk away from that marriage - was 24 years into it. Getting nasty doesn't do anything to the one person you want it to do, nothing will change him except for self-driven want to change. I sure do get where you are coming from.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
My exAH was in town last week and if I hadn't taken them over to his hotel and got in the pool with my 4 year old he would not have done a thing with our girls, he walked back and forth from his room to have a drink to the pool to see his daughters and I swimming, I do not and will not take it personally that he is not capable right now and my 4 year old was so happy to show him her tricks in the water, my 15 year old no longer tries of course. I accept it for what it is and make the best of it so that they are safe and can see him when it works every couple months at this point. For the Summer I will give him more time as long as he can abide by my 15 year olds and my boundaries. Not much you can do except what you did and explain they are who they are to your kids and I am sorry it effects your children. I can relate just so dettached from all the let down for the most part even with my kids at this point. I know why I am divorced from him and it is just easier to know that I can do nothing to change anything about him ever. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am sorry you and your son have to face this. It sounds like you are a loving and supportive mom to your kids they are luky to have a parent so caring and in their corner. Your son sounds old enough to start seeing things for how they are. Maybe encourage him to try alanon for teens I know they have a couple of groups around here, is there something like that where you are that might give him a chance to learn on his own with his peers?
For me, my sponsor used to remind me - over and over again until it FINALLY sunk in - that I am only responsible for MY relationship with my kids, and am NOT responsible for my A's relationships with my kids.... This was no easy task for me, and I would humbly suggest, from your post, that it is something you are struggling with as well.... I learned to tell my kids, over and over and over again - "you are loved, and you are safe", and that was all that I really, truly knew... You don't need to make excuses to your 16-year old, nor explain to him why his A-dad is behaving the way he behaves.... You are ultimately only accountable and responsible for YOUR relationship with your children.... And your #1 job as a parent, is to reassure them that they truly are "loved and safe"...
Hope that helps.... it took me a long while, but my sponsor was bang on....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Oh, what a difficult time for you and for your son. I have a 17 year old daughter, and I too struggle with the line between not trashing her dad and keeping my relationship honest with her. I also want to make sure she understands that neither she nor I is responsible for secrecy around her dad's drinking. But it's a tricky place so I understand how hard it is. It sounds like you handled it honestly and respectfully. Good for you.
