Letting go of anger - Al-Anon Family Group

forestfairy · Veteran Member

Letting go of anger

1976love · Senior Member

letting go of anger is the hardest thing for me to do. The part where you wrote about having dinner with your son warmed my heart. You are so right that there is no way you can talk to a sick mind. That will drive anyone crazy. You have a whole lot on your plate and you are deserving to be angry. Don't hold on to it though...My mother used to tell me act as if, it's extremely hard. If you know what your up against and it is a fruitless effort because nothing you can say or do will "fix" the A...don't give it that much of your time. You know the outcome. Try to focus on your child...make as many happy memories you can! Say the serenity prayer over and over and over. Much love to you, and sending prayers of comfort your way!!!

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Just throwing a safe hug and prayer your way... ((((forestfairy))))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Forest Fairy,

This is a hard one for me as well. I stuffed the anger for years, in fact I am known as someone who 'does not do anger'. So now it is all coming to the surface I find myself bobbing around on the top of a full force hydrant of feelings!

Anyway, my take on it is - I talk to my AH with dignity for my sake. When I look back on my day I feel better about myself when I've behaved as if I am someone that I like. It is a little frustrating when this makes me feel like a Stepford Wife, so I do try to be honest about how I feel, but keep it short and calm.

As far as the thoughts in my head are concerned - sometimes I simply have to tell them to stop, they are wasting so much of my time. Sometimes, and I'm out of practise on this, I can look at those thoughts and take a step back. How do I feel about them? This normally really helps because some sort of magic happens that those unhelpful thoughts slink away.

I love the last paragraph of your post - such a change in tone and feeling. There is so much calm and beauty in your line 'I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and ate it with my son. I told my child I was working hard at not being grumpy today and maybe we can go for sushi tomorrow because it will cheer me up. He smiled. He likes sushi too.' If it were in a movie, that would be a role the credits moment because we all know its going to be ok. Enjoy the good and step round the pot holes - the road is clear ahead. Have a good day.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi forestfairy

I remember that anger. Remember to do just as you are doing. One Day at a Time, usingprogram, meetings, sharing here, this will lift and you will be in a space of serenity, courage and filled with new wisdom. The gifts of the serenity prayer do come true

This too shall pass

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Forestfairy,

I am not sure where you live and what the abundance of therapists is but: You might want to shop around for one that has experience with alanon/AA and addictions. I'm not sure how much you divulged of your husbands addiction issues, but the suggestions you got are ones (yeah, I am a therapist) are ones I would give for marital therapy where relationship discord is the only issue. Also, knowing it got bad enough for you to have to go to a shelter - I would not be talking about communication skills but rather the trauma that you probably have endured for years and stuffed down in terms of the weight and damage it's caused you. So - just like when you are searching for any service, searching for a therapist requires some shopping around and asking the right questions.

My therapist has decades of experience in alanon. She has been awesome and someone without that knowledge and experience would not have been as insightful or helpful.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I'm with pink .. getting a therapist with addiction experience is huge at least I think so because they really get it instead of trying to convience people that this is a regular relationship because it's not. LOL .. I still get REALLY angry with my therapist from time to time because .. she's right however she calls me out on things I don't want to deal with or talk about. She's the one who sent me packing to alanon meetings. I didn't need them, I could do it on my own .. LOL .. NOOOO .. I can't.

Ahhh .. the anger .. all I can tell you is for me I used it as a barrier of protection against having to feel anything else. And YES .. it IS unfair that while he leads this life of leisure you are dealing with real world stuff .. trust me .. it ends at some point and the stark reality of their stuff is just that .. their stuff. You have every right to feel angry and frustrated when you are the one holding it all together. It's hard to be the responsible party and not go down the road of WHY do I have to do all this stuff. Someone shared here that when I started looking at it as doing it for me instead of him getting out of it .. it made a big difference in my own life.

What I have learned is the anger does more harm to me than good and I do believe when you are ready to let go of it .. you will let go. My experience in the anger leaving and that's the only way I can explain it .. was seeing the STBAX doing the same thing getting the same results and as he looked at me with his battered face and broken arm thinking .. he's just as powerless as I am over this disease. It's the first time that I got (I mean REALLY got that he's so sick and I don't have to be in there with him and that's where my anger was keeping me) that he is also a child of God. Now that being said .. LOL .. I still get frustrated and I still have feelings of SERIOUSLY?! WTH was he thinking?! I can let it go easier now and it's become a process not a lifestyle. The anger I'm referring to.

Keep coming back, you are right where you need to be to keep moving forward. Hugs P :)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree 100% with pinkchip..I learned through the years, that, a therapist with expertise in addictions is a must. I remember the anger (for me it was RAGE) you speak of and then the shame I felt for being angry; then the judgement marched in for not being able to "control" it. I felt I "should" be able to control it better. I believe it was during those times it leeched out onto others, which added to my guilt/shame. Somewhere in this process of recovery, I have learned to befriend anger (and at times, it is rage, but not as often), use the al anon tools to work with it and see its wisdom for me and not let it leech out onto others. You have experienced trauma for many years...now the anger is safe to come out of hiding. Speak it during your meetings, find a sponsor if you dont' have one and let your anger have its say. It was evident in your post that the anger had a bit of its say and you were able to post an experience that was warm and loving. You are doing great

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm just starting this new journey of mine so I understand your anger. I feel for you because your young and have a child to deal with also. You are strong what you have done so far and I admire you for that.

I have a counselor that has 12 step experience so it's nice when we discuss things. She has helped me a lot with my son. Now regarding my relationship is a problem I will be working though.

Take care of you and your precious little boy...

Your in my thoughts ((( Hugs )))

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received great ESH already I second finding a therapist with addiction experience and as man al-anon meetings as you can find. Sending you love and support!

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