The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm realizing, now that my focus and attention (obsession) is slowly moving away from my AH and all his crazy behavior, I can spend my time focusing on me and all of MY issues. This sounds simple and obvious, but it was really a revelation for me today. I spent my whole lunch hour today thinking about ME, not about HIM.
In the past, my every thought and most of my energy was consumed with worrying about how I can "fix" him, but I know in my heart that I cannot do that. He is the only one who can. So that means I have time to think about how I can "fix" myself. Wow, that is one hard thing to consider.
As I pondered this, I realized that I need to decide where I want my life to go, what I want my life to look like, how I want to feel in my life....lots of decisions. At work, when I need to make big decisions, I try to rationally consider the pros and the cons in an objective way. In my personal life, I don't think I've honestly ever considered any big decisions, I just let things happen and went along for the ride.
So when I think about my future, the big, looming question is, do I want to stay with this man or is it time to leave? To make sense of that HUGE decision, I started a list of all the positives and the negatives. Not surprisingly the negatives far outweigh the positives right now. Then I ticked off all the negatives that were a direct result of his addiction, and saw in black and white the enormity of this beastly disease. A whole list of bad things. A list so long that it is taking my breath away. None of this is really surprising or new information, but seeing it all laid out in front me is powerful.
I folded up the list and put it in my purse. I'm not sure what my next step is, other than to sit with this, continue carefully working out my list, and give this problem the full and dedicated attention it needs. Sure, some of it depends on his willingness and ability to change, but actually much more depends on what I am willing and able to accept as my future.
I did the same thing when I separated from from my AH, except that I used a online journal so that I could track my progress. It was very helpful. It's been two years now and it's amazing to see the progress I have made and to follow my journey. I also copy and paste posts from this board that resonate with me so that I can refer and reflect on them as needed. Way to work your program!
YES! this happened to me too! I realized that I didn't know how to FLY (first love yourself)! I needed to love myself again. I worked real hard at learning how to do that. Today... I love myself!
I too made a list! OHHHH! The negatives outweighed the positives! I took that list of negatives and wrote down EXACTLY how I behaved or acted or reacted when those negative things happened. (my list about myself was uglier than his list of negatives) huge eye opener for me.
SO! I threw away his negative list. Asked HP for forgiveness and started working on me. Cause from what I saw on that paper about myself, I wasn't so nice anymore.
OH! And another thing! I'm a goal oriented person. However, the future is TOO BIG of a thing for me right now. I have to stay focused only on today and keeping today simple.
It helps when making big or little decisions what do I like what don't I like how do I behave and so on .. it helps a LOT. I also know I don't have to take it all on at once and that too is a big big blessing. It helps me be gentle with myself as I try and make some serious big big changes right now.
LOL .. that being said .. there are a LOT of things happening over the next month and maybe before the end of the year my divorce will FINALLY be finalized!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for the replies. Yes, I do need to make my list, look at my behaviors, for sure. I am having a little bit of a pity party tonight, but you guys have helped me to rethink and regroup. I took my goofy dog for a walk in the park and feel so much better, she always makes me smile. Hugs.
