The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It Truly Saddens me at times the Powerless I Feel over Life! Not Just Mine but those I Love... Thank God for My Program, and the TRUE People that Support me in my Journey! It Seems know matter how much I learn about the Disease, it still doesn't change the Sickness!
There are Times I Feel Life comes at me with a Double Bladed Sword, and i Become so Fearful of which end will strike first. I try to Hang in the Middle with HP, and allow the Cards to fall as they may, however at times it Just Breaks my Heart! Realizing over & over that i have NO Control over others, and their Choices, and Decissions, or Lack there of... Reminds me on a constant level, I AM POWERLESS!
I think Growing up in an Alcoholic Home has without a doubt Scar'd me, It has Placed a Brand on me, that no matter how hard I Seem to Work at Making it Better, there is always the String that reminds me "I am who I am" and even if I Get up everyday and Make the NEXT best Choice, or the NEXT right Decissions, its is only for myself i can make them!
I use to believe in my Heart that if I Love Someone Unconditionally, I can help bring forward their GOOD... Their LIGHT! And i have Learned Time & time again, all it does is give me that "Glimmer" of Light, but again... They are Who they are!
What is the Constant desire to change others? Why do I Continue to Wish More for others but Less for myself! I Can honestly say that in MY Life, My Marriage, My Home! I AM CONTENT! It is when i enter into the world around me, the Family & Friends of My very Own Sickness I Find My Self Realizing just how POWERLESS I am! I Find myself Yearning to Want More for them! Even when they themselves do not! And of course I don't mean Material things, for i am NOT a Material Person! I Could Sell off everything I Own, and as Long as I have my Son & Husband & Pups, Life is Still OK!
My Mom had raised me to know that if you want something bad enough, you will do or sell what is necessary to have it, and for me, I Work hard everyday, and I have a Few Toys, but if they were gone tomorrow, I would just be Grateful for the experience of having them! Because I know what its like to do without... And Yet I Survived! All of it! thus Far!
I Feel at times all i Do is PRAY... And tho I Have always been a Pray'r... I think at times the Prayers I Send up for others that I Love, may not be in the right Context...Like Maybe that again is Me attemping to control, or Want for them what they do not want for themselves! Like Its Waisted! I Continue to pray that they FIND their Very Own HP, and that they Embrace Life, and that they LIVE Instead of Exist in a Meaningless life! But right there... What if what I Precieve as Meaningless they see as Survival! Life can Be So Tricky at times, and sometimes just Overriding my "Stinking thinking" is all I can take in one day! But I am so Grateful I have a Program that Reminds ME daily, That I Am Worth, Every struggle, Every Happy day, and even if I Can't Control Others, I Can do My Best to hand it over to HP, and allow their HP to do for them, what they can not do for themselves...
Been a long Week & Its Only Wens! I Just Pray the rest of it, has a little more "Ease, Balance & Grace!" for that is my Constant Wish for all of you as well... One Day at A Time... I Can't, HP Can... I Need to Let Him...
I hear you. I often feel as I walked the streets of NYC ,and see all the homeless and lost people, my powerlessness . For years that brought me to sadness and anger that there was so much suffering in the world and I could not fix it!!!.
Since program and my "spiritual awakening ", I do still see the pain, know I am powerless but not helpless. . I can pray (as see you do), I can contribute to the homeless out reach centers, and food pantries, and hold positive thoughts for all .
I now know and accept that this world is a difficult place and each must face his own struggles. I have been in painful struggles myself during the coarse of my lifetime-- HP was there at my most painful hours, not removing the situation but giving me the courage, serenity and wisdom to endure. I am now on a safer shore but do understand that no mater what I will be OK, I am not guaranteed a rose garden but I can walk with HP thru life on life' terms. Everyone's path is different and no one" rides for free."
I really do not understand why some suffer so but I do trust that HP is out there guiding each, He will do for others , as He did for me and bring them through the pain and suffering to a safer place.
You have a big heart filled with love and generosity . Sharing that with others is quite a gift. I found that I can now have empathy, compassion , understanding and not have to be angry. or bitter about life.
I will receive your prayers with gratitude and I ditto Betty's post. We can make ourselves a big enough container to hold the pain and joy simultaneously..there is no light without the dark and no dark without the light. I pray gently "thy will be done".
Love this share. Thank you. No matter how much I learn about this disease, it doesnt stop the sickness. Needed to hear that right now. Keep praying, and keep sharing. Hugs.
First I want to tell you how awesome I think you are. I love reading your shares and learning from you. I think you've really expressed what's in many of our hearts. When we find recovery and when the dust settles and working a program brings us reasonable contentment we just wish our family and friends could know serenity. Powerlessness can still feel a bit painful for me even after all these years because the closer the relationship the more I long for an end to that person's suffering. I've decided it's ok to just pray my clumbsy prayers to hp. I think my hp knows the love in my heart is choosing my words and desires for others I care about. Hp can sift through and take (he/she) likes and leave the rest of my imperfect human prayer. I think intent is all that matters. Just like you, by choice, I've simplified my life materially. It works for me. I've been through some tremendous struggles and experienced some incredible joys on this life's journey. Honestly... there are a few lessons I would've preferred to not had but ultimately I'm at peace with who I am today. I'm trying to remember that others have their path and lessons from their hp which they'll learn in their hp's time not mine. I can continue to love them and pray my imperfect prayers for them and myself (since I'm not cured yet) odaat. Thanks for sharing ((((jozie)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
