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My name is slogan_jim and I am a gratful member of al-anon family groups.
The alcoholic that qualifies me for al-anon is my father. I just spoke with him on the phone. Over the last little while he has been frequenting a local watering hole and is a regular. He has even become friends with the owner. They hang out, go on vacations together, my dad works the odd shift at this establishment doing some supervisory work, or something.
I phoned him tonight to see what was up. I asked what was new and he said that he's now considering buying into the bar. 'yeah, me and (owner) were talking and I want to do something different, it's my money and i'm getting older.'
I didn't know how to respond. I didn't get mad but I asked him what experience he has running a business, running a restaurant no-less and that it's one thing to sit down with the guys and chat, and another to own a restaurant. I just got the usual 'Don't worry, hey, i'm not stupid, your father's not stupid, i'm not going into this blind, I will ask to see all the books and everything and I don't know if I'd be able to raise the money so this is all very preliminary, I wouldn't sabotage any inheritance or anything, so don't worry about that.'
I am somewhat nervous about this. I feel like I would effectively be watching him pi$$ away any chance of an inheritance me and my sister would get. Now he'd be owning a bar and what happens if that flops? Wtf is he going to do?
I am reminded about taking life 'one day at a time' and 'let go and let god.'
Oddly enough, I don't feel overly upset. Because I feel I am seeing the alcoholic and my father battling with each other and my father is having some positive influence on the alcoholic.
My question to your post is: what could you do about it anyway? Obviously, to me anyway, an alcoholic buying a bar sounds like a terrible idea, but in his mind it's all worked out. It doesn't seem like there much of anything you could do - maybe calmly and rationally state your concerns, while also realizing that it's out of your hands?
I'm new here and to the program, so not sure if this is a useful reply. Sounds like a tough situation and wish you all the best in taking care of *you*.
LOL...Jim...I'm always happy when a member shares that their alcoholic is buying into recovery and had to check my reaction to yours buying into a bar...well why the hell not...I mean why couldn't that be an expectation right?...Brand new perspective...Brand new...For sure I haven't seen it all huh? ((((hugs)))) Askk him if there might be a "Near Beer" section for those who don't use the real stuff. Just some painless sarcasm? LOL
My father isn't an alcoholic but he is an untreated codependent who suffered a stroke and is now in assisted living. He chose to put a brother of mine in charge of his affairs - believing the brother will treat the rest of us fairly and kindly with dividing up what he saved for his multiple children at the time of his death. My brother will not do what my Dad believes based on things he's said to me about some of my siblings and the way he treats my Dad when it comes to even giving my Dad any of his own money. What I had to realize was that no matter what my brother does or doesn't do (by the way he's a drinker) with our inheritance - I will be just fine. What I have that my Dad's and brother's choices can never alter is the love I feel for my Dad and the things he's showed me and taught me that have helped me weather many storms in my own life. These kinds of family circumstances - to me - are step 1 issues. Although I didn't agree with the choices my Dad made, I realized that we were his children and it was money and his right to do with his money what he believed was best - whether I saw it that way or not. Although my brother is on a power trip and to my way of thinking - not treating my Dad in the way I'd do it - their relationship is none of my business. Only my relationship to my Dad is my business. And given the reality that he won't be living much longer, I want to make our time together as pleasant and as loving as I can and leave the choices he's made and the trouble some of those choices have and will make for me and some of my siblings into my HPs hands. Otherwise, I'm filled with bitterness, anxiety, what ifs, and curse words I'd rather not think - let alone speak. It - letting go of my Dad's and my brother's business - has been the only way I was able to find peace.
Your dad may well not be thinking straight. The thing about inheritances, though, I've found, is that none of us should count on them. I've known two people who based much of their lives on the fact that they were coming into big money. (Not that you have been basing your life on yours, just that these are some extreme cases.) Like a friend who never really learned a profession or got a full-time job because she was counting on the money. But in both cases the money wasn't there. In one case a distant relative came out of the woodwork and sued and the money got all used up in lawyer's fees. In the other case, it turned out the parents were living high on the hog and were in massive debt no one knew about. So there was no inheritance. Or some people give it all to a charity, some people give it all to some supposedly needy relative -- or to a genuinely needy relative -- some people make no will and the whole thing gets eaten up by lawyers, some people have all their money in stocks and the market crashes just when they die. And so the heirs get very little. I think trying to preserve our inheritances is one of those things that's just out of our control, and probably not even ours to try to control anyway. Some people gamble it all away at Vegas before they go, and though their heirs may be frustrated, people get to do what they want with their own money. Even to make a bad decision to invest it in bars. That's what I've come to see. My own father turned out to have a huge amount of money (which I never even knew about) that he had gotten from his own inheritance. He willed it to a family friend. Boy, my life would be so much easier if he had willed it to me. But I have to swallow the truth: he chose not to. And that was his decision. It's painful. I try not to think about it.
I hope you can take good care of yourself, even as your dad makes painful and unwise decisions.
I know this has to be as serious as a broken leg to you, and every time I see the topic on the list, I laugh. Well, Bless His Heart! Of Course he is! What could be a happier or more natural thought for an alcoholic than, I think I will buy a bar, or buy into a bar!
And when you can detach yourself from that whole scene in his head, in your head, in the real world if it happens, you will have accomplished so much!
They never run out of challenges for us, do they?
Hugs, Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I am chuckling like so many others. Of course he wants to buy a bar. He's spent so many hours of his life there it seems like a natural thing to do.... as opposed to those of us who never go to a bar and don't give it a second thought, or even a first thought. First step.... you are powerless. You can state your opinion to him and it has as much weight as his opinion or your sister's opinion. But it is his money.
Remember the second and third steps too..... 2nd. - There is a HP that does have power... 3rd. - We will let our HP do it!
You received great replies to your post regarding your Dad's thoughts of buying a bar!
My aging parents are not addicts, but generate crazy-making insanity. I've always done my best to be a good and devoted daughter. Last week, my Mom insisted I visit specifically to look at some things to see if I wanted to have them. She said she needed to pair down and not have so many things. I made the 6 hour round trip. I would have loved to have any one of the things she showed me; but, she said she decided she wasn't ready to part with anything. OK.
The visit was pleasant with the exception of her comment about one time that I was an "angry little girl". (I grew up not being "allowed to be angry".) Anyway, I'm not sure how far back she was remembering, if it was even me that offended her so greatly, or what the perceived incident was that was so unforgivable. However, growing up and even now, it is advisable to be prepared with plenty of eggshells to walk on when around my Mom.
After I returned home, she said she threw out family photos (that I wanted) because she no longer had room for them. Yesterday, she gave something to a neighbor because I wasn't there at the time she wanted to give it???
I do not have expectations regarding inheritance and this allows me to visit them freely, without anger. My parent's actions are reflection of them and I do not want to be their hostage. Now that I know, I will not play the "looking" game with my Mom again- I will not feed her drama; if there is something that she wants me to have, she will find a way for me to have it. If not, she'll likely rationalize her actions....say she tried to give it to me, but I just wasn't there, or, that I'm just an angry little girl, etc. They are her things to do with as she wants, whether it makes sense to me or not. Thankfully, I am responsible to HP for my actions, and I am not responsible for hers. ODAT.
I am grateful and have a tremendous joy watching my daughter cherish some things that I have handed down to her.
Askk him if there might be a "Near Beer" section for those who don't use the real stuff. Just some painless sarcasm? LOL