The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sure some of you have experience with this. I want to support my alcholic in being active in AA. I do this by supporting her going to five meetings a week and trying to be supportive of meetings with AA friends, her sponsor, and sponsees, even when there isn't a lot of of time for 'us'. Lately she's been talking about someone whom attends an Al-Anon meeting she goes to, and has acknlowedged being attracted to this person after I asked. This person also seems interested in befriending her, at the very least, and has suggested getting together when he will be missing the meeting they regularly see each other at. I think it's great to make friends, but don't really want my girlfriend going on mini-dates. What do you guys think? How have people in the program resolved issues like this in their own relationships? I'm in a gay relatioship with a woman, who is attracted to both men and women, which makes the gender dynamics (and AA suggestions like no opposite sex sponsors) more complicated.
There are no rules (that I am aware of anyway) that prohibit dating within al-anon. I have seen people date and even get married through the program.
So, this sounds more like a relationship problem than a problem relating to their drinking.
I don't think this is really the right forum to address this, but in the spirit of helping you out, I know that as a young male, if I am asking a girl to meet outside of the meeting there is at least a small part of me that is curious about dating potential.
You mentioned your gf was an alcoholic, and that her pursuer is an al-anon member. Many al-anon members are attracted the alcoholics by confusing pity with love in an effort to help and save them.
I'm in a gay relatioship with a woman, who is attracted to both men and women, which makes the gender dynamics (and AA suggestions like no opposite sex sponsors) more complicated.
Hi shyrose
The above dynamic certainly does help to cloud the issue of program friends or not. You mention that this person she is interested in, attends alanon and that your partner also attends alanon. That might be the solutiion for you. Instead of supporting her efforts in AA, seraching out alanon meetings for yourself might be the best answer.
Living with the disease of alcoholism we all require a program of recovery of our own Alanon is listed in the whit pages try 6 different meetings before deciding is alanon is for you.
Thanks for the feedback hotrod and slogan_jim. For a bit more context, I do also attend al anon but not with the frequency my gf attends aa meetings (she's an alcoholic, sober for three years and only attends the one al anon meeting) does (for a variety of reasons). I've been learning a lot by reading this forum and plan to continue attending in-person meetings too.
I agree slogan_jim that it's a relationship issue first and foremost. There's just a few things that have emerged with it that relate to actions not matching to what's being said and a sort of um maybe, denial, that I'm picking up about it. Which seem like maybe alcoholic issues but might also just be people issues! I'm not sure.
Thanks again and I'm curious to hear any other perspectives out there too!
A saying that I like in AA is that if you keep showing up at the barber shop at some point you are going to get a haircut. Usually it is used in terms of drinking, in my mind this is a saying that fits situations like these as well, in your post I hear a couple of red flags (at least to me they are) first and foremost you have indicated that she is attracted to this person and has openly admitted so. Is that part of being rigerously honest or is that well just letting you know"in case" she gets that haircut? Again this is strictly my personal opinion here so take what you like and leave the rest or don't take anything and leave it all. :) Alanon has taught me to follow my "gut", "higher power", whomever or whatever the God of your understanding is .. this is where I need to sit down with my sponsor and reason things out, what is going to best for me in that situation, what do I want, what is my part, is this for the highest good concerning me. Do you have a sponsor you can work your steps with in this situation? I would encourage you to get a sponsor if you are active in the program and attending meetings. She's going to have a fling or not have a fling, it really comes down to what are you going to do (for yourself). You do have some options and again after discussing it with a sponsor and finding out what you want and is this going to be a relationship you can get it in.
Hugs and best of luck, keep coming back, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks again everybody. I'm pretty confused as now she is saying she didn't mean what she said about a number of things, was just saying things to agree with me, has decided she is not attracted to him after specifically arranging to see him, and doesn't really think its a problem but also does. It's all really confusing and feels like a ride I don't want to go on. This is where the restoration to sanity part comes in, yeah?
