Hi all. Pretty much new to be posting here and haven't done so for few weeks now, but I keep coming back almost every evening to read your stories for support and encouragment. So much resonates in me, I just cannot stop :)

(careful:  this will be a very long rant)

So, to the topic of this share. 5 days ago I finaly got my courage together and wrote email to my ex AB that i want my money back. Pls hence use of word: want. I tried Need 8 months ago but it got me absolutely nowhere. That was very last time we been in touch.

We have separated 8 months ago after 4 year-long 'on and off' relationship, of which last 1,5 years were on long distance ( he in UK, me in Holland after he left me and the country for the 2nd time). We finally ended our chaotic codependent 'ship' after a last leg of 4 intense weeks in UK when I sacrificed everything in my life to see if I can live in other country with him. I put my job on hold ( caused me tremendous negotiations with my boss who was not willing and I jeopardised my position as whole) , i left my place temporarily ( my sanity, my place of stilness, my place of peace, mi casa) , packed a backpack ( 4 weeks out of backpack!)  and decided to give it ALL I can for the very last try. This was a mutual idea when temporary sparkle of love lit between us again giving us hope. Needless to say it didn't work out. And when I look back, he didn't try at all. From day 1 he didnt even want me there. I felt rejected, unwanted, unloved and I felt he cannot wait to see me leave. He wouldnt even touch me in presence of other people. He wouldn't come home for days. He would avoid me- picking work shifts at work when I was home and vice versa. He started doing that in 2nd week of my visit. That month still leaves much painful taste in my mounth. And now I hear that since then he has a new relationship & he is moving in with her and bla bla bla bla, I can get so easily obsessed about him and facts about his life! A true love addict I am. Everything that you might know about dynamics of love addiction - i am guilty as charged ( and so is he - a perfect example of 'back-walking away addict' ;). I on the other hand am choosing quiet life for the moment, so no man have been allowed to 'stir the calm waters' of my serenity since the breakup.

I used to support him a lot, too much, for a long time. Gave him time, attention, money, place to stay, paid his bills, almost paid his debts, paid his expensive taste presents and quirks, paid his hobby, paid for gear that he claimed to need to make livelyhood with ( hahaha, yeah right like that will help him to finally get his lazy act together). I was blind to my actions until very late in relationship. But this last money, the money I asked about 5 days ago, I never gave him that. It was stored on his bank account as my wages while I lived there for 4 weeks ( I can take such good care of myself - i managed to score a great temorary job while there) and it got eaten by his debts before he could take it out.

Ouch. So you see. I do not intend to support him anymore. And I feel still very bitter about this. And him. And the pain of loss which is still big. I do attend face to face meetings. I am busy with my sponsor. In a different 12 step program, but the wonderful principles are the same. Yet I find very difficult to Let go and let God in this case.

Oh my, this is turning into a veeeery long share. When do i stop complaining about him and start sharing some recovery and facts?

My email to him was short. I said 'hope this isnt coming out of blue for you.... but it has been 8 months... i dont want this cord between us any longer... please pay me back. I even went to preach him :$ I said: 'I know that you never are in good financial situation and that debt is just another part of your reality that you bear but i truly hope that you can find a way to do this.' Oh god please forgive me, i couldn't help myself!! hahaha.

He replied about 12 hours later with a long email. very very long. i could have told you what it will say before he put it down in email, it was exactly the same guy like 8 months ago.

First he spend 5 minutes explaining why he has no money ( the story of 'Oh the world and city council are so bad and ugly and i am such unfortunate guy'. Nothing about him missing dealines for benefits cos he couldnt be bothered to get out of bed after binge weekend - I was there when it happened, and it made me sick to stomach).  Then he explains that he hopes to have some money in near future ( all those millions of plans  if this if that, empty words where no action will be taken) and then he proceeds to inform me about his girlfriend ( yak!).  And then he tells me that in 6 weeks he will be visiting Holland. Soooo no cash for debt but yes cash for flighs?! It got me thinking that he will never change.  Neither his priorities. Or way of thinking about others.

I haven't replied back. This short exchange left my mind spinning with thoughts about him day in day out. Old emotions floating back on top. old compulsive thoughts in my doorway. Old pains. sadness. lots of sadness actually. Thou my life is so much better now! with recovery and program and all that! I have new hobbies. I spend time with my friends! I got a pet!! I spend money and time on my dreams and adventures and dont waste them on people that don't care! but when it comes to this GUY, my biggest obsession of all times, i just can't get that mental focus from him back to me. For last few days I cannot get him out of my head and its not a pretty feeling cos usually i think he acts like an uncaring a**hole.

And this post should have been about ME. yet, as i read it, its all about HIM.  I am glad to see that. So clearly. As my sponsor said, this relationship was big one is a sense that it uncovered for me a very deep and probably very old childhood trauma. I read few days ago a post someone placed on facebook - something about other people giving us pain but later on we will find out that too was a gift. I am starting to discover this gift from this particular person. I try to see him not only as useless lazy alcoholic addict ( very handsome thou! so confusing! )  in total denial of his actions, blindly hurdling through life doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.... ( i can go on with this rant for 3 pages) but see that he too is a spiritual person in his own way, he has love inside, he cares in his own way, he means the best, he truly believes when he says something and it is the disease that he is so powerless about.. .

thanks for letting me share.