----------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am struggling with how to handle or deal with that awkward time frame that for us lasts several days or weeks after what I call an "incident". For the last 2 or 3 years these "incidents" happen every few weeks or months. The last one was this past Thursday night. They always come very unexpectedly, to a certain degree. My AH and I went to dinner and a concert with one of his business customers and his wife. Nice people. At dinner, my AH was very strange. He has been this way before and it usually is as a result of alcohol, of course, and a feeling of trying to impress people - so it seems anyway.. During dinner he was very loud. Yelled across the restaraunt at the musician playing the piano - caused an entire table of nice older couples to immediately turn and look our way. He told stories that were unapproriate to this couple such as discussing real estate we owed and what we owed on it. When the piano player played a familiar song he sang very very loud. There was someone there sitting across from us that I grew up with that I was trying to hide from because I was SO embarrassed that this was my husband. He drank 3 glasses of wine during dinner. At the concert, he immediately headed for the bar as soon as we got there. Ordered a glass of wine for each of us without even asking us if we wanted one. Once we sat down, I declined my glass so of course he drank his and mine too. He was - again - very loud at the concert. I work at a bank and the president of the bank and his wife were sitting 2 rows in front of us. I was extremely nervous because I was not sure if they could hear him and made the connection that he was my husband. Ugh! My AH then proceeded to spill one of the glasses of wine all down his shirt and in his seat. I caught it out of the corner of my eye and did not respond. (I was laughing inside!) Anyway, he repeatedly was talking stating he could not stand the music, complaining about sitting next to his business customer's wife and how she was giving him the creeps. (she was a VERY nice lady) So, somehow he convinced them to switch seats with each other and then pretty much demanded that I switch seats with him. Why??? Who knows. I remember though that he had spilled that wine, so I felt of the seat and said that I would not sit there because the seat was wet. He said sit there NOW and started counting down like I was a child in trouble, 5, 4, 3, 2,....!!! The business associate felt of the seat then and agreed that it was wet. So, then my AH insisted we leave immediately. We did. Fairly relieved at that point we headed outside when we were met by a man with a back pack that my husband assumed needed him. He stopped to talk to him. It was storming so I went to the car and waited. After a while I drove down to where he was to pick him up to go home. He yelled at me that "Jesus was working here and to drive around the block, NOW". So, I drove around the block. Finally he came to the car and insisted he drive and that we had to go back and pick that guy up and take him to get something to eat then buy him a hotel room. Of course I said no. He continued to insist. So, I got out of the car and said he was free to drive but that I would not ride with him. I got out and began calling to get someone to come pick me up. Could not find anyone so he finally allowed me to drive him. Then he said to go pick that guy up. I told him no, that I would drive home then he could come back to get him later if he wished. Drove home, nothing else was said, he left...then came home about an hour later. Of course, the next morning he acts like everything is fine. I told him he needed to let me know if he felt this was acceptable behavior and if it was something that I was going to need to learn to deal with or if he felt it was not. He said it was not. But, he continues to act like nothing is wrong. I just do not know how to react to all of this each time it happens. I know getting mad does not work but do I just act like nothing is wrong? Do I give him an ultimatum? __________________ milkwood Senior Member Status: Offline Posts: 155 Date: yesterday ReplyQuote More Edit PostDelete Post -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam Hi Peace, I get so frustrated when AH says 'that was a lovely night last night' and in fact it could have been if he had not behaved like such an idiot. How do I handle it? I remind myself that the embarrassing behaviour is his, not mine. If I am feeling a little embarrassed to be his wife, I perhaps add a notch to my 'time to leave' archive but it is based on how I feel, not on his behaviour. Sometimes I watch things playing out as if I'm at the movies - putting Steve Martin into the staring role helps me to see the funny side. I've just heard a fantastic quote on the radio that pretty much describes AH when he is in this mode 'Tyrants conduct monologues... droning on without contradiction is proof of their omnipotence.' Up the revolution! __________________ pinkchip ~*Service Worker*~ Status: Offline Posts: 2415 Date: 23h, 6m ago ReplyQuote More Edit PostDelete Post -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam I think "ultimatums" need to be about your boundaries and what you are going to do....not "if you drink..." trying to get him to not drink. More like "next time when you drink...I will" that is a better "ultimatum" (not really an ultimatum but a boundary). Better to have escape plans basically. Drive your own car and make it so you can disengage with him and leave when he acts like that. My best suggestion... Of course that does leave him more likely to drive drunk but that's not your fault and you don't want to be his drunk taxi either. __________________ sweeetr Senior Member Status: Offline Posts: 108 Date: 22h, 45m ago ReplyQuote More Edit PostDelete Post -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam I drive my car everywhere at times ridiculous to some and waste of gas (which I fill up out of his account) because his drinking has caused me to be stuck in situations too many times that I needed to leave or he drive and drank. Now he knows its gonna happen when he gets embarrassed he'll say I gotta run to the bathroom ill be right behind ya. I figured he downs a few beers probably too but he would've anyway and if anyone has a drink in my car I calmly pull over until it is drank or throw out before driving again - I'm not getting an open countainer ticket for anyone ! Resturant two miles down the road? Yep separate cars. Someone (sober) has to drive my son and me- its outta self respect ! __________________ ..."Your throwing fastballs at a catcher that has no mitt" peace2me Veteran Member Status: Offline Posts: 46 Date: 21h, 16m ago ReplyQuote More Edit PostDelete Post -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam Ok, so today....the third day after this "indicent", he is STILL basically acting like nothing happened. When I first brought it up yesterday I just basically asked - ok where are we with this? He said he was embarrassed. That's it. No apology. I told him he owed the business associate an apology. He said he agreed and he would apologize in person. I just don't get it. If it was me I would be on the phone the first thing the next morning apologizing and would also be apologizing to him. There is something missing in him. No humility whatsoever. Only denial, arrogance, it's all about him. What kind of marriage is it where you have to take 2 cars every time you go out? I understand that it needs to be this way and actually had already thought that is what I needed to do in the future, but really??? Its ridiculous. Sick sick sick. Beyond help. __________________ ilovedogs ~*Service Worker*~ Status: Offline Posts: 1052 Date: 15h, 31m ago ReplyQuote More Edit PostDelete Post -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam He may be beyond help or so you think, but you are not. My ah struggles with humility and his ego and it gets him into trouble. I bailed on a free trip to Costa Rica last October because I didn't want to be stuck watching his antics or listening to his lies. Turns out, he made a fool of himself and got in trouble with his boss and his company. Thank goodness I wasn't there to see it. I still have no idea what happened nor do I care to. I remind myself that I had to do what was right for me. Keep doing things for you, find your peace and serenity and set boundaries as you need. And, yes, with alcoholics it IS all about them. So, in contrast you can make your life all about YOU! Hugs to you today! __________________ Struggling to find me...... rehprof Senior Member Status: Offline Posts: 497 Date: 2h, 23m ago ReplyQuote More Edit PostDelete Post -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ban IPReport Spam Remember when David Hasselhoff's daughter videoed one of his "incidents" -- I have always wondered if we showed them how they look and behave that they would at least understand why we were so uncomfortable, embarrassed, humiliated etc. by their behavior. what always happened to me is that the A, the next day, would minimize and say all that stuff didn't happen. You know the drill -- I was "blowing things out of proportion" because "I ALWAYS exaggerate things" Just because he drinks and acts stupid, doesn't mean you have to be silent about it. You can tell people he has problems with alcohol, not in a gossipy way, just matter of fact. It IS a fact. Don't apologize for him, let HIM do that. Maybe to protect YOU, you could stop going out with him. Let him be stupid and drunk by himself. (ohhh, sorry, that sounds judgy, and not compassionate,... But I told you guys, I still struggle with detaching with LOVE. ) Over time, my exA and I didn't do much in the evenings together, because his behavior was so unpredictable. I didn't have guests over for the same reason -- because even if he wasn't drinking, he was irritable and abusive. So there IS a cost. Now that I'm divorced, I am still learning how to entertain and get comfortable inviting people into my home. You will have to weigh which is the bigger cost for you -- going out or staying in? Hang in there, Sending strength and lots of good juju, RP -- Edited by rehprof on Monday 22nd of April 2013 04:38:49 AM __________________ __________________ Betty THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS Talmud Page 1 of 1 sorted by Oldest FirstNewest First