The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going through a major time of chanege and awareness. I realize this is avery important period for me, and it doesn't come without some turmoil. It is fear and as some suggested here before, it is a kind of depresion.
I experienced depression before, but of a different nature. once before there was this low period because I was certain of the wrong direction of my life. Like as a complete set of decor. I changed that 10 years back and I grew through and with the strength of my choices. Then I came to realize the presence of the disease of alcoholism in my life, and i couldn't escape the ralization of the toxicity of some of my beliefs, expectations and relations... and I am changing that. Coming to Al Anon, learniing, studying about everything related, changing my attitudes and approaches. And it hurts sometimes deep deep inside, because adjustments are slow, and the whole set of behavior that i learned around and from A's in my life need to be revised, and it is damned hard at times, because it sometimes feels very lonely too.
Nowadays I am learning to give 'lonelisness' another meaning, rather than that of 'pain'. I can also see the opportunities in that time, and the peace.... and even if I see the danger of isolation in it, I try t odevelop this feeling more into growth, trusting that it can also be a positive buddy preparing me for what is yet to come. so there is a new hope on that side.
But recently some resentments , very strong resentments come to surface, and they don't make me a beautifu lperson, rather a defensive one. I used to use sarcasm lately a lot, and now I discover myself pointing out hard criticism out tehre about everybody and everything. I did it in the name of truth. Nothing has become more important than truth lately, as opposed to all the lies and facades out there. The child inside me woke up and is fighting now, for all the injustice it supposidely is suffering from. And yes, injustice was huge, life isn't always fair. But recently I bother myself with some crudity I confront people with. I remember being annyed a s a child and teenager, that it seemed I didn't have the talent to criticize, as my friends had, in school or in family.I thought it was because I was boring and quite naive, and didn't know enough about life to be able to criticize.
Now it's the opposite. I think I know it all, since I experienced that crap. and I criticize and confront people openely when tehy are happy, to confront them with things that they shouldn't be so happy about. little details, not even important. What is wrong with me??? what am I becoming? I am jealous of the happiness of others. I am defensive of something I don't even have. they have babies, dream jobs, loving relationships....and I shouldn't even compare, it's unhealthy, it's a mistake....but yes, my life is on HOLD, big hold. I find it difficult to share their happiness with because I think I have missed it. Although I created part of those situations myself. I know my part in it. It all seems like a fight, i feel a big tiredness....
I think this is a phase, I hope i will say less' iknow' in future, I wish to reallly be able to share the happiness of others again, and i want 'aloneness' to become my friend, but want my genuine hoenst smile back on my face, with myself and others. I hope this depression and defensiveness disappears very soon with all the tools I have at hand right now. It's a phase of growth, of change, and it's scary i admit.
Thanks for your wonderful and very honest share. Awareness and self knowledge can feel like both my enemies and friends. They've helped me seeing both my progress and failings. People in our program say the steps are in order for a reason. I believed that after working the 4th and 5th steps not until. I've had to remind myself on more than one occassion that this is a gentle program and to bring my willingness to my hp to change what I can and to let go and let hp guide me of what needs changing one day at a time. I realize this last sentence sounds like a bunch of Alanon program jargon but I've learned over time that this is the only thing that works for me. This is easier to type than it is to do at times. As far as feelings resentment and jealousy, I can only speak for myself and say that mine were rooted and still can be rooted in grieving. I've had some big changes going on and they all have to do with loss. Loss can put me back in the "if onlies." I was driving in the car yesterday and I blurted out in frustration, "Why couldn't I have come from a "normal" family!" It's ok to feel disappointed. My decisions which related to alcoholics and having been raised with one did affect my life's outcome. Some things I will never be able to reverse some I can. Humility and acceptance are where I need to keep myself. We have our moments for sure :) You are an amazing person, Tortuga. We all are. Our struggles have really given us Alanons such insight and such compassion when it comes to others - that's the up side of having dealt with this. I've found there are more things that I can attain in this new life than lost chances. I may not be able to get there exactly as I would have thought but I can get there. It doesn't mean I don't have my moments of frustration with life on life's terms. I'm human and as a human I have expectations and lack of patience with hp's timelines. I think as far as other people's happiness, I had to begin believing that they put their pants on one leg at a time too just like me so there was no reason I couldn't have the happiness I was seeking too. I've had to accept myself knowing that everyone out there is a mix of being flawed and beautiful so I'm on equal footing to get happiness and sorrow too. I'm glad you're here and that you keep coming back. Thanks for your share. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi there Tortuga, just know we all struggle, a friend of mine was a bit harsh with me this weekend and I asked her why she was being so tough on me, she said you are such a positive polly and it gets annoying. I told her before she met me I was the biggest victim, complainer and negative person on the planet. That it took me lots of very hard work to wake up and look at my list of things to be thankful for health, apartment, friends, etc. I now walk with the attitude of gratitude and try to see the bright side, not always. Sure it could be annoying, but my older friends enjoy the new me much more than the old me who called them about every little thing to whine about the same old stuff again and again and I did nothing to change myself through it for years. Now I even see the toughest things as learning lessons and a chance to improve my temper, attitude and character everytime someone comes at me conflict, I want to handle it with serenity and be able to work my program in the heat of it. I am very far from perfect, but have learned in the hardest of times great growth can be had. Keep taking the next best step and work your program. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think as far as other people's happiness, I had to begin believing that they put their pants on one leg at a time too just like me so there was no reason I couldn't have the happiness I was seeking too. I've had to accept myself knowing that everyone out there is a mix of being flawed and beautiful so I'm on equal footing to get happiness and sorrow too. I'm glad you're here and that you keep coming back. Thanks for your share. TT