The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a while but have benefitted so much from the ESH on these boards....so first, thank you! I have hit the crossroads w my AH--after 21 yrs of marriage I was able to say with love, compassion and conviction--"I love you but cannot live with the alcohol". We have run the gamut from my AH being seriously angry, calling me names, to begging for mercy, another chance. He says he wants to give sobriety a real chance, and knows where to go if he really needs help...like so many of you I have heard this so many times; and he has his reasons for not seeking out help to start with.
The bottom line is, I told him he should put a deposit on an apt for June 1...that I really needed a time line like that, because we can't keep going with the nebulous promises. I have told him that I accpet that the sober life (and recovery!) may not be for him, or for him right now...but I also have the right not to have to try and continue to live in it. I know he is planning on the 'whiteknuckling' thing--he thinks of AA as a last resort, so there is a part of me that's sad because I guess I know this won't work, but I'm also already moving ahead knowing that, if that makes any sense?
Anyway I know that a big part of the reason I have been able to make this difficult decision is because of the strength I have gotten here and at meetings--because of the changes within me. Thank you all for that...
Yanksfan, I don't blame you for being dubious. I can read insanity in the "AA is only for last resort" comment already....as though the marriage totally falling apart is not a problem enough. That is further evidence of denial of the scope of the problem and need for actual recovery.
Thank you for your share .. hugs, you will know what is right for you and when it is right. Sounds like you have made some serious boundaries and are ready to follow through on them.
Sending you lots of love and support, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for sharing your growth and journey, Yanksfan. My AH is currently doing the white knuckled sobriety and it drives me crazy because I can see that he's still an alcoholic even though he's removed the alcohol. He thinks he's doing just great, LOL. So, kudos to you for doing what's right for you, please keep us updated on your progress. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers, hugs, B!
Right out of the alanon textbook - mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean. Best of luck and my prayers and thoughts are with you. We have a similar stiuation here - deadline to move for our AD is June 22. Wishing you peace and serenity....
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read through them, knowing that you all have either 'been there' are going through it, or understand at some serious level that only those of us who live with alcoholism can get.
I so appreciate the words of encouragement and the warmth I get from all of you here.
good to have boundaries for us. we are the only ones who can bring serenity into our lives, our homes, families, etc... painful sometimes as all get out.. i remember when i first came into recovery and the idea of having defects removed in me was frightening enough .. although everything in me wanted serenity, i had no idea how to live without chaos .. i was addicted to the behaviors .. many of the things god has removed in my life have claw marks on them and well why wouldn't they. i see today, they were my survival .. literally. it's sad because today i have experienced that when hp takes something from me, what he replaces it with is more wisdom, courage, strength, truth, etc.. but since i didn't know that at the time i worked slow. i still do today without reminders . but because i hadn't experienced much serenity in my life prealanon, i couldn't even imagine the program working the way it has. It's like the alcholic who literally can't imagine finding a better way of life. the catch is they too could experience the healing and they can change but without knowing there Can be something better, chances are it will take them forever to walk through the doors and decide to seek true sobriety. I know the work goes into it .. even when they are sober, that does Not necessarily define recovery. It's a thinking disease as well, so there is much work to be put into truly working the steps. They only work if we are willing to do the work.. Easy but not at all Simple. Hoping you do alanon too. It's impossible to be in the presence of the disease without feeling some of the effects; it's toxically contagious and it harms us. good for you with meaning what you say.
Yanksfan-wow, what strength and courage. I wish you serenity and happiness. You may have sadness and other emotions first but you can do this. I'm where ilovedogs is~A is not drinking and thinks she's fine. Spouse doesn't understand why my trust isn't back and why I'm not doing a happy dance. I am making progress. I think I'm getting stronger and calmer, and accepting I am powerless over others. Keep us posted, OK? Lyne
