The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So ask was driving to work this morning I asked myself the same question I ask myself probably 100 times a day....why am I having such a conflict within myself about trying to get my AH out otour house? Today I think my answer came to me. I think I have been trained and taught for my whole life that family sticks together no matter what. I have tried for many years and I have so many people telling me that I have given him more than enough chances. I just keep hearing him telling me how unsupportive I am and how I am giving up on him. It makes me feel so conflicted and it is tearing me up. He has not completed a recovery program and blames me for not going with him. He doesn't go to aa meetings of anjoined and blames me because he says why should he try since I don't support him. He blames me for the kids not wanting to be around hm because they are scared of him after watching hm use and hallucinate and have seizures. My intelligent part knows I am right, but my emotional side feels as though I am not doing my part as his wife.
Hugs! One tool that helps me immensely is to step outside of my own situation and see another woman in my very same shoes, dealing with the very same thing. For whatever reason, when I use my imagination to see another woman dealing with someone who is too drunk to stand, who is shouting crazy things and bouncing checks left and right, lying, etc. I can see so clearly that there is NOTHING this other woman, wife, sister, daughter can do to stop her alcholic/addict because he is under the influence. When I imagine the addict, with the glazed eyes, the shaking, the not bathing, the drunk, the high, I can see he is "possessed" of sorts and nothing and noone, certainly not me will really get through to him. Without a program of recovery, things will not get better and it's easier for him to blame you than to come to terms with what he really needs to do. Sometimes I watch that show Intervention just to get jolted into a realitty check over how powerless we truly are. I know that my version of "supportive" wife, daughter, sister got very warped dealing with an alcoholic.
It's also very useful to imagine they have a disease of the mind (i.e. they are not thinking right) and to imagine sick on their foreheads as they talk or to imagine them yelling out from an insane asylum. Many times I need this imagery to effectively detach and remember that until they are in recovery they are sick, sick, sick in body, mind, and soul.
I find that when I do what my instincts are telling me is right, it frees me tremendously.
Nobody wants to give up on a marriage. It is legitimately emotionally gut wrenching but factually speaking, he is speaking horsecrap and emotionally abusive manipulative BS like a garden variety junkie alcoholic. Those are terrorist tactics and it saddens me that you are on the receiving end of it.
An A who is not going to meetings and using blame games without regard for his wife and children is clearly active. Having said that, you do not owe him any explainations as to why you go or do not go to Al anon meetings. You have free will, choices you can make. While no one can tell you what to do, each of us can share what our experiences are so you can make your own decisions.
I realized the active A uses a whole host of excuses, reasoning, blame games, shame games, the list goes on forever. While they are under the influence know that their addiction ( and that's what drinking and drugging to the point of passing out and having seizures is called) will continue to raise havic in your life and the lives of your children. While you have choices your children do not. We are responsible for their safety not only physically but emotionally.
You have the right to find a safe place to stay while he continues his addiction and self destruction. You have the right to protect yourself. You have both the right and the responsiblity to protect your children from emotional scars that change who they are as a person. You have the right to find face to face meetings to get the answers and support you're so desperately seeking.
Oddly as the spouse, or parent continues to play along with the games like "it must be my fault" "Maybe he'll get better soon" " Maybe I'm making more out of this then it really is" continue...they grow sicker ( the addict) and every single person they come in contact with are affected. Don't allow your own children to become another victim of growing up in a home with active addiction.
I've heard it said, "Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one".
Keep coming back here and please reach for face to face meetings in your area. There is a chair saved for you.
Thanks to AlAnon, I'm strengthening the weaknesses that kept/ keep me stuck in unhealthy situations and thought processes. This includes self- esteem and self confidence that was further eroded by my living with my A before AlAnon.
For me, fear can be a large part of what prevents me from enforcing a healthy boundary. I find when I am able to let go of outcomes, things may not go how I wished, but the circumstances improve.
When I feel confused by the whirlwind drama, I realize that I strayed from self- focus.
What I started to have to look at is look at the reality of my situation, no I don't want to be getting a divorce, I don't want to be married to someone who tells his version of the truth and can't remember the next hour what he has said. If nothing ever changed in my marriage with my STBAX, is this what I want to do for the rest of our marriage? Can I be happy anyway? Well I could have been happy to a point, however I know it would have taken a much stronger program than I have today, the insanity I'm watching with the STBAX makes me realize how not ok he really is and I have to be a present parent for the kids. In my situation .. that wasn't possible with him in the house. I have seen others do it and make the most of their situation .. they have been ok.
If there is no effort .. honestly .. the situation remains the same and for me I realized I had to make some kind of move because nothing changes then nothing changes .. I have to do something different.
There is only so many ways to turn right .. at some point .. I had to make that left turn. I had to allow my STBAX to be responsible for his choices .. and it's STILL not easy .. LOL!!
Hugs P :)
Keep coming back .. you will find what works and matters to you not to everyone else.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is where I am except it's my son. I try to remember that his choices and bad behaviour has meant he can't live with me. He now has a new set of choices that are all entirely up to him.
These conflicting thoughts are natural especially for us who have been damaged by alcoholism. I often get the voice that says 'what kind of mother kicks out her own son' but I've done my very best with what I have had. These internal voices are the reason you and I have lived with unacceptable behaviour for so long. It surely comes to an end.x
