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That is so hard, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Perhaps a smoke alarm above the bed and Fire extinguisher? Bounderies about smoking in house? or bedrooms? I don't know if your wife will respect a boundry like that when she is drinking. Perhaps seeing the bed and where she was laying will be enough to scare the daylights out of her. I bet it would scare most people. I would just tell her how scared you were to see her laying there with bed on fire and how lucky you happened to come in, if you weren't paying attention or wern't home she could have died. If the fire alarm was going off and she was passed out through it, tell her. You are concerned she didn't wake up and might not in the future. Tell her you were scare of smoke inhalation, it keeps you sleeping you don't generaly wake up. It sounds like you were plenty scared and full of adrenaline. Just tell her the truth and see what she says. Maybe she will discuss bounderies with you??? Maybe it will scare her enough that she thinks realisticly about smoking???
-- Edited by Rinn on Wednesday 17th of April 2013 08:03:18 PM
She went for a 'walk' today to exercise her leg and just happened to walk to the liquor store and was completely s@#@ faced drunk about 30 minutes after returning. I went back to check on her and I thank God that I did because she had passed out and there was smoke coming out from under the blanket. The mattress and a pillow were smoldering along pretty good. I put it out and will check on it again in a few minutes just to make sure it is out. I was fine when I realized she was drinking but now I am quite a bit jittery about the whole thing. Ever since the house fire that destroyed practically everything we own last year if the smoke detector goes off because someone burnt toast I freak out. I am attaching a picture of the damage if your interested.
Boy, does that pic bring back memories of my childhood!!! My A Father did this all the time. The carpet beside his bed had countless cig burns as did the mattress and bedding. One time after a visit, I discovered cig burns in my son's mattress - we had given him son's bedroom to sleep in while he was in town. And he was totally sober too - he did not drink in my home while he was visiting. The next time he came to town, my husband told him in no uncertain terms that he could not smoke in the bedroom but needed to go out on the balcony - well, he never came to visit after that. Really didn't bother me either because I was fine with not having my children's lives put in danger like mine was when I was a child.
We're taught in Al-anon to stay on our own side of the street when it comes to our qualifier's behavior but smoking in bed while drunk is a major issue...it's putting your very life in danger as well as anyone else that's in the household.
Hopefully, some other members will chime in on this situation with some ESH.
I couldn't live that way - worried about whether or not my house would be burned down again. I smelled something that had been burned when I came home one day from work and discovered burn holes in a mattress in my spare room where my grown AS was staying as he tried to get back on his feet. I asked him to move. Too scary to me to live with somebody who was so self-destructive and really didn't want to or wasn't ready to fully recover from his own issues. He went on to continually trash his life which the burnt mattress showed me he would choose to do, but I went back to living in a house that felt safe and secure to me. He's working on his life more now, but that has been after repeated and more horrible experiences for him. In asking him to move out, I chose to take care of myself and trust him and his HP to provide for him. Had I let him stay after discovering the burned mattress, there would have been two of us living the consequences of his choice to continue using.
If you haven't already done it...give her the pictures and let her smell the smoke damage. No its not a guarantee and it is an increase in anxiety and fear...sometimes that helps build the "Admitted we were powerless part". Thank God for you. ((((hugs))))
How do I deal with this situation?? Saying nothing is not an option. I can't ask her to move out... freaking out here a little. Anybody have any words of wisdom for me??
My brother in law and his son was staying with us while he was getting on his feet. One night I woke to smoke and went down the hall, open his door and the whole room was filled with smoke. I yelled for him to wake up, ran and got my husband, then got the kids out of bed and out the door. My husband and BIL tried to get the mattress out of the room when it exploded into flames. I went out back got the hose and put it through the bedroom window. After the fire was out we removed it to the backyard and it smoldered for another couple hours. That was it and I set a boundary with him that if he wanted to smoke he had to go outside. No exceptions. I was pissed and he knew it.
I have boundaries that might interfere with the A but it's for my and the A's safety. Like I have one boundary with my son....one that will not be broken if I know he is breaking and that is driving while drunk. I don't care what anyone says....I will call the cops on him if I know he's in that car. He knows it, doesn't like me for it but I don't care about him when it comes to drinking and driving. He WILL go to jail.
This is scary and I'm sorry but sometimes you have to get involved when it comes to safety. Rules have to be set and if broken there will be consequences and that's the way I see it.
I hope you can deal with this in a way that she will understand the dangers involved.
Take care
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
If you haven't already done it...give her the pictures and let her smell the smoke damage. No its not a guarantee and it is an increase in anxiety and fear...sometimes that helps build the "Admitted we were powerless part". Thank God for you. ((((hugs))))
She is still passed out now... when she wakes up I'm sure she will see what has happened... no need for pictures. What should I say to her...
This is indeed frightening. I too have awakened in a room full of smoke, my husband fast asleep and his side of the bed in flames. It was very hard to awaken him. We were able to pour water on it and get the mattress out the window
New rules no smoking in bed. Then it became the coach.
She woke up at came out to get a cigarette, I asked her if she was in control of her faculties enough to smoke. She told me to shut up and something to the effect that I should have let her die. I checked on her to make sure she did not set the bed on fire again. This really has me spooked.
It would have me spooked also...twas me today and the attitude was "shut up"...I'd go file for a TRO...temporary restraining order. She'll have to go find some where else to practice....If you've started learning how to do self love...that's only one reasonable solution. Not easy but sane. (((hugs)))
Hi dp, this sounds scary and the fact that she told you to shut up and leave her to die is intolerable behaviour. I have tolerated intolerable behaviour for years but it comes at such a high price. It takes your self esteem, self respect, it eats away at your courage and leaves you weak and confused. You find all kinds of justification to not act. Alanon has taught me about boundaries and how important they are especially with people who manipulate you and don't care how they treat you. Use your program, it's not easy but there is hope.
That response from her may be reason enough to contact the authorities and report her as a danger to herself and others.
Really, I don't see how setting a boundary of no smoking is going to work with an alcoholic who pretty much loses their mind and forgets all rules when inebriated.
As CanadianGuy said - you can set the boundary, but what are the consequences if its crossed and are you prepared to follow through.
She sounds like she's in a pretty dangerous place in her head right now.
Prayers to you. I know this is not an easy decision to make.
I agree. I would not normally post in a topic like this b/c I have not dealt with this issue but, I have dealt with that type of intolerable abuse and behavior and let me tell you! The whole time you think they have no idea what is going on when they are acting like that- and you are believing them b/c they seem to have balls the size of coconuts, they don't and they are not as cocky after you walk out. When you stop caring, they start caring. I finally had lost all self esteem from treatment like that, scared, concerned, and pleading and mistreated. I walked out. It drastically improved. We got back together, and are dealing with sobriety now, different problems, different day.
Please, this is the bottom, I was there with that type of behavior. Do something for yourself, and in turn when you do what's best for you its best for her. Read that. :) Lots of prayers your way.xx
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Setting fire to the mattress is not ok. I doubt you need to point it out to your wife, she knows it. The thing is what do you need? If I were in your situation I would need to see some sort of change and commitment to make our home feel safe again.
For me it would be that there should be no smoking in the house - the place will smell much nicer as a result. No need to make a fuss. I would also need to have a very clear plan of what I will do if the rule gets broken - preferably a plan that gives me a reward but that also demonstrates a very firm 'no'. For example, is there a long weekend that you would like to take, something that you would enjoy? There will come a time when the rule is tested so it has to be a deliverable one, and preferably something that includes an enjoyable payoff for you. If you can keep it simple this is could be one of those opportunities when the writing on the wall speaks for itself.
We had a similar crazy situation in our home this week and although it has been tough, there is a lot of positive learning going on. Sending ((((hugs))))) and I agree with all the other posters, what is best for you is best for you both.
No need to make a fuss. I would also need to have a very clear plan of what I will do if the rule gets broken - preferably a plan that gives me a reward but that also demonstrates a very firm 'no'. For example, is there a long weekend that you would like to take, something that you would enjoy? There will come a time when the rule is tested so it has to be a deliverable one, and preferably something that includes an enjoyable payoff for you. If you can keep it simple this is could be one of those opportunities when the writing on the wall speaks for itself.