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I am the mother of a 30-year old alcoholic daughter. She has 2 children and managed almost 6 years of sobriety then started drinking again about a year ago. I only found out this past Sunday. Apparently she had gone far enough that she confided in several other people in the past week, but didn't tell me until I caught her drunk Sunday afternoon. Thank goodness we had the children with us at the time. She has been to 4 meetings in 4 days, and says she intends on fulfilling the "90 meetings in 90 days", finding a sponser, and devoting herself to recovery.
Her background: Prior to her 6 years of recovery she was a truly awful person even sober. Drunk, she was an angry, hateful, mean and vicious person. Two things happened that sent her into recovery - she got pregnant and her adored grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Enter the changed person. She was absolutely wonderful with both her grandfather and her child. It was amazing how she would go to the care center almost every day, even toting an infant along, and spend time with him. She was a huge help for me with her grandmother too, she was an amazing help to me and I don't think I would have made it through without her because the majority of the burden was on me. After he passed away, she was devestated but still amazing support for her grandmother. She met someone and became engaged. Unfortunately, it didn't work out but she had another child. Through all of this she has been in college and has almost completed her degree, worked part-time, and cared for the children. She told me she started drinking about a year ago and that it was only at night after the children were asleep in her home. She was not the angry hateful drunk she used to be so I was clueless. There were a couple of times I grew suspicious in the last month because it was apparently escalating.
I, of course, am angry that she has put my grandchildren in danger and while I expressed that anger on Sunday, I realized that I can't make her choices for her. She is aware that I will do everything in my power to take the children away if she doesn't get help and ever puts them in danger. I spent 3 nights with her for support, and will be available to watch the children when she has meetings that aren't when they are in school. I believe I am handling it as well as I can, but my problem is my sister. She and her husband have been involved in AA for years (he has 38 years of sobriety). I know that I can count on them for support but I don't feel my sister is helping the situation. She screams at my daughter in front of the children, is insisting we tell the older one (6 years) why his mom is going to "meetings", berates my daughter for not "telling and getting help" sooner, etc. I told her she had every right to vent her anger toward my daughter because of her worry for the children...I understand that. However, there is no way in hell my grandson needs to be told the "truth" about his mother's problem and his counselor agrees. If her drinking were to continue and escalate and he was aware of it then, yes, he would need reassurance and explanations but not at this point. He has never seen his mother drunk and, in fact, believes we are a family that doesn't drink...period (my husband has 14 years of sobriety). My sister is also trying to "bully" my daughter into working the program the way she thinks it should be worked. She wants my daugther going to the meetings she chooses, when she chooses so her husband can go with her. While I understand her concern and appreciate it, she has enough years of Al-Anon behind her to realize she isn't helping the situation.
My question is: Is she correct....is this the way family should behave and what Al-Anon believes? I feel that she is judging the way my daughter is handling this and the way I am handling it. No, I am not enabling my daughter. I have very clear limits and set consequences that my daughter is very aware that I will follow through on. However, that doesn't mean that I am going to walk away from her and my grandchilren in the name of "tough love".
If you are not attending Al-Anon meetings yourself it would be hard to understand what the program suggest we do. She has Al-Anon time and yet the program doesn't offer guarantees of serenity. We only get what we work and work for and "Sanity" is one of the presents we work for as mentioned in the 2nd of our 12 steps.
We scream for the alcoholic to stop their abusive, threatening and crazy behavior and I've learned that I should not hold prejudices only against an alcoholic. If your Al-Anon sister is causing unrest and trouble in your home and is not being fair, honest and just...ask her to leave your home. Al-Anoners have the same dis-ease as the alcoholic without the chemical. We get crazier because we are not under the influence of alcohol and still we are under the influence of self centeredness and righteousness. Set boundaries with her as you would an alcoholic and stay with the boundaries. Don't judge her program just go to meetings yourself and work it for yourself.
Thank you! I attended Al-Anon meetings during my daughter's last round, but haven't been to one this time yet. I am trying to get to one by the end of this week. You are right about the boundaries. I am trying to use the principles I learned through Al-Anon in the past to guide my behavior with my daughter and feel I am doing the best that I can. After my first burst of anger with her I calmly, but firmly, told her the consequences I would follow through on if she continues to drink and puts my grandchildren in danger. I spent 3 nights with her, not to keep her from drinking because I know I don't control that, but to give her some companionship and let her talk. She appreciated it and used that time to set up a network of friends in the program she can reach out to. I want to get to a meeting because it is hard to detach and keep my mouth shut like I know I have to do.
I know the suggestion is to stay on our side of the street with our A's.....but if my sister ( Al-anon or not ) was not on her side........she would get a ear full from me.
Glad your here and keep coming back (((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am all about serenity and angry people giving unsolicited advice doesn't sound helpful or calming to me. I would set some boundaries and be as supportive with your AD as you can be with dettachment. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am so glad I found this board! I am in a different place with my AD this time around. I do feel more detached than the first round and am focused on the children rather than her. I also have more faith in her that she can get and stay sober and I pray I am right.
when I reacted to my As behavior with screaming and yelling...and wanting to control him...it was all fueled by FEAR. Afraid he would break up the family, afraid for the kids, afraid of ....you name it...and the intensity of my fear would switch quickly to screaming intensity.
Is it possible that your sis is fearful? maybe she needs an alanon meeting? I would pick a time, and share that her approach isn't consistent with recovery...that you are all afraid...and you can be supportive, but only your daughter can choose recovery for herself.
Wonderful advice "rehprof"! I will try and find one this weekend that she can attend with me. I do know that a lot of it stems from fear, and a lot of it is just her basic personality. Sadly, her behavior has alienated most of her family and I don't want this to lead to a break in our relationship because other than her husband I am all she has left. Thank you!
