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This is my first post EVER on any of these forums... I come here often to feel like I'm not the only one in the world living a crazy nightmare.
Background: I'm sober 4.5 years, hit my bottom and found recovery. In the rooms of AA, I met my fiance (of course, at 6 months of sobrity...oops, he had 1 yr). Anyway, we fell for eachother and were on fire for recovery...He was very inspirational spiritually and had a lot of knowledge of the 'program' (he has been in/out for years). Fast forward a few years and we are pregnant and I give birth to our beautiful daughter. She was born with some health problems with shook us up and in the same year his father passed away. This last summer he lost it. LOST it. He was staying up all night, lost 2 jobs and was wacko. Well, come to find out, he relapsed on cocaine... Wow was I ever nieve (I mostly drank alcohol and didn't do many drugs..)
So, this fall he finally starts to get treated for some mental health issues (ADHD and minor bipolar) and I think that magically he will get better. Well we are coming on 9 months and not much has changed, in fact, he relapsed again a few times this winter. Supposedly he has been clean since February. The thing is is he is dragging his feet getting back into AA and doing the deal. He finally started willingly going to a few meetings and has admitted that his ego has kept him away...
Anyway my ISSUES: trust; I don't believe a word he says... job; he doesn't have one and continues to look for the 'quick' money that doesn't sustain.... program; I want him to be IN recovery and working on his mental health issues not just popping the pills they have him take but doing the WORK.
He is such a bull*****..He talks and talks and talks but little action. I have threatened SO MANY TIMES, including tonight (packed a suitcase) that I am going to leave (even though I own the house) but I feel so torn. I forgot another HUGE piece of this puzzle... I'm 3.5 months pregnant...due in October. An oopsie that sure has poor timing. I am just so lost and confused and scared...I am not fearful for my safety (he does not verbally or physically harm me) and he is a wonderful father and helps a lot with our daughter when he is not out trying to carry out some pipe dream.
But the problem is that I'm miserable. I dont' want to support a grown man for the rest of my life, I don't want to live in his chaos for the rest of my life and I don't want to question him and nag him for the rest of my life. I also don't want to break up our family, especially now that I have another one on the way...but I also can't continue to live like this.
I am trying to 'think' like an alanon and not control the outcome and let go of his actions but they are so intertwined with my life.. (if he drives around too much, IM the one paying for gas, if he stays out too late, I'm up late too worrying where he really is and what he is really doing).
I feel alone because I don't want to talk to friends/family about this anymore..its the same old story and nothing has really changed. I also feel shameful and guilty and mad at myself for making a poor decision to get involved with someone too quickly and ignoring the red flags (mainly that he didn't have a job when I met him, although he was still at half-way house but still...no work history to speak of other than labor jobs...)
He is such a fun guy, silly and full of love but he lost his way these past few years and I feel like I don't really care either way if I get him back, I just want peace and to be alone... but its a lot harder than that when there is children involved....
Ugh, thank you for letting me ramble...I haven't been able to get to many alanon meetings let along AA meetings due to working, child and obsessiong over this relationship, lol. Any ESH would be helpful, anything to know that I am not alone and that somehow, I will get through this crazy period of my life....
'
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 16th of April 2013 09:06:03 PM
((CrazyMother))) I cannot give you a great ESH because I don't know how it feels like in such a situation when kids are involved. I just wanted to hug you, because what I can relate to is the feeling of being alone and lost.-...and the feeling that I'm tired of talking to others about the issue...that's why this board is so comforting. I can come as often and talk as open as I need to, and there is always comfort. So please, don't feel so much alone, it's not completely true. What I hear also is that you are seeing a lot of HIm, and not so much of YOU. yes they are surely sensitive and fun people many times, that's why we love them, but yes, his life is out of track, and you are taking that road down with him, without having to do so. will it be possible to focus on you, on the baby who is on its way, on your child? They need you...he will have to do his part of the job if he wants to become his life back. And don't be to harsh on yourself for making choices, ignoring the red flags...everybody does that from time to time, because we have hope and faith...it doesn't make us poor people. The mistake is not only yours, he lost his way, and doesn't see his opportunity for a good family life. some people have it all but are too blind to see and distort reality. Be strong, not for him, but for yourself and your children...life is only starting for them. and maybe it's a good time reminding yourself of your own boundaries in a relationship.and from there new behavior will be generated. sorry, for it's my simple thoughts, unfortunately (or fortunately!) have no children, but I know today that if one day I have some, they have a right to have my full attention... alone or with a partner. adults are old enough to take responsibilities for themselves, no matter how far into emotional maturity...they can seek help, professional one. it's time they stand up for themselves, and it's not my role to enable them. that's my part. keep coming back here, I'm grateful for your honesty.
All I can say is you are not alone. My ex-A also had that pipe dream thing going on and a refusal to get a real job. He refused to grow up and that was at the crux of why he couldn't stay sober. Fear of adult responsibility. I guess he also had entitlement issues and thought one or all of these pipe dreams "should" pay off cuz after all, life had "crapped on" him so bad and he "deserved" to be rich right? I bought that for a while until it became abundantly clear that it was all an ongoing pattern of staying sick with alcoholism and he was living in "poor pitiful" me world eternally. I didn't want to live in that world.
He still hasn't done the work to recover and has chased pretty much everyone away now. Not my problem. Also, it wouldn't be you "breaking up the family" - it's him and his poor choices that are mostly the cause. Not to say you shouldn't own your side - it sounds like you are but blaming yourself for "breaking up the family" is not accurate or helpful since you were powerless over his actions that have caused him to be an unacceptable and incompatible partner.
Also, "a wonderful father" to a toddler and infant is one thing but when they get old enough to see daddy doesn't work, daddy goes out without explaination, daddy makes mommy cry, daddy does drugs and drinks...not so wonderful anymore. Not trying to scare you or make you feel worse, but a "wonderful father" would be one that has the potential and ability to teach the child how to act like a grown up and survive in the grown up world.
***Wanted to edit cuz this response sounds so negative. I let it go that way cuz it sounded like you were largely leaning to moving on without him - BUT he is the father of your children and will stay part of your life for that reason. Things could always turn around for him as they have for you and me right (me being sober also for 4.5 years...must have been something great about October of 2008 LOL)? As you know, there is always hope for someone elses recovery and his HP could be working miracles on him right now to be sober from now until the rest of his days. I dont' know and neither do you. You seem like you are reaching out and doing what is needed in a tough situation to make the best of what you have (which thank god is your own recovery and a wisdom to seek support and help appropriately).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 17th of April 2013 07:44:13 AM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 17th of April 2013 08:45:42 AM
Aloha CMother and welcome to the board...If you've been reading for a while you'll recognize that there are quite a few "doubles" (both programs) on this board and the ESH is really strong and supportive. I relate to your post from the "meet and greet" to now significant other. Not gonna judge your past or shoulda, woulda, coulda you cause now you're in hindsight for sure. You know alot about the other side of the fence so now let the Al-Anon Family Group fellowship hold you up for a while. You know the steps and the traditions and they are almost completely co-joined with a wee bit of alteration. In Al-Anon we "self" focus...When we say we are powerless; we mean over the alcoholic specifically...yeppers we are powerless over other people, places and things too yet like yourself what drives us to our bottom and then to the doors of Al-Anon is the failed attempt to fix a practicing drunk or addict especially if they refuse to be fixed in any of the many and varied ways they refuse to be fixed...this is our insanity. You're gonna hear a ton of "elder" ESH on this board. Mine is simply get to as many face to face groups "as you can" for now and get phone numbers and literature and an Al-Anon sponsor. Do you have an AA sponsor and is that sponsor on board with you about working a "double program"? My elder sponsor was all for it telling me to find and use whatever would help me to gain and maintain my serentiy. You have 4.5 years sober time..."walking time"...now let us help you with this walk. Al-Anon kept me alcohol free for 9 years before I entered into AA. It and the fellowshi saved my mind, body, spirit and emotions. It will also work for you when you work it. I am in support...Please do keep coming back here. We do have online meetings twice a day also.
I know a few dual members and I am a member of more than one fellowship myself, Welcome.
My partner is in AA has been sober about 9 months this time. Here is my ESH.
I am responsiblr for ME , MY recover!!
I am my childrens Mother I try to be a good one, up to their dad if he is a good dad.
I pay for my petrol he pays for his. we are indivuals, I love him but I live my life.
Couple of months ago he was not going to AA, I was working the steps hard. Of course my recxovery was progressing my life was manageable. He was dry but not mentally sober. I found myself beginn to obsess about his recover, project about the future. Thanks to al anon and coda this slip in my recover was short lived because I was working on my recovery, meetings, phone calls, reading using as many tools as possible. All I know is it works if I work it my recovery. Anyhow I prayed and handed him and his recovery over really let go and got refocused on me.
Wow and guess what happening his HP got him back to AA he is not doing the steps yet but that is his business. when I get out of the way miricales happen.
