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I've been trying to venture into talking to the opposite sex .. lol .. it's been an adventure and a bit of a bumpy ride. I've discovered I have sooo much more work to do on myself as I struggle through the ends and outs of what is "normal" probably a better word is what is "healthy". My divorce is not final yet, however I decided that because it's not my hang up's hanging up the divorce that I deserve to explore some different sides of myself. I dislike the idea that two wrongs make a right kind of mentality .. the STBAX has gone around and told people our divorce is final .. LOL .. noooo .. it's not. At the same time there is nothing I can do as he's not willing to see reason when it comes his responsibilities to his first family. Sooo .. letting it ride is the way for me to go. I've got some serious boundaries in place that I am comfortable with and rigerous honesty is a big one. I got no clue how to talk to men .. LOL .. that has been the funniest dang thing .. do I text, do I not, do I call, do I not, do I sound needy, .. ok .. typing all this out .. I sound neurotic .. LOL! It's ok .. I have ways to work through all this and not worry. Thank you God box!!
I honestly don't have a clue .. I don't know how to reach out in friendship to a man. Something that I've been struck by and it has knocked me over is learning to accept basic kindness. I don't have a clue and in discovering that in accepting basic kindness .. I need to know how to give it as well .. and .. well .. hard to give something you aren't even sure what it looks like. I'm not a mean person .. I think I'm kind .. however it's more than just that .. how to be kind without expecting something in return. I mean an emotional payoff. PLUS .. what is just kindness and what is actual attraction. Sometimes I think we live in a world where basic kindness is misinterpretted as someone is "attracted to" vs "just being nice". I hate the game playing that goes with getting to know someone .. on some level we are all damaged, .. the idea that someone says I will call and they do is mind blowing. Hearing nice things about me, (I realized holy cow I don't know how to give or take a compliment, usually I take a compliment and I down play it kind of self deprevation joking if that's the right word). Giving a compliment is something I have to think about and I've been making a point of telling someone something I like about them. It is something that takes effort to remember to do. How sad is that?
What is healthy kindness even .. I mean all this stuff is going through my binge thinking mind .. lol? This weekend was a reality check on a lot of levels .. I have stopped thinking for the STBAX or at least really been working on doing so. His relationship wtih the kids is his business as long as he's not harming them in some way. He had some reality checks starting Thursday and they went through Sunday. Nothing mean, vindictive, or anything like that .. however .. he got a few unpleasant shocks. He was a jerk pretending to be nice this weekend .. and basically he mowed the lawn and left a "gift" in the mailbox .. his empty coffee cup. His truck broke down and I did give him a ride to get it fixed and literally he walked in to the place and left me standing outside. It hit me that this is NOT how I want to be treated, especially in light of the past week. I really didn't mind giving him a ride .. I did mind how he treated me after that .. unfortunately I'm still learning how to properly express that and know .. it will probably not change, I can choose a different response and that's all I really care about. There are people, .. men .. who really are nice and I've had the pleasure getting to know someone who is certainly nicer than what I've been exposed to over the past 17 years. There is no predicting the future .. I will be forever grateful that I have had this experience and I'm truly enjoying it.
Some stuff I did for myself this weekend, .. a girlfriend had a birthday and there was a large group of all ages who went dancing and listened to a live band. What a BLAST!! Yes, I even had a couple of drinks and didn't feel guilty about it. I think we danced for 3 hours and still got home way before midnight. It was an amazing feeling!! The other thing was calling another girlfriend, and really regardless of what her answer was I already knew I was going to the movies and WOW .. did we have a GREAT time! The new Dustin Hoffman (director debut for him) movie The Quartet (sp?) .. wonderful, I love the English actors/actresses in the movie and what an incredible story, beautiful settings and no one got blown up and the movie wasn't animated .. LOL!
Sunday wasn't even really a downer as much as it was a reality check, finding the coffee cup in the mailbox (at least I found it before the poor mail carrier did!) getting a couple of really sweet innocent texts yesterday and I thought to myself .. WOW .. this is what it means when someone is just kind, considerate and compassionate about another human being (I call it the 3 c's (I know there is a k .. lol) of how to treat another person). It has given me new insight to treating others, how I deserve to be treated and honestly it has rocked me to my core of what I really want. I do not want this other insanity. I never really did .. it's all I have really known, so it was just easier to accept.
It's been a rough couple of months, all of a sudden everything has just evened out for me. I am in a really good place and the slide I had wasn't as long and it wasn't as deep. I'm just going to take things as it comes .. usually I make plans and God laughs .. LOL. I'm ok with just letting God take the lead.
Have a very blessed day, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Oh boy!!! I could probably write this one if I was single (or about to be). Big, huge hugs to you girlfriend. You are doing great, and I'm so glad that things are better for you right now.
Pushka, I love your shares. You have a lovely way of putting things. I think I get where you are. It sounds like you are ready to move on and take the next step with someone else. You deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy person. For me I'm not sure I would recognise it yet. I'm still a little scared. Hopefully I will catch you up though. Your recovery sounds so good, out there enjoying life. Brilliant.x
I think sometimes it is good to 'roll with the crowd'. Alanon does this for me, to some extent. Tho' I am married I still have social needs- and possibly missed out on a lot of the fun and intrigue of teenage years.
This is something I DO NOT really bring into Alanon. But the friendship and the confidants- yes... I always refer to Alanon as 'laughter and tears'. Both are healing. And both work mainly when we share them with others...
it give me a certain poise, and confidence, which I can take out into that tough old world out there...
When I was separated and then divorced from the alcoholic addict and the addict before her and mostly to myself I discovered how much I needed to work on and heal myself. I didn't have anyone else to blame for the problems and bad times I had with sickies in my life. I accepted that I had to take care of myself and to help myself get straight first before anything else. I discovered that I "needed" a program of recovery to live with and without it I would do myself in quickly...and I did everytime I defaulted to "my" program rather than "the" program I became a mess all over again. I remember being born and raised within the disease...it became normal, usual mind, body, spirit and emotions and a habit before all other habits. I wasn't born with a list of alcoholics and addicts under my pillow. I was born with all of the markers for the disease and the examples I would follow. I chose the alcoholics and the alcoholic addicts without a "should I really"? fore thought. Today I don't drink even one considering how powerful the chemical is and the reality of what it has done to my life and the lives of millions of others. My earliest sponsor told me I was going to have to separate myself from all things alcohol...and I have...and now I feel more reasonably safe and serene. Thanks to my HP and the fellowships of Al-Anon and AA I am more distant from any relapse on my part. I always take the program with me. ((((hugs))))
I'm still working on getting me where I want to be before I can consider letting anyone else in; my problem, well one of them, is I change into who someone else wants me to be and that doesn't work well because eventually the real me wants back out (and starts biting to get free?). I read one opinion that says to give yourself 5 years between major relationships to get right with what went wrong and be sure what you are looking for next time, exoricise the ghosts of relationships past. I'm ok with that except - uh, I'll be eligible for Senior Discounts by the time my five years are up! I am still in the stage of being very grateful for the stress free, chaos free existence I have now. Sole possession of the remote and NO ONE STEALS MY BLANKETS!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Pushka, I love this post, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I love the idea of dancing for three hours solid, I can remember when I last did that (years ago) and it was great.
OHHHHH LMH!! You are speaking my language my friend :) I have been observing myself it's a weird out of body experience and somethings I like how I relate to men and some things like that whole becoming someone I'm not, fitting into their idea or MY perception of what I think they want, .. no likey!! I'm going to be honest .. I like not listening to someone else snore, I like sleeping in the middle of the bed and not fighting over the covers, I like not having to deal with someone else's idiosyncrocies (sp?), I like the only coffee rings I find on MY counter tops are MINE!! LOL!! When I listed out everything about the STBAX I actually liked vs what I didn't .. there is a whole lot more on the not liked part of that list than the like. When I listed out how I feel about myself and living alone I was suprised to find OMGosh .. my list of likes was WAY WAY WAY longer than my list of don't likes. I still have a LOT of work to do on me, .. whatever I choose to do, how I choose to do it .. it's on me .. I'm not allowing someone else to sabotage me in some way. When I say that I'm really saying I'm not allowing the STBAX to sabotage me in some way, it goes out to MY perception of what I think I should be .. DUH .. I just have to be ME!!
This weekend I wanted to go to a small conference out of town .. I asked the STBAX if he would watch the kids for a few hours that day .. I would leave probably around 10ish and be home around 7ish .. well he's working OT .. that's a plus for me and the kids so whatever. The way he shared the information I was like REALLY?! You are a JERK, A$$, fill in the blank it wasn't hey listen I'm working sorry won't work out. It was Pushka Dear, I am forced to work over this weekend because LAST weekend I had the kids. OMGosh .. LOL .. I just thought tame your little fingers girlfriend .. my response was STBAX Darling, I had NO idea there was overtime, glad it worked out that you didn't have to work it when you had the kids. I just figured I would at least give you first option of taking them. LOL .. actually he filled in some blanks that I was unaware of it's that whole smugness that he gets going on .. NEVER MIND .. LOL .. NOT ABOUT HIM!! If the conference was closer I would probably just go, unfortunately it's literally 2 hours away and I can't drive as my van won't make it. I would be a nervous wreck being that far from home if something happened, so it is what it is .. maybe something will workout, ... maybe not .. that's ok. I have other plans on Friday .. if I didn't mention I'm going to a birthday gala for a dear elderly couple I have recently met. It's going to be a BLAST!! Again could be dancing until the wee hours of the evening .. lol. I look forward to it as there will be a large mix of ages and backgrounds. The weekend is so not a loss and I'm going to go fishing with the kids at some point so Saturday will be a nice way to spend the afternoon with them. Idea of baiting a hook and unhooking fish is soooo NOT appealing .. LOL .. I'm hoping a more experienced fellow fisherman will bail me out if it gets complicated .. LOL!! I have no desire to kill any fish and eat them .. bleah .. out of this lake? Thank you NO!! Not to mention it seems mean to accidently do it as well.
Point is I feel pretty, a tad more confidence and yes I plan to do things that make me feel good about ME .. and I have a more solid grasp on what I do want .. WOO HOO!!! It def is NOT the STBAX. If I do date maybe I will maybe I won't .. it would be nice to have someone when I don't have the kids to catch dinner and a movie with .. it's just going to be what it is.
Thanks for letting me share, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have often said to myself that I doubt I will want to be in a relationship again if my marriage doesn't work out. I honestly have no desire for anyone else's crap anymore. Maybe that will change as I work on my recovery.
Here's a story for you: I was sitting at a little restaurant doing my journaling around 6 PM. A nice looking black gentleman was sitting in the booth near me and soon in walks his girlfriend. Very pretty woman, they both looked to be early 30s. As I overheard some of their conversation, it basically went like this:
Him: I didn't mean to kiss her at that party. It just sort of happened. Her: I get that you 'say' that but do you really expect me to believe it?
Anyway, as they go on, there was some uncomfortable laughing and then she started bawling. They were officially breaking up. UGH! I felt so bad for her and it was then that I realized that I seriously had no desire to ever go into that relationship pool again, LOL. Well, not unless I met a man who doesn't snore, doesn't leave his shoes laying all over the place for me to pick up, who cares about his health and takes care of himself to the best of his abilities, who is NOT CRAZY, and who will gently remind me to be patient with him as he has been patient with me. Asking for too much???? I think so, LOL!
OMG Pushka - you and I are in parallel universes right now! I am having the same difficulties...when is it someone of the opposite sex just "being nice" or someone who is actually interested? The same thing happened to me weekend before last. Thank goodness for BFF's and a therapist who can interpret it for me. My affection detector is just so bad right now I can't tell the difference between someone being a nice human being or someone who has an interest in me. And the weirdest part - my friends and therapist said "yes, he is putting out signals that he's interested" but I don't even know where to go with that right now! LOL I guess I'll just sit back and see what happens. But it is kind of fun to think about having someone trying to woo me :) And it's nice to think that someone likes the person that I am. Just another sign that I'm coming back into my own. As are you my dear sister Pushka (((hugs)))
Hi Pushka,